💬 Quote of the day

"If Kane wants to join Bayern, I'll drive his fucking car there myself. Anything to protect my goalscoring record." - Alan Shearer

FOOTBALL

🐉 And for that reason, I’m out

Ever since Gary Neville pioneered the ground-breaking concept of a mini-retirement, the leading lights of business have flocked to his door to discover the secrets of innovation.

So it was only a matter of time before Gary got the call from Dragon’s Den. The ex-United defender will join the show’s next series, dishing out nuggets of wisdom to fame-hungry entrepreneurs, alongside Deborah Meaden and snake oil salesman Steve Bartlett.

To celebrate his status as a dragon, Gary unveiled a sleek new website, emblazoned with David Brent-style motivational slogans such as “No excuses, no shortcuts, no regrets”, and “failure is a bruise, not a tattoo”.

Of particular interest to budding entrepreneurs is the section “Businessman”, where Gary explains “‘Relentless’ is my favourite word and sums up my approach to life, business, everything really”.

Looking forward to him reminding the contestants to “live, laugh, love”.

FOOTBALL

🍆 Doing Mother proud

Pleased to report another victory in The Upshot’s long-running campaign for a return to the Good Honest Streakers™ of the past: the one’s with beer bellies and shrivelled ballsacks, not fully clothed morons pushing crypto-funded porn sites.

At Motherwell’s pre-season friendly against Dutch side HSC ‘21, this bloke invaded the field wearing nothing but a balaclava, before running the length of the pitch to waggle his bellend at the adoring fans.

Among the streaker’s audience: Motherwell manager Stuart Kettlewell, who bears a haunting resemblance to Man Utd keeper David de Gea (if De Gea had been hitting the crack pipe and kipping in his car).

CRICKET

🎙️ It was just weird

As this Ashes series heats up, Sky Sports viewers have just one wish: for commentator Kevin Pietersen to shut his trap.

After recent departures in the commentary box, KP has slipped into the role of arsehole-in-chief, loudly ranting about every blip in England’s performance.

So while we’re getting picky about techniques, why not enjoy this deep dive into his utterly bizarre sexual demands…

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FOOTBALL

👰‍♀️ You’re Hav-ing a laugh

When Arsenal completed a deal for Kai Havertz on Wednesday, fans were wondering why the club chose to unveil their star signing in an overgrown bamboo shack, surrounded by verdant tropical vegetation.

Had they dragged him to a remote corner of the Borneo jungle for a bushtucker medical trial? Or perhaps it was another timely plug for Visit Rwanda?

It turns out Kai had actually slipped away from Chelsea teammate Kepa Arrizabalaga’s wedding reception in Marbella, dodging the chorizo canapés and flutes of Veuve Clicquot to pose in his new Gunners kit.

Bet that went down well with the groom…

OLYMPICS

💉 Lance is calling again, should I pick up?

It’s been the subject of pub chat for decades: why doesn’t the Olympic Committee stop spunking billions on its fruitless quest to catch doping athletes, and simply embrace a world of rampant substance abuse?

Rather than spending our summers being bored to tears by Zara Phillips trotting around the showjumping arena, we could enjoy a lawless drug-fuelled festival of pharmaceutical engineering, where mutant freaks, veins bulging, hare down the 100m track to smash the 7-second barrier.

Well, that halycon world moved one step closer this week as Australian entrepreneur Aron D’Souza announced plans for the first “Enhanced Games”, a competition he claims will run alongside the Paris Olympics in 2024.

The competition’s website champions “the medical and scientific process of elevating humanity to its full potential”, and includes a video of an athlete who claims to have beaten Usain Bolt’s 100m record.

Frankly, we’re all for the idea. Who wouldn’t want to see Lance Armstrong back for one last testosterone fuelled shot at glory, or Ricky Hatton off his nut on gear swinging punches at a thin air.

Maybe Gary Neville will invest.

FOOTBALL

🗝️ The Keys to my heart

You have to hand it to Richard Keys, he really commits to the villain role.

After a sexism scandal ended his Sky Sports career, Keysy upped sticks to the Middle East, where he’s played a sort of Lord Haw-Haw role fronting Qatar’s footie coverage and defending the Gulf state against his critics.

He also began “mentoring” a gaggle of younger women who nicknamed him their “Doha dad”.

Eventually his wife, who was suffering from cancer, caught him knobbing one of this girl gang: his daughter’s best friend Lucie, who is 36 years younger than him.

Keys always denied being a dirty dog and claimed Lucie was just a friend, but this week the pair tied the knot.

What a mentor!

💉 Quick hits

🏟️ Roy Hodgson is 127 days older than Real Madrid’s Bernabeu stadium.

🍺 You’ve seen the video of Ray Parlour necking a “Cobra bomb” (a pint of Cobra and a shot of Jaeger) for the Queen, and he’s back at it: this time with Peroni and limoncello.

📱After signing for Spurs, James Maddison deleted his old tweets slagging off the club and Gareth Bale.

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

F1
• Austrian Grand Prix, qualifying (4pm, Sky Sports)

Saturday
Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

F1
• Austrian Grand Prix, sprint (11am & 3.30pm, Sky Sports)

Tour de France
• Stage one (11am, ITV)

Sunday
Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

F1
• Austrian Grand Prix (2pm, Sky Sports)

Tour de France
• Stage two (11am, ITV)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

⛳ He doesn’t play golf… he destroys it

There’s a real life golfer called Happy Gilmore at American university Ball State.

That's it for today. Thanks to Duane for sending in stories.