FOOTBALL

 🪙 In da club

50 Cent always had an eye for a good deal.

So after seeing Ryan Reynolds rake in the cash flogging AFC Wrexham foam fingers, and Tom Brady bag himself a few new followers with a stake in Birmingham, the American rapper wanted a slice of the pie.

But unfortunately Fiddy isn’t quite the bankrolling tycoon he once was.

After blowing a $450m fortune on dodgy investments, diamond-encrusted G-Wagons, and sex tape payouts, he filed for bankruptcy in 2015.

So with the leading lights of the Premier League slightly out of budget, he settled on a more affordable investment: Welsh U14 girls team AFC Rumney.

After meeting one of the girl’s dad while on tour, Fiddy jumped at the chance to sponsor the Cardiff And District Junior League side, and get his name on their shirts for the fiery local derby against hated rivals Llanrumney Athletic.

They’ll be in the WSL in no time.

ATHLETICS

🍺 Hou are ya?

When a mysterious dark-haired runner flashed across the finish line in record time at the Chicago Beer Mile, a disgruntled whisper went round the paddock.

It turned out the winner was none other than disgraced American athlete Shelby Houlihan, who is currently serving a four year ban after testing positive for the steroid nandrolene.

Unable to compete at official events, and bored of annihilating the local mums at her book club Couch to 5k, Houlihan signed up for the Beer Mile - an event where runners down beers while doing laps of a 400m track.

At the time of her ban, Houlihan claimed she’d ingested nandrolene after eating a pork burrito “from an authentic Mexican food truck that serves pig offal near my house”.

And the Beer Mile authorities might want to check out their menu - those 0.0% Coronas are awfully realistic these days…

FOOTBALL

🚑 Luis cannon

Luis Suarez always had a remarkable ability to make the slightest touch look like he’d been hit by a bulldozer, and it’s good to see he’s still got it…

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎙️ Sacre Bleu! French football’s strange and sordid decade

Masked hitmen. Sex tape blackmail. Organ harvesting allegations.

It’s been an incredibly weird, sexually charged, and occasionally glorious decade for French football.

We’re joined by ESPN’s Julien Laurens as we dive into Les Bleus' sinister sexual psychodrama on the latest episode of The Upshot podcast…

FOOTBALL

🍬 Trusted by the best

After pioneering a revolutionary new gummy bear, supplements brand Supreme CBD were on the hunt for the most respected minds in science to front their new ad campaign.

With David Icke unavailable, they were delighted to secure the services of a well-regarded south coast researcher by the name of Matt Le Tissier.

The Southampton legend took time out from warning of a “communist takeover” and Bin Laden masterminding the new 20mph speed limit to extol the benefits of their CBD gummies.

And he’s even roped in a few mates too - healthcare experts Paul Merson and Dean Windass are among the brand’s other ambassadors, although Dean is unlikely to be given free rein on the company’s social media channels.

Merson and Windass are joined by Jodie Marsh and Kerry Katona on the company’s website, next to the slogan: “Trusted by the best, loved by all.”

FOOTBALL

 💉 We’re gonna need some stronger stuff

Former Arsenal man Paul Merson has been particularly vocal in promoting the gummies, heralding their stress-busting qualities and “calming effect”.

Although he didn’t do their marketing team too many favours this week…

Appearing on a Sky Sports panel opposite former referee Mike Dean, Merson absolutely lost his marbles when Mike suggested former players “don’t know the laws of the game”.

“Come on, there is no law… You’re all scared” he screamed at the startled ref, before host Simon Thomas intervened, telling him to calm down and apologising to the sound department.

Guess he forgot to take his morning dose…

📺 Sport on TV

Today
International friendly
• England v Australia (7.45pm, Channel 4)

Cricket World Cup
• New Zealand v Bangladesh (9.30am, Sky Sports)

Saturday
Rugby World Cup, quarter final
• Wales v Argentina (4pm, ITV)
• Ireland v New Zealand (8pm, ITV)

Cricket World Cup
• India v Pakistan (9.30am, Sky Sports)

Premiership rugby
• Exeter v Saracens (1.30pm, TNT Sports)
• Crystal Palace v Nottingham Forest (5.30pm Sky Sports)

Sunday
Rugby World Cup, quarter final
• England v Fiji (12pm, ITV)
• France v South Africa (8pm, ITV)

Cricket World Cup
• England v Afghanistan (9.30am, Sky Sports)

Euro 2024 qualifier
• Wales v Croatia (7.45pm, Viaplay)

Womens Super League
• Arsenal v Aston Villa (2pm, BBC One)
• Liverpool v Everton (4.30pm, Sky Sports)

Premiership rugby
• Sale Sharks v Northampton (1.30pm, TNT Sports)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

🛬 One runway, you’ve only got one runway

That's it for today. Thanks to Sammy.

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