FOOTBALL

🥊 Toff love

As Jamie Carragher mops up the mess from his ill-advised gag on CBS last week, another Premier League bantz merchant is joining him in the doghouse.

With Everton mired in a relegation battle, Sean Dyche took his side on a warm weather training camp to Portugal, plotting a few tactical tweaks over a steaming bowl of Amêijoas à Bulhão Pato.

But according to local press, a team meal out descended into a “heated confrontation” between Dyche and his players after the manager aimed a “jocular slap” at the head of young defender Nathan Patterson.

Expecting the squad to collapse in guffaws at his mischief, Dyche was instead met by horrified silence before a furious Patterson and his teammates berated him in a scene that “caused a stir among fellow restaurant diners”.

As tensions rose, vice-captain James Tarkowski was forced to step in and pull Dyche away from the table to calm down.

FOOTBALL

🥩 Absent without Steve

Speaking of man management headaches, Gareth Southgate took a break from binging Jordan Henderson highlight reels to fend off questions about Ben White this week.

The Arsenal defender ruled himself out of the England squad, sending the rumour mill into overdrive - does White hate his country? Has he overdosed on knock off Nivea Bronze? Is he seeing Kate Middleton’s Brazilian butt lift surgeon?

It turns out Ben fell out with Southgate’s assistant Steve Holland after the coach made a catty jibe at the Qatar World Cup.

When Ben answered “I don’t know” to a question in a team meeting, Holland replied: “Of course you wouldn’t know - you’re too worried about other things rather than football”.

According to players in the meeting, the dig led to an “uncomfortable silence” and a few days later Ben asked to fly home.

Holland’s barb probably refers to White’s total disinterest in watching football. In 2021, he admitted: “I’d never just sit down and watch a game”.

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NAGS

🍺 Radio silence

There were a few nervous glances at Talksport Towers when breakfast host Alan Brazil was spotted swigging Guinness with Ray Parlour at Cheltenham festival.

The puce faced host has been sacked four times for missing his 6am show after drunken benders, and Cheltenham is his riskiest week of the year.

Unsurprisingly, Alan failed to show for his Friday slot, but when he eventually surfaced he insisted he wasn’t hungover, instead claiming he was too tired, had a bad knee, a sore chest and had caught a bug.

Whatever the reason, we’re sure it’s more forgivable than the cock up that got him sacked after the 2004 festival.

Brazil gave his hotel strict instructions to wake him at 3.30am so he could get a cab back to London and present his 6am show.

After a night of heavy boozing, Brazil woke up with a jolt at 4.15am, rushed downstairs and bellowed at the night porter: “You were meant to wake me at 3.30am”.

The porter replied: “But Mr Brazil, you didn’t get in until 3.50.”

FOOTBALL

⚔️ The knuckleduster? It was merely a gift for their impressive performance

As Turkey recoiled in horror at the shocking scenes of violence at Fenerbahce v Trabzonspor last weekend, the nation was quick to condemn the knife-wielding fans who attacked players at full time.

But as a bastion of fair and balanced journalism, we have a duty to report both sides of the story.

Hasan Çetinkaya, the first Trabzonspor fan to invade the field, has offered his own honest explanation of events:

And in case you’re doubting Hasan’s account, here’s a picture of him politely asking the Fenerbahce players to leave the field.

As defences go, it’s about as convincing as the Crystal Palace fan who was kung fu kicked by Eric Cantona.

At Cantona’s trial, he claimed all he’d said to provoke the Frenchman was: “It's an early bath for you, Mr Cantona!"

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FOOTBALL

💎 Rough diamond

From discovering your boss is an arsehole to deciphering the inane gags on the coffee mugs, starting a new job is a stressful experience at the best of times.

So spare a thought for Rushden and Diamonds keeper Lewis Patching, who had a hellish first day after signing on loan last Friday.

One day after joining the club, Lewis turned in a nightmare debut in front of 339 fans, letting in four calamitous goals in a 4-0 defeat.

And when a lippy supporter slagged him off in the club bar after the game, Lewis saw red and headbutted the bloke in the face.

When the club found out, they sacked him.

💉 Quick hits

🏝️ Kobbie Mainoo’s brother Jordan was on Love Island in 2019.

🍻 According to Neil Warnock, Alan Brazil drank 12 pints before midday when they presented Talksport’s 2015 Cheltenham coverage. Warnock tipped the bar staff £20 to pretend his glasses of tonic had gin in them.

🚨 Spanish police raided the home of disgraced FA chief Luis Rubiales as part of an anti-corruption investigation.

🏝️ The US Virgin Islands take on their hated rivals the British Virgin Islands tonight in a clash we’re calling No Taxico.

AND FINALLY

🤯 Sik bastard

Winter is behind us, and that can only mean one thing: tennis tantrums.

Here’s world number 70 Jakub Mensik nearly killing a ball boy by throwing his racquet during a defeat this week.

That's it for today. Thanks to Sammy.