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💬 Quote of the day

Cesc Fabregas delivers his verdict on Frank Lampard's Chelsea reign.

FOOTBALL

🎤 Eurovision Song Contest? Yeah, I'd win it

There were a few sniggers in the Elland Road press room when new Leeds boss Sam Allardyce marked his Premier League return by declaring: "There's nobody ahead of me in football terms. Not Pep, not Klopp, not Arteta."

It was a sliiiight stretch for a man whose most recent top flight job saw him relegated with West Brom, but Big Sam's lofty claims will be no surprise to true connoisseurs of the gaffer's famous self belief.

Back in 2010, fresh from leading Blackburn to a mid-table finish in the Premier League, Big Sam confidently announced that he "would be more suited to Internazionale or Real Madrid."

"It wouldn't be a problem to me to go and manage those clubs because I would win the double or the league every time", he explained.

Two years later he revealed what holding him back: "I won’t ever be going to a top-four club because I’m not called Allardici".

You have to admire Sam's confidence, but it's hard to imagine Carlo Ancelotti or Zinedine Zidane flogging dodgy transfer advice while guzzling down a pint of wine and prawn crackers in a Chinese restaurant.

FOOTBALL

🍰 Let them eat Ligue 1 titles

Parisians don't take kindly to the bourgeoisie flaunting their wealth, so when Leo Messi flounced off to Saudi Arabia for a few days of sun, sand and envelopes stuffed with cash, it wasn't long before the locals wheeled out the guillotine.

On Wednesday, PSG's terrifying ultras descended on the club's HQ in the kind of frenzied rage not seen on the streets of Paris since 1789 1848 1968 Monday afternoon.

The fans surrounded the Parc des Princes, chanting "Messi is a bitch" and demanding the Qatari owners sell the club, before heading to Neymar's gated mansion in the Parisian suburbs to serenade the Brazilian with a rousing rendition of "Neymar fuck off".

FOOTBALL

🧽 You really don't like it?

Erling Haaland isn't the only one racking up memorable stats this season.

Tottenham striker Richarlison has achieved the remarkable feat of getting booked three times for celebrating goals, despite the fact he's only scored once (the rest were disallowed).

You'd think by the third time he would've learned not to rip his shirt off and chicken dance until the VAR check was complete, but Richarlison has always been one for rash declarations of joy.

After Brazil's run to the World Cup quarter finals, the striker marked the occasion with an absolutely godawful tattoo of himself, Neymar and Ronaldo.

Neymar wasn't impressed, and has now sent the Spurs man £26,000 with orders to get his face removed.

FOOTBALL

🗳️ Cut me and I bleed Stockton

With local elections this week, it was only a matter of time before Rishi Sunak's "I ruddy love soccer" schtick had its annual outing.

In a bid to prop up the vote in the swing seat of Stockton-on-Tees, Sunak waxed lyrical about local side Stockton Town before their Northern Division cup final against hated rivals Long Eaton Town.

"I understand you've got some of the best and loudest fans around" chirped the Prime Minister with all the sincerity of a hungover Blue Peter presenter squinting at the autocue.

After reeling off some boilerplate facts about their "nail-biting" semi final win, Rishi ended with the rallying cry: "Good luck The Anchors!"

They lost.

POKER

 🃏 Who the hell are Hugh?

As cycling's blazers wrestle with the thorny issue of transgender athletes, they should cut themselves some slack.

No matter how many sweat-drenched Lycra shorts you swab for testosterone, the odd hustler will still slip through the net.

Like 70-year-old David Hughes, who didn't even bother to trim his Dumbledore beard and whack on some lippy before signing up for the 'Ladies No-limit Hold’em’ poker tournament in Florida.

David exploited a loophole in Florida's anti-discrimination laws, meaning nobody can be denied entry to a tournament, and ended up trumping the other 82 female participants to win a $5,555 prize.

The women even ganged up to put a $600 bounty on his head, but Hughes won that too.

FOOTBALL

 💨 Blew moon

As Erling Haaland smashed the Premier League record with his 35th league goal of the season, fans were left wondering what his secret is.

6am bleep tests? Daily creatine injections? Feasting on the blood of 27 virgins? It turns out the answer is simple.

According to Bayern Munich midfielder Leon Goretzka, Haaland "has no respect for the opponent or football" and "farted every time we approached him” in their recent Champions League tie.

The defenders didn't get near him...

💉 Quick hits

⚖️ Sam Allardyce is joining Leeds without his long-serving assistant Sammy Lee, who is on jury service. Allardyce slammed the decision not to release Sammy, saying "I find it in poor judgement."

📱 Richarlison once received 10,000 WhatsApp messages in five minutes after Neymar mistakenly showed his number during a live-streamed video game.

📉 Frank Lampard is the first English manager to lose 10 top flight games in a row since Arthur Cox with Derby in 1988.

🎙️ During Roma's 1-1 draw with Monza, Jose Mourinho hid a microphone inside his shirt to "protect himself" from the referee.

🐈 Trek-Segafredo cyclist Antonio Tiberi, who was suspended in February after shooting dead the pet cat of a San Marino MP, has now been fired by his team.

🎈 Leeds sacked Javi Garcia on his 53rd birthday. Unlike when Crystal Palace sacked Trevor Francis in 2003, Javi didn't reply "But it's my birthday".

AND FINALLY

👴 Niv fast, die young

After last week's story about Ernie McGarr (left), the Scottish goalkeeper who moonlights as a 19th century trawlerman lost at sea, we were inundated with other examples of footballers ageing badly.

On the right, meet Brazilian midfielder Nivaldo. Aged 29.

That's it for this week. Thanks to Eddie, James, Ian, Colin, Toby and JW.