RUGBY

🥊 Hoggmanay

When former Scotland captain Stuart Hogg got his trotters on an MBE in the New Year’s honours list, there were a few raised eyebrows in his home town of Hawick.

It’s well known among locals (and Upshot Gold readers) that Hoggy had a wild 2023, culminating in some unsavoury scenes at a “riding festival”.

To celebrate his new gong, Stu took his family and new girlfriend, jockey Leonna Mayor, to the races on New Year’s Day.

But after a long day on the sauce, he got into a row with his brother back home, and ended up swinging a punch at him.

Unfortunately, he missed and ended up decking his own mother before fleeing the family home, leaving his new girlfriend behind.

FOOTBALL

🐍 He used to feed it mice

Callum Hudson-Odoi was forced to deny he’d cropped up in Jeffrey Epstein’s little black book last week, but he’s not the only footballer quashing a bogus rumour.

The Premier League’s most decorated benchwarmer, Pegguy Arphexad, picked up six winners medals during a storied three years as an unused substitute at Liverpool.

But after disappearing into obscurity, the Pegatron gained fame for another reason: his enormous schlong.

According to former Leicester teammate Muzzy Izzet, "When Pegguy went for a pee, he didn't shake it, he kicked it. The joke in the dressing room was that he used to feed it mice."

From there, rumours swirled that Pegguy had swapped the Anfield bench for a career in the porn industry. Until he was confronted by the Leicester Mercury:

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FOOTBALL

🏝️ I’m looking into whether Nico Kranjcar has a Sentinelese grandmother

Former Pohnpei State gaffer Paul Watson has spent the past decade regaling audiences about his time managing the tiny Micronesian Island, where challenges included a toad infested pitch and his players’ addiction to betel nuts.

This week Paul recalled the time he was approached by TV executives about filming a series with Harry Redknapp, where they travelled the world setting up football teams in obscure places.

The execs first suggestion? The North Sentinel Island.

And in case that name sounds familiar, it’s the island inhabited only by an uncontacted tribe who killed an American missionary with a hail of arrows when he tried to teach them Christianity in 2018.

Not sure how they’d react to ‘Arry teaching them about 4-4-2, but according to Paul, “the exec just shrugged and said 'right, well you get the idea, maybe somewhere in the Amazon rainforest?'“

FOOTBALL

🔫 Shot on target

When Rearcross FC’s tricky winger Donnacha O’Brien went down in a crumpled heap, even his own teammates rolled their eyes.

Normally the theatrical forward would at least wait for a bit of contact before begging the ref to dish out a yellow, but there was nobody near him.

After checking on their writhing colleague, they realised something was up. Not only was Donnacha turning out for the junior team despite being 32, he’d also been shot.

He was carted off to Limerick Hospital with a gunshot wound in the arm, which the local Gardaí speculated was a stray bullet from a hunter on nearby farmland.

Sounds like a plot line from a murder mystery penned by Steve Bruce who, coincidentally, is being linked with the Republic of Ireland job…

CRICKET

🤔 Mont Blank

With A Question of Sport finally off our screens for good, BBC pen pushers are on the hunt for the new face of sporting trivia.

Bukayo “three A*s” Saka is a little busy, but what about Monty Panesar, who made an iconic appearance on Mastermind back in 2019?

The loveable English spinner had an absolutely torrid two minutes in the famous chair, guessing that the German football team played their home matches in Athens, and answering “America” to a question which began “which city”.

Asked whether a John Keats poem referred to spring, summer, autumn or winter, Monty replied “Oliver Twist”.

UPSHOT PODCAST

☕ Extra shot

If you’re clucking for more of this week’s funniest stories, you’ll love Extra Shot, our new Thursday podcast spilling the finest gossip, controversy and drama in sport this week.

On the first ever edition, we discuss dodgy rumours, porn star keepers, and that Sadio Mane story.

And on Tuesday’s pod, we delved into the golden age of snooker, when stars robbed graves, smoked crack and head butted referees.

From foursomes with fans to benders with the Rolling Stones, you can check out both episodes with the button below…

AND FINALLY

🤏 How Rud

Professional bastard Antonio Rudiger gives his ex-Chelsea teammate Alvaro Morata’s nipple a twist in the Spanish Super Cup semi-final.

That's it for today. Thanks to Russell.

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