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💬 Quote of the day

After five losses from five, Frank Lampard's requests to Todd Boehly are getting desperate.

FOOTBALL

🎤 Dide I mention I played in the Premier League?

From renting diamond encrusted supercars to raining fake $100 bills on unsuspecting strippers, rappers like to exaggerate their fame and fortune.

Take Dide, a masked hip hop artist who burst on to the scene last week claiming to be an anonymous Premier League star.

His new track (which is pretty good) sent the rumour mill into overdrive, as fans speculated about which of their heroes possessed such lyrical talent.

Big names were thrown around: Eddie Nketiah? Reiss Nelson? Wilfried Zaha?

In fact, thanks to a tattoo spotted on his wrist, the player is believed to be Cardiff winger Sheyi Ojo, which is slightly stretching the term "Premier League star".

Sheyi played just eight times in the top flight, most recently in 2016.

Among the lyrics in his track: "every single game like a final", which we can only assume is a reference to last night's crunch tie with Rotherham in Championship relegation dogfight.

RUGBY

🍷 Don't have a Cow

A lifelong Exeter man and a regular starter for England, Luke Cowan-Dickie was prepared to give that all up for a new, better-paid life in the sun with Montpellier.

The deal was agreed, the farewell card had been passed round the training ground, and all that remained was the formality of the 29-year-old flying to the south of France to sign the contract and complete his medical.

Unfortunately, Luke got a bit over-excited on arrival and decided to get absolutely slammed on 2016 Cour Saint Vincent in some Montpellier grog pit.

The details of what happened next are hazy, but according to local reports, Cowan-Dickie was picked up by the gendarmes who threw him in a "drunk tank" to sober up.

After waking up behind bars, the bleary-eyed hooker failed to show up for the medical with his new club.

Montpellier are said to be furious, and are considering pulling the deal entirely. Oops!

FOOTBALL

👨‍⚖️ Ferrell by name

Gone are the days when professional footballers would retire to the Costa Del Sol to open some godawful sports bar serving lukewarm lager and £5 fry-ups. These days it's all coaching badges, podcasts and "career pathways".

So it's refreshing to see former Newcastle academy star Andy Ferrell has pursued a more imaginative second act: becoming a violent hooligan.

After an eight year career in the lower leagues, Andy hung up his boots in 2016 and threw himself into a life of matchday thuggery, with a side of drug dealing.

Last season he was spotted sampling the delights of a Chelsea fan's skull during this scrap that was caught on camera.

Now Andy, who despite appearances is still only 39, has been banned from every football stadium in the country for three years.

On the plus side, he'll have plenty of time to do his badges...

ICE HOCKEY

⚔️ Puck the police

The Battle of the Badges - a match between New York's police and fire departments - was billed as a chance for fans to celebrate the city's heroes while raising funds for a local children's hospital.

But the #goodvibes were sliiightly hampered by the brave servicemen seizing their chance to beat seven shades of shit out of each other.

A bad-tempered match descended into carnage as two brawls broke out in the last 30 seconds.

The violence only ceased when horrified referees dragged a rabid fireman away from his stricken police colleague, who lay motionless on the ice.

Looking forward to their next crime scene reunion...

SNOOKER

🥴 Drunk as hell

For most athletes, the lead up to a major tournament is a time for quiet contemplation, 5am shuttle runs, and microscopic scrutiny of your blood glucose levels.

But snooker has always sat in a grey area between actual sports and pub games like darts, beer pong and Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

So it's no surprise Belgian star Luca Brecel prepared for his shock win over serial champion Ronnie O'Sullivan with a string of all-day benders, and only bothered to practice for 15 minutes.

“Before the tournament I was just out partying, staying up late to 6am and 7am," he explained.

“Even after I beat Mark Williams, I got home at 7am by car. That same day we went out to 5-6am. Drunk as hell."

It's not exactly smoking crack with the Rolling Stones though - asked what hell raising he got up to during these wild benders, Brecel replied: "Playing Fifa with my friends".

FOOTBALL

🥸 Conn artist

Following last week's story about Jesse Lingard giving the police a fake name, thanks to Derek for sharing the story of Garry O'Connor in the Upshot Gold WhatsApp group.

Edinburgh police pulled the former Birmingham striker over, they found a bag of white powder and a rolled up £20 note in his car.

PC Katherine Eager said at the player's trial: "He was quite shifty. I asked him his name. He said it was Johnstone.

"I asked him how to spell it. He replied 'J-O-S.'"

O'Connor then barged past the copper and legged it, but only made it 300 metres before they caught him.

The court found Gaz guilty, but then again, only God can judge him...

💉 Quick hits

Garry O'Connor once crashed his brand new car into the back of a hearse.

Spotted leaving a Mayfair members' club: German manager Hansi Flick, clutching a pair of Ugg boots.

The magazine editor who published the AI-generated "exclusive interview" with Michael Schumacher has been sacked.

With seven matches to go, Erling Haaland is a goal away from the record for a Premier League season. He's been involved in a goal every 58 minutes this season.

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Championship football
• Blackpool v Millwall (8pm, Sky Sports)

Formula 1
• Azerbaijan grand prix: qualifying (2pm, Sky Sports)

Snooker
• World Championship (from 10am, BBC)

Saturday
Premier League football
• Crystal Palace v West Ham (12.30pm, BT Sport)

Snooker
• World Championship (from 1pm, BBC)

Heineken cup semi-final
• Leinster v Toulouse (3pm, ITV)

Formula 1
• Azerbaijan grand prix sprint (2.30pm, Sky Sports)

Sunday
Premier League football
• Fulham v Man City (2pm, Sky Sports)
• Liverpool v Tottenham (4.30pm, Sky Sports)

Snooker
• World Championship final (3pm, BBC)

Heineken cup semi-final
• La Rochelle v Exeter (3pm, BT Sport)

Formula 1
• Azerbaijan grand prix (12pm, Sky Sports)

Scottish FA Cup
• Rangers v Celtic (1.30pm, Viaplay)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

👴 Ern ya keep

From a 1981 Panini sticker book collection.

That's it for this week. Thanks to Azeem, Derek, Paul, Colin and David.