💬 Quote of the day

"The one I like the most is ‘Come on Chelsea, come on Chelsea’. I love that one." - Chelsea midfielder Enzo Fernandez on his favourite chant.

FOOTBALL

🐕 And I would have got away with it if it wasn’t for you pesky influencers

When Neymar commanded his minions to arrange a five day “Neymarpalooza” New Years party in the middle of covid, he went to extreme lengths to keep the bash out of the papers.

After arriving at the party house on Brazil’s Costa Verde, guests were forced to sign NDAs and hand over their phones, which were kept in a locked room guarded by Neymar’s lackeys.

But there was just one small flaw in the Brazilian’s plan: his guestlist consisted of a bunch of fame hungry influencers and D-list celebs who’d flog their own kidneys for a 15 minute cameo on Celebrity Bargain Hunt.

And three years on from the jamboree, vapid Brazilian influencer Sophia Barclay has cashed in her chips, announcing on trash TV show 'Chupim’, that she had a foursome with Neymar at the party.

Sophia, who is transgender, also claimed Neymar shagged a male Brazilian surfer, the excellently named Pedro Scooby.

"Both of them had sex with each other”, Sophia explained. “Then, the girl and I got in the middle, and they kissed, everyone kissed. There were no limits."

Her story could of course be utter bollocks, but either way we can’t wait to see her on the next series of Celebrity Pest Removal.

FOOTBALL

🧙‍♂️ If you’re with us Ian, knock twice

Talking of brain-rotting daytime telly, former Blackpool boss Ian Holloway always looked like he should be presenting Channel 5’s Most Haunted rather than drilling Brett Ormerod on long throws.

And it turns out the eccentric gaffer is no stranger to paranormal activity.

On a podcast this week, Holloway recounted a ghostly encounter with his late father, who commandeered his car stereo from beyond the grave to play the Mariah Carey hit One Sweet Day.

“The song was on and [the line] ‘shining down on me from Heaven’ got louder and louder and louder until it was completely top notch” Ian recalled. “I swear to you, I saw the dial move on its own.”

An intriguing episode indeed, but it wasn’t Ian’s first brush with the supernatural.

After joining Grimsby in 2019, Holloway informed his new chairman he “had signed a manager whose wife is a white witch.”

According to Ian, his wife Kim “is a Pagan” who “believes in omens” and foresaw him getting the Grimsby job.

“When we were leaving the ground after an initial meeting with the Grimsby directors she told me to slow down and a black cat ran straight across in front of our car” he explained.

“She looked to the left and there was a five-pointed star in the window of the house the cat ran into. From that moment she was convinced I would get the job”.

Grimsby were relegated the following season, but she probably saw that coming…

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎧 Spin, sex and suspicious partners

Shane Warne wasn't like other sportsmen.

A sex-mad cricketing genius, he once summed up his life: "I smoked, I drank, and I bowled a bit of leg spin. I don't have any regrets."

From sexting scandals to lasagne sandwiches, listen in to the full story of Warnie’s World on the latest episode of The Upshot podcast.

Join our 40,000 listeners…

CRICKET

 🎤 Hugh do you think you are

When the brainboxes running English cricket cooked up their new match format ‘The Hundred’, the aim was simple: revitalise the sport, flog some TV deals, and “appeal to families, women and children”.

So they took the patronising logical next step: they shortened the games, cut down the rules, and gave the teams moronic names like ‘Northern Superchargers’ and ‘Southern Brave’.

But with ratings plummeting, the eggheads tried one last roll of the dice: they roped in Love Island simpleton Chris Hughes to present the post-match interviews.

Unfortunately that sliiightly backfired this week when Chris whipped out his 1970s phrasebook to tell precociously talented Australian batter Maitlan Brown “You’re a little Barbie yourself aren’t you, with your blue eyes.”

As Brown laughed awkwardly, Hughes winked “She’s blushing now.”

In another interview he mixed up Oval Invincibles batsman Jason Roy with Joe Root.

Still, no such thing as bad press…

ATHLETICS

🏁 Niece try

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a random punter lined up against seasoned athletes in the 100m, you’re not alone.

The president of the Somali Athletics Federation couldn’t resist finding out, and sent her hapless niece to compete at the World University Games in Chengdu, China.

It didn’t go well…

🔮 A fantasy football newsletter we actually read

If you’re playing Fantasy Premier League this year, you should subscribe to the LazyFPL newsletter.

They send a quick, funny and surprisingly smart email 24 hours before every gameweek deadline.

We read it last season and it was great - not only because it stopped us being idiots but also because we never forgot a deadline.

Subscribe here in one click.

FOOTBALL

🐍 Seille what?

After talismanic striker Iliman Ndiaye fired Sheffield United to promotion last season, the club pulled out all the stops to tie him down to a new contract.

Owner Prince Abdullah jetted in to offer Ndiaye an irresistible pay packet, the hallowed number 10 shirt of club legend Billy Sharp, and a lifetime supply of Yorkshire’s finest Pontefract liquorice. And he agreed.

So the club got to work filming a celebratory video showing Sharp handing over his famous shirt.

But just as they prepared to release the footage, a video appeared online showing a gleeful Ndiaye waving a flare and dancing with ultras at Marseille Airport.

It turns out he struck a deal with his boyhood club Marseille instead.

💉 Quick hits

🤯 Legendary Italian keeper Gianluigi Buffon announced his retirement this week, meaning next year will be the first season since 1931 that neither Buffon, Peter Shilton nor Stanley Matthews will make a first-team appearance.

🔍 Ian Holloway’s contract with Grimbsy Town included a patch of land for his wife to go metal detecting.

🔫 Former Everton winger turned actor Royston Drenthe is 500/1 to be the next James Bond.

🤦 FC Copenhagen striker Orri Steinn Óskarsson scored a hat trick against Breidablik in Champions League qualifying. Breidablik are managed by his dad.

👕 Liverpool misspelt new signing Dominik Szoboszlai’s name on the back of his shirt in a pre-season friendly.

🍔 After the final Ashes test, England’s cricketers went for a late night McDonald’s.

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Championship football
• Sheffield Wednesday v Southampton (8pm, Sky Sports)

Saturday
Women’s World Cup
• Switzerland v Spain (6am, BBC)
• Japan v Norway (9am, ITV)

Rugby Union
• Scotland v France (3.15pm, Amazon Prime)
• Wales v England (5.30pm, Amazon Prime)
• Ireland v Italy (8pm, Amazon Prime)

Sunday
Community Shield
• Man City v Arsenal (4pm, BBC)

Women’s World Cup
• Netherland v South Africa (3am, BBC)
• Sweden v USA (10am, ITV)

Championship football
• Leicester v Coventry (12pm, Sky Sports)
• Leeds v Cardiff (2.30pm, Sky Sports)
• Sunderland v Ipswich (pm, Sky Sports)

What we cover in the TV Guide

That's it for today.