Dorito-encrusted teenagers

Jens Lehmann sits the psychopath test

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Good morning. We’ve dissected the week’s funniest stories and clips in another 15 minute YouTube special.

This week: Jadon Sancho’s on the kids’ table, Pochettino’s scraping the barrel, and it’s cocaine charges and naked beatings for Shane Warne’s old rival.

💬 Quote of the day

"It's incomprehensible that such teams are allowed to play in European football." - Dutch pundit Dick Advocaat on Bosnian side Zrinjski, who were 3-0 down at half-time. They won 4-3.

FOOTBALL

🤯 Lehmann’s terms

Everyone was shocked when normal, well-adjusted goalkeeper Jens Lehmann attacked his neighbour’s garage with a chainsaw in the dead of the night.

But it turns out the former Arsenal Invincible has been causing a nuisance in his Bavarian lakeside community for some time.

According to local reports, the 53-year-old keeper has been responsible for a number of “unsavoury actions”, including repeatedly speeding under the parking barrier of a car park to avoid the €3 fee.

And when the Polizei came knocking to take away his licence, Lehmann told one officer she must have “a malfunction in her brain”.

Ahead of his trial over the chainsaw frenzy, Lehmann has now been court-ordered to take a “anti-social personality disorder” test.

Considering he resolved a minor neighbourly dispute with a chainsaw, we’re guessing that’ll come back positive…

FOOTBALL

🎮 Get some sleep bro

It’s been a tough week for one-time wonderkid Jadon Sancho, who has been banished from Manchester United’s first team by gaffer Erik ten Hag.

And just to really rub it in, Ten Hag has exiled him from the first team canteen too, forcing Sancho to eat turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti hoops with the club’s academy players.

Luckily, Sancho’s perfectly comfortable in the company of Dorito-encrusted teenagers.

Successive managers have complained about him turning up late for training because he’s been locking horns with Malaysian 12-year-olds on FIFA until the early hours of the morning.

And despite Sancho’s evident commitment to eSports, he’s still getting spanked and told to go to bed by the professionals…

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎙️ Tiger Woods: get in the hole!

Drug-fuelled car crashes. 121 mistresses. Shagging the next door neighbour's daughter.

No one does scandals like Tiger Woods.

But if you think you know the full story, think again. Buckle in for the sordid tale of a golfer gone wild…

FOOTBALL

☄️ Game of throw-ins

Rory Delap once revolutionised throw-ins simply by bringing along a towel and aiming for Robert Huth’s gigantic forehead.

Now Iranian star Nader Mohammadi is turning them into an art form.

And if you’re getting a sense of deja vu, it’s because his namesake Milad Mohammadi once tried the same thing.

Except it was during the World Cup, in the 93rd minute and with Iran 1-0 down and on the brink of elimination.

And it didn’t go quite so well…

CRICKET

 🥙 Tzatz all folks

If he hadn’t been born in the same era as Shane Warne, Aussie spinner Stuart MacGill could have taken 700 career test wickets and shagged Liz Hurley.

Instead, Stu had to settle for a career as Warnie’s second fiddle, and after retiring he plumped for a quiet life serving souvlaki in a suburban Greek restaurant.

Until one night, when everything went a bit Breaking Bad.

MacGill was kidnapped at gunpoint by three masked assailants, blindfolded and dumped in a car boot.

Arriving at a remote hut in the middle of nowhere, a terrified Stu was stripped naked, tied and beaten up, with the mysterious kidnappers threatening to slice his fingers off unless MacGill coughed up £75,000.

But after he was released by the captors, a police investigation revealed MacGill’s own brother-in-law was behind the plot.

Now detectives claim MacGill owed him drug money… after attempting to import £150,000 of cocaine into Sydney.

FOOTBALL

🦈 I’ve chucked some plasters and a tetanus jab in the party bags in case Luis bites anyone

It’s hard to recreate the buzz of scoring a winning goal at the Nou Camp in front of 90,000 rabid Barca fans.

So when the chance came for Luis Suarez at his son’s birthday party, and all he had to do was humiliate some 10-year-olds in the process, he couldn’t resist.

The 36-year-old subbed himself on to score this bicycle kick, even peeling away in celebration like it was a late winner at the Nou Camp.

🍺 Fun bus

These days rugby tours are sanitised affairs, dominated by endless fitness work and speeches about “pride in the jersey”.

But as late as 2000, they were still a chance for players to get smashed in exotic locations on union expenses.

Like England’s summer tour to South Africa, where a wild night out led two England stars to cross Nelson Mandela himself.

You can read the full story in Sunday’s edition Old Gold, our weekly email spilling classic tales of sporting scandal.

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💉 Quick hits

🩴 When Erik Ten Hag banished Cristiano Ronaldo from the first team last year, he wouldn’t even let him collect his flip flops from his locker. A youth team player had to fetch them.

🏆 Europe haven’t lost the Ryder Cup on home soil since 1993.

💸 Chelsea have spent £17.5 million per competitive goal since the start of Todd Boehly's reign.

🎲 Man United have now been drawn at home 12 times in a row in domestic cup competitions. The probability of that happening is 0.02%.

📈 In its second month, our podcast has grown to 60,000 monthly listens.

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Rugby World Cup
• New Zealand v Italy (8pm, ITV)

Championship football
• Sheffield Wednesday v Sunderland (8pm, Sky Sports)

Golf
• Ryder Cup (6am, Sky Sports)

Saturday
Premier League football
• Aston Villa v Brighton & Hove Albion (12.30pm, TNT Sports)
• Tottenham Hotspur v Liverpool (5.30pm Sky Sports)

Rugby World Cup
• Argentina v Chile (2pm, ITV)
• Fiji v Georgia (4.45pm, ITV)
• Scotland v Romania (8pm, ITV)

Golf
• Ryder Cup (6am, Sky Sports)

Cricket World Cup warm-up
• India v England (9.30am, Sky Sports)

Sunday
Premier League football
• Nottingham Forest v Brentford (2pm, Sky Sports)

Rugby World Cup
• Australia v Portugal (4.45pm, ITV)
• South Africa v Tonga (8pm, ITV)

Golf
• Ryder Cup (9am, Sky Sports)

AND FINALLY

😎 Flash Gordon

That's it for today. Thanks to Kyle.

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