Good morning. Today’s email is sponsored by Readly, an app giving you access to 7,000 newspapers and magazines, including the Guardian, The Week and FourFourTwo.

They're offering Upshot readers three months free access - just use this link.

FOOTBALL

💡 Me and you Matt, we’re the same

Barely a week has passed since Matt Le Tissier bravely exposed the shapeshifting lizards behind this year’s unusually wet weather.

But speaking up against power comes with its own hazards, and as Matt enters the inner circle of truth sayers, he’s attracting the odd eccentric.

Earlier this week, Le Tiss joined a livestream with fellow conspiracist Tom Sidney Bushnell, a self-proclaimed numerologist on a quest to “uncover the truth”.

Expecting to whistle through his theories about actors posing as covid patients and 9/11 being an inside job, even Matt was sceptical when Bushnell started banging on about Princess Diana’s imminent resurrection and Johan Cruyff hiding in witness protection.

“Basically, Johan Cruyff plus April 26 in numbers comes to 365. 365 comes to the witness protection programme,” Bushnell explained as a pained expression spread over Matt’s face.

“And how about this one?” he continued. “November 5th, return of Princess Diana, 88 mph. 282 is 88mph and that's all to do with November 5th.”

Makes you think…

FOOTBALL

🤠 Ittimad

From their freewheeling brainwave to let women drive, to graciously allowing thieves to keep their hands, Saudi Arabia has come a long way in becoming a modern state.

But every now and again some maverick slips into the old spirit.

After watching his side lose to Al-Hilal in the Saudi Cup final, one Al-Ittihad fan pulled out his cat o’ nine tails to give 50 lashings to midfielder Abderrazak Hamdallah.

🗞️ Your go-to app to read about sports – free for 3 months

Flick through FourFourTwo, Rugby World and Wisden, dive into some of the top UK titles such as T3, Radio Times, Men’s Health or find the latest news in your local and national newspapers with the likes of The Guardian, Liverpool Echo or Manchester Evening News.

Read more of what you love with Readly. In an exclusive offer, The Upshot readers can try Readly for free for three months – just hit the button below.

FOOTBALL

💉 Penned it like Beckham

Bosnian football fans don’t have much to get excited about, so when the country’s diabetic futsal team went on a remarkable winning streak they were the toast of the nation.

Affectionately dubbed Bosnia’s sweetest team, the insulin guzzlers won three consecutive diabetic European championships before their rivals began to grow suspicious.

According to the Croatian team, Bosnia’s players were unusually energetic and never seemed bothered about checking their blood sugar levels at mealtimes.

After digging into their medical records, organisers discovered that four of the side’s star players had only been diagnosed with diabetes a few weeks before national team selection.

It turned out a crooked team doctor had forged their records. According to one player, he was even given an insulin pen and told to act out injecting himself without taking off the cap.

FOOTBALL

🐯 Crouching Tigres, hidden Guzman

After injury forced him out of Tigres’ game against hated Mexican rivals Monterrey, keeper Nahuel Guzman channelled his inner 13-year-old, blinding his opposite number from the stands with a laser pen.

As distraction techniques go, it’s a sliiiight escalation from Guzman, who is normally more kids party entertainer than Israeli defence system: last year he pulled a roll of silly string out of his mouth during a penalty shootout.

And when he was sent off in the Liga MX final in December, he spent the rest of the game hiding under a tarpaulin.

FOOTBALL

🚕 Not going south of Nuremberg this time of night pal

Paolo di Canio is somewhere to the right of Hermann Goering on the political spectrum, so when he hailed a black cab in Knightsbridge, he probably assumed he was meeting a kindred spirit.

As the cabbie wound down his window, Paolo imagined they’d soon be comparing tattoos, lauding Mussolini’s disdain for bike lanes and discussing how they’d dispose of Greta Thunberg.

Unfortunately, there was one small snag in this great meeting of fascist minds: the three seasons Di Canio spent at West Ham.

The Italian revealed this week:

AND FINALLY

✊ Hanndyman

Not sure Gateshead quite thought through their graphic for goalscorer Luke Hannant…

That's it for today. Thanks to Ash.

Don’t forget, Readly are giving you two months free digital access to 7,000 newspapers and magazines like Viz, FourFourTwo and the Guardian.