FOOTBALL

🧂 And for an extra £20, I’ll pass you the salt

John Terry has always had an eye for a quick buck.

During his playing days, he was caught offering secret £10,000 tours of Chelsea’s training ground.

But since hanging up his boots JT has had to get creative.

In the midst of the crypto-boom, Terry flogged NFTs of cartoon apes which lost 99% of their value within five months.

And now the Chelsea legend has set off on a one-man tour, where lucky fans can pay £250 for a photo and autograph, or £500 to eat dinner with the man himself.

It seems a little steep, but it’s not the Chelsea legend’s most cynical scheme.

In 2021, Tezza hosted a raffle on his Instagram, with two winners getting their hands on signed captain’s armbands.

After thousands of entries flooded in, JT picked two winners completely at random…

He was no doubt kind enough to hand deliver the prizes, too.

FOOTBALL

🦚 Personality: model’s own

When the brains trust at drab middle-aged clothing brand Peacocks needed a new face for their menswear collection, they drew up a shortlist of dream candidates.

But with Richard Hammond and Adrian Chiles not answering their calls and George by ASDA going from strength to strength, they were desperate.

Then, one marketing guru had a eureka moment - what about that footballer who has only seen eight films ever and has never tasted tea or coffee?

The As seen on Michael Owen range was born.

A “universally flattering colour palette of neutrals and darks”, the range is as daring and imaginative as Owen himself.

The bomber jacket with decorative arm zips is tremendous, by the way.

FOOTBALL

🤑 Pay Czech

In the ruthless theatre of modern football, small clubs have to grab cash where they can.

So don’t be too hard on third tier Czech side FK Usti nad Labem, who sold a spot in their squad to the portly 22-year-old son of a local millionaire.

Law student Martin Podhajsky will replace the club’s captain up front for 10 minutes in an upcoming league game.

"He has never played football," president Kuban admitted.

"Only FIFA from what I know. However you don't just see 500k czech crowns rolling on the floor every day. If someone gives me this type of money, I'll let anyone play.”

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎙️ The gran, the myth, the legend

When Wayne Rooney burst on to the scene, there was just one nagging doubt.

Would he have the sordid private life to match his undeniable footballing genius?

It didn’t take him long to deliver.

From shagging grannies to spiking his teammates with Viagra, welcome to Wayne's World...

FOOTBALL

🧀 Go and fetch the Philadelphia

After Hansi Flick’s slick, modern football ended in disaster, Germany are on the lookout for a new manager ahead of Euro 2024.

And considering crotch-sniffing touchline offender Joachim Löw delivered them a World Cup, maybe another complete weirdo is their best bet.

Like disciplinarian Felix Magath, who threw his hat into the ring this week.

While in charge at Fulham, Magath overruled a doctor treating captain Brede Hangeland’s thigh strain.

“No no no, that’s not what we’re doing,” the gaffer thundered. “Go and get some cream cheese and massage it into the leg. Then add some alcohol. And most importantly, call your mother tonight.”

He was sacked following relegation and 11 games without a win.

FOOTBALL

🐶 I spent the OnlyFans cash on champagne, laughing gas and cockapoos. The rest I just squandered.

Ever since Inter Miami sextupled their Instagram following in 24 hours by signing Lionel Messi, clubs everywhere have been scrambling for their own revenue-boosting talisman.

And Leyton Orient found theirs in midfield bon viveur Madelene Wright.

Sure, she was sacked by Charlton after posting videos of herself honking on laughing gas, guzzling champagne while driving, and letting a cockapoo get behind the wheel of her Range Rover.

But she sure has a talent for racking up views.

With her playing career in tatters, Wright did what any self-respecting athlete would do: move to Dubai and start peddling X-rated content on OnlyFans.

After racking up £500,000 on the platform, Maddie caught the eye of the O’s, who spied a chance to fill the terraces of Brisbane Road with her army of online pervs.

But it looks like a good bit of business all round - she scored a screamer four minutes after coming on in our debut.

📺 Sport on TV

Today
One day cricket
• England v New Zealand (12.30pm, Sky Sports)

Rugby World Cup
• New Zealand v Namibia (8pm, ITV4)

Championship football
• Southampton v Leicester (8pm, Sky Sports)

Saturday
Premier League football
• Liverpool v Wolves (12.30pm, TNT Sports)
• Newcastle v Brentford (5.30pm, Sky Sports)

Rugby World Cup
• Samoa v Chile (2pm, ITV4)
• Wales v Portugal (4.45pm, ITV)
• Ireland v Tonga (8pm, ITV)

Formula 1
• Singapore Grand Prix: qualifying (2pm, Sky Sports)

Sunday
Premier League football
• Bournemouth v Chelsea (2pm, Sky Sports)
• Everton v Arsenal (4.30pm, Sky Sports)

Rugby World Cup
• South Africa v Romania (2pm, ITV)
• Australia v Fiji (4.45pm, ITV)
• England v Japan (8pm, ITV)

Formula 1
• Singapore Grand Prix (1pm, Sky Sports)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

🧙‍♂️ Shaman on you

Ahead of their country’s crunch qualifier against Brazil, Peruvian shamans placed a curse on Neymar by stabbing a voodoo doll of the striker with tiny swords.

They lost 1-0.

That's it for today. Thanks to Kevin, Sammy and Josh.

Still want more?

• Listen to Wayne Rooney: the gran, the myth, the legend on The Upshot podcast.

• Read about the mental World Cup training camp where coaches stripped the players naked, starved them and forced them to fight at gunpoint.