FOOTBALL

🚗 Snatch of the day

Take a stroll down a quiet Leicestershire country lane, and the most excitement you can expect to encounter is a mangled fox corpse or a couple of pesky teenagers pilfering the honesty box outside a local farm shop.

But every once in a while on your rambles, you might stumble upon a randy England international planting the parsnip on the back seat of his Fiat Uno.

Speaking on a podcast, grandmothers’ favourite Gary Lineker recalled an impromptu “kiss and a cuddle” with his future wife Michelle while playing for Leicester.

“We were driving home from somewhere and we kind of went down a little country lane and parked up”, Gary explained. “As you do, ‘bam, bam, bam’, and it all steams up.”

“Suddenly we get a knock on the window and someone is going ‘Gary, we know you’re in there lad’. Talk about taking the wind out of your sails. I didn’t finish on that occasion!”

Probably didn’t help that he had “Gary Lineker LCFC” plastered on the side of the car…

FOOTBALL

📺 Strip tease

FOOTBALL

🤥 Ramsay’s fitba nightmares

Gordon Ramsay was roundly mocked this week after lamenting the time he was so skint he had to sell his Porsche to buy a house.

But it’s not the first time the potty-mouthed chef has been caught spouting drivel about his past.

In his early days of fame, Ramsay liked to brag that he’d played professionally for Rangers, even telling Desert Island Discs he’d notched up “three first team games” for the Scottish giants before a knee injury ended his career.

This turned out to be a complete lie, although Ramsey did have a 3 month trial for the club, popping up in the photo below alongside a young Ally McCoist…

As for Gordon’s claim he was a “cut-throat left back in the mould of Stuart Pearce”, this was laid to rest by former teammate Derek Ferguson, who said: “he couldn’t even kick his own arse”.

FOOTBALL

🎤 We’d like to dedicate this next track to William of Orange

Speaking of imposters in blue, you’ve probably seen the picture of South Korean pop group STAYC, who mistakenly wore Rangers shirts for a gig in Dallas, thinking it was the kit of local baseball side Texas Rangers.

But as Kim Jong Un slips on a Celtic jersey and hones his inter-ballistics on the JFK Memorial Plaza, there will be a few artists sweating at the Brit Awards.

Like rapper M.I.A., who posed in Andy Goram’s 1994/5 goalkeeper shirt for a photoshoot back in 2017.

RUGBY

👃 All Gaks

As New Zealand gear up for Saturday’s World Cup final, neutrals are praying they send South Africa coach Rassie Erasmus back to his wanking dungeon empty-handed.

If they do get their paws on the trophy, the All Blacks can take after-party inspiration from their national champions Hawke’s Bay.

After heading out for a celebratory bender last month, the jubilant stars dropped the famous Ranfurly Shield, cracking the wooden trophy in half.

Just to double down, they posted a photo of the broken gong covered in cocaine.

In a late bid for the Upshot’s annual “I slipped, fell and landed on the ketchup bottle arse-first” award for worst excuse, Hawke’s Bay later insisted the white powder was plaster from a wall.

Which might be a bit more believable if it wasn’t neatly racked into lines and accompanied by a rolled up bank note…

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎃 The scariest stories in sport

Stalkers in Serie A. Rugby tours descending into cannibalism. The ghost who called Jermaine Pennant “a dickhead”.

As Halloween draws near, we’ve braved the haunted crypts of Upshot Towers, digging up a selection of macabre, gruesome and terrifying tales.

Tune in, if you dare, for sport’s greatest horror stories…

AND FINALLY

🕳️ Pique me up

Gerard Pique goes to sign a fan’s shirt and ends up in middle earth.

That's it for today. Thanks to Derek, Ross, Roisin and Lee.

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🎙️ From Serie A stalkers to rugby tours ending in cannibalism, listen to the scariest stories in sport on The Upshot podcast.