GOLF

🐯 Ride the tiger

Sure, Tiger Woods winning the Masters next week would be an even greater comeback than his 2019 win.

But sport’s most inveterate shagger has already climbed a far bigger mountain: abstaining from sex for a whole week.

According to a “close friend” of Tiger: “He's working really hard in the gym. He's eating right. He's even eliminated sex. He does that now when he's preparing: no sex until the tournament is over.”

Tiger’s clearly been hanging out with former heavyweight champion David Haye, who gives up sex entirely in the lead up to a big fight:

Let's hope sex-starved Tigers aren't so vicious…

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FOOTBALL

🧪 You win some, you Luis some

Nine months ago, Spanish FA chief Luis Rubiales was boarding a business class flight to Sydney, quaffing champagne and nibbling chorizo with crooked FIFA blazers on the way to the Women’s World Cup.

But a year is a long time in football, and this week a frazzled Luis was desperately telling reporters: "I'm willing to let a doctor shoot me up with truth serum and you'll see I've never been with a prostitute.”

In case you’re wondering what the hell he’s on about, Luis is referring to his uncle (and former chief of staff)’s claim that he embezzled FA money to throw wild Berlusconi-style orgies at a villa near Granada.

And that’s just one of three legal battles he’s currently fighting.

Spanish prosecutors are calling for a 2.5 year jail sentence for Luis’ forced kiss on Jenni Hermoso after the World Cup final - a saga that led his mother Ángeles to barricade herself in their local church on hunger strike.

Hopefully Ángeles has spent the past year laying down some body fat because on Wednesday Luis was arrested again, this time accused of taking backhanders to move the Spanish Super Cup to Saudi Arabia.

Also mixed up in that investigation is former Barca star Gerard Pique, who’s personal accounts are being looked at by police.

They’re gonna need a lot of truth serum...

FOOTBALL

✈️ He’s lethal in the air

From college footballer Rowdy Beers to Heracles striker Jizz Hornkamp, we come across some pretty unusual names in the world of sport.

But it’s gonna take something special to dethrone our latest discovery: Peruvian midfielder Osama Vinladen.

Osama, who plays in the Peruvian top flight, was born 12 months after 9/11, and has a brother called Sadam Huseín. Apparently his dad planned to name their third sibling George Bush, but she was a girl.

FOOTBALL

😡 Marti grass

Barcelona spent two decades revelling in their status as Europe’s premier super club.

But with the Nou Camp a building site, and Messi and Puyol replaced by the likes of Ronald Araujo and Oriel Romeu, an angst is seeping into the Catalan consciousness.

And now, as the side battle Girona for second place, their beloved stars are picking fights with teenagers.

After a young fan heckled his passing car, defender Inigo Martinez stormed out to confront the boy, telling him: “This is the last time you call me a fool or insult me, it’s the last time you and your friend insult me.”

In fairness, the young scamp has a track record for causing mischief. He turned up to Gavi’s contract signing wearing a Real Madrid shirt.

FOOTBALL

🌿 We’re gonna have to do something about that grass

It’s the Old Firm derby this weekend, so we’re looking forward to hundreds of emails from irate Glaswegians when we forget to include it in our TV guide.

And nobody will be anticipating their 10 pints of Tennant's before midday more than the good people of Larkhall - a town so staunchly Rangers that they refuse to have any green on show.

A branch of Subway on the high street was forced to change their signage to black, and local authorities have resorted to caging the green on their traffic lights to stop residents smashing them.

And if you love simmering sectarian hatred and outright fitba madness, there’s plenty more of that in our podcast on the wild world of Scottish football.

From Rangers fans loosening the wheel nuts on a Celtic signing’s car, to drug-smuggling strikers and Duncan Ferguson fighting fisherman, listen now…

💉 Quick hits

🔔 An anonymous Premier League footballer was caught cheating on his wife when she saw him sneaking a girl back on their Ring doorbell.

🛏️ Drug-smuggling winger Quincy Promes is banged up at Dubai’s notorious Al Aweer prison, sharing a cell with up to 25 other Dutchmen.

😡 Jesse Lingard is already pissing off his FC Seoul manager, who raged: "If a player who only plays for a few minutes doesn't run as well as players who play for 90 minutes, I don't think he is a football player.”

🛷 Brentford defender Mathias Jorgensen has ‘Zanka’ on the back of his shirt after the character from Cool Runnings.

AND FINALLY

🎥 We regret to announce that connection to the tennis has been reestablished

When coverage goes down on the BBC, you can expect the stern face of Clive Myrie introducing repeats of 2009 Antiques Roadshow.

But over at seedy Serbian broadcaster SK HD, a loss of pictures for the Estoril Open gave them a chance to train their pervy cameramen on the local beaches.

That's it for today. Thanks to Steve.