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Completely splash proof: Joey Barton's anger management classes
Joey Barton's anger management class
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💬 Quote of the day
“Managing a club is like making love to a mermaid... you should always be aiming for a top half finish” - Ian Holloway
FOOTBALL
🎥 I’ll ask you the question again
When the ratings-chasers at Netflix unveiled their new Beckham documentary, we were braced for another mind-numbing PR puff piece.
The closest you’d get to unvarnished reality would be a few shots of Brooklyn struggling to operate a ketchup bottle.
But it turns out the new doc is a hard-hitting investigative thriller, with Becks turning full Jeremy Paxman as interrogator-in-chief.
In one scene, Victoria earnestly describes her “very working class” upbringing, when David pokes his head round the door to tell her: “Be honest.”
“I am being honest” she insists, before Becks puts the thumb screws on.
“What car did your dad drive you to school in?”, he asks repeatedly as Posh squirms like an MP caught trousering cash from crooked developers.
Eventually, she confesses: “my dad drove a Rolls Royce”.
FOOTBALL
🤬 Feeble-minded individuals
As famed psychopath Joey Barton wheeled his tactics board into the Bristol Rovers dressing room last season, there were a few hopeful whispers that the terrifying gaffer had finally gone soft.
Alongside tactical innovations like “Goalmouth action: none in ours, loads in theirs”, Joey had scrawled some cheerful slogans: “You’re unique”, “a one off” and “a true superstar”.
But it turns out the effects of anger management therapy don’t last forever, and we’re sorry to report Joey is well and truly off the wagon.
After a 2-0 loss to Peterborough, Barton let rip on injured midfielder Luke Thomas for the unspeakable crime of wandering out of position to make a tackle.
“One idiotic young boy – I can’t even call him a man – has compromised the team with his behavioural standards,” Barton raged.
“Unless we man up and absolutely eradicate these weak, feeble-minded individuals that are currently inside our unit, we won’t get promoted out of this division.”
Might want to keep those post-match cigars in a locked drawer…
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FOOTBALL
👰 It wasn’t like this in the movies
Jermaine Defoe always dreamed of the perfect wedding.
Confetti outside the chapel, tin cans jangling behind the classic MG, snogging a bridesmaid while his new wife is dancing with her niece.
So even when his whirlwind romance with beauty therapist Donna Tierney hit the rocks, Jermaine didn’t want to miss out on his big day.
The former Spurs man convinced Donna to act out a sham wedding, and flogged the pictures to OK! magazine.
When they eventually “divorced”, Jermaine was so desperate to relive the magic of that special day that he whisked off one of the wedding guests for a ill-fated fling.
That ended in heartbreak too for poor Jez, but after crying himself to sleep watching Love Actually for the 17th time, you’ll be glad to hear he’s finally found someone who shares his appreciation for romance: wedding planner Paige.
What could go wrong?
FOOTBALL
🍺 Sports Direct’s biggest mug
After our podcast on Mike Ashley’s booze-soaked decade as chairman of Newcastle, we received this letter from Yan…
During uni, I worked with a guy who did hospitality at St James’ Park in the Ashley era.
He told me that Ashley would frequently “power drink” in the directors box.
Mike and his friends had an activity they liked to do regularly – the beer river.
Mike would line up his boys in a couple of lines and they would be armed with some pints.
They would then slosh their pints onto the floor all in the same direction in quick succession - forming a flowing beer river.
Naked Mike would then run from one side of the room and slide/swim down the aforementioned river.
For more stories of Mike Ashley’s drunken mayhem at St James Park, check out the latest episode of our podcast.
From puking in fireplaces to stripping at staff parties, welcome to Big Mike's decade on the Toon…
TENNIS
🤦 Got the ump
Tough break for Marc Polmans, who snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in Shanghai.
After squandering match point, the Aussie angrily smashed the ball into the crowd.
Unfortunately, it flew straight into the face of the umpire, who promptly disqualified him.
💉 Quick hits
🍿 From Wrexham’s nasty surprise to Nonce FC, we dissect the funniest stories of the week in our latest YouTube video.
🏆 Until they beat Man United on Tuesday, Galatasaray hadn't won a single game on English soil in their 117 year history.
🧑⚖️ The MCC have expelled one member and suspended two others for abusing the Australian cricketers at Lord’s over their controversial stumping of Jonny Bairstow.
🏉 Ahead of their Pool B showdown, a heartening stat for Ireland fans: captain Jonny Sexton hasn’t lost to a Scottish team (club or country) for 12 years.
🏜️ Cracking turnout for the opening game of the Cricket World Cup in India…
📺 Sport on TV
Today
Rugby World Cup
• France v Italy (8pm, ITV)
Cricket World Cup
• Pakistan v Netherlands (9.30am, Sky Sports)
Saturday
Premier League football
• Luton v Tottenham (12.30pm, TNT Sports)
• Crystal Palace v Nottingham Forest (5.30pm Sky Sports)
Rugby World Cup
• Wales v Georgia (2pm, ITV)
• England v Samoa (4.45pm, ITV)
• Ireland v Scotland (8pm, ITV)
Cricket World Cup
• Bangladesh v Afghanistan (6am, Sky Sports)
• South Africa v Sri Lanka (9.30am, Sky Sports)
Sunday
Premier League football
• Brighton v Liverpool (2pm, Sky Sports)
• Arsenal v Man City (4.30pm, Sky Sports)
Formula 1
• Qatar grand prix (6pm, Sky Sports)
Rugby World Cup
• Japan v Argentina (12pm, ITV)
• Tonga v Romania (4.45pm, ITV3)
• Fiji v Portugal (8pm, ITV4)
Cricket World Cup
• India v Australia (9.30am, Sky Sports)
AND FINALLY
💦 And you’re telling me these are completely splash proof?
If you need this one explained, here’s the backstory.
That's it for today. Thanks to Willo and Frankie.
Still want more?
Watch our 10 minute YouTube show, dissecting the funniest stories and videos of the week.
Listen to Mike Ashley: Sport’s Direct’s biggest mug on The Upshot podcast.
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