💬 Quote of the day

“I’ve seen him in action abroad and many, many times in this country and it’s impressive, if that’s what you’re into.” - Tyrone Mings, when asked about Jack Grealish’s four day Champions League bender.

FOOTBALL

🏖️ Lisandro you can come out from your room now, they’ve gone

After a long, hard season ended in defeat to Man City in the FA Cup final, all Lisandro Martinez wanted was to let his hair down and forget about football.

As he settled in at the luxury Ushuaia Ibiza Beach Hotel, the Man United defender was probably looking forward to a bit of rosé and pan con tomate in the sun, cracking into a good book, and perhaps even checking out that meditation retreat in the north of the island.

The last thing he wanted to see as he popped down to reception to book a hot stone massage was Jack Grealish stumbling through the lobby blasting out Blue Moon from a boom box on his shoulder.

Following their Champions League victory, the City players jetted into Ibiza for a 10 hour bender, and checked into the same hotel as Lisandro.

Fortunately for Martinez, the rowdy treble winners headed straight to the hotel’s adjoining nightclub, before stumbling back to the airport at 10am, where Grealish was so smashed he was offered a wheelchair by cabin crew…

FOOTBALL

🌍 Wayne’s World

If gong baths in the Balearic sun don’t help Lisandro unwind, there is one man on the island who can lift his spirits.

Gary Lineker’s naughty brother Wayne has been welcoming Premier League stars to his godawful Ibiza sports bar for decades.

Sure, most punters are drawn in by the 3 pint jugs of Pornstar Martini and the “free dirty pints for stag dos” policy, but stick around a little longer and Wayne will teach you what really matters in life.

In a recent video, the 61-year-old listed the “10 things I can’t live without”.

After getting the obvious choices out the way - creme eggs, HP sauce and vinegar - Lineker finished up with the big three: Worldies, Instagram and Testosterone Injections.

No mention of friends or family, but when you think about it, Lineker’s Bar is just one big family isn’t it?

FOOTBALL

🤕 Gotta smack ‘em all

Watching Mario Balotelli’s easy patter on BT Sport’s Champions League coverage, it was easy to forget you were looking into the swivelling eyes of one of football’s great fruitcakes.

Fortunately new reports about his antics at Swiss club FC Sion have provided a swift reminder of just how mental Mario is.

Taking a shine to the former City striker, Sion’s 28-year-old sporting director Barthelemy Constantin invited him to a fancy dress party with his friends.

Arriving dressed as Pokemon character Pikachu, Mario was perfectly charming until a guest tried to take a photo of him.

After “a few verbals”, a furious Mario swung a punch at the guest, but missed, and smacked sporting director Constantin straight in the face.

And to make matters worse for poor Constantin, Sion were relegated a few weeks later.

FOOTBALL

😈 Darling, why is your boss outside the bedroom with a clipboard?

From phoning Kieran Tripper at 3am to making players train ‘til they puke, Diego Simeone has always been a very intense bloke.

So it’s no surprise the Atletico Madrid manager expects his squad to maintain a punishing shagging schedule too.

In a TV interview this week, El Cholo was horrified to learn the average Spaniard has sex 56 times a year.

“With four times a month you can't play in my team,” he gasped, before suggesting a benchmark of 15 times a month.

Sounds exhausting…

CRICKET

🍿 Had my wicket way

Speaking of big numbers in the bedroom, this morning brings the first Ashes series since the death of the Patron Saint of Shaggers, Shane Warne.

Fortunately you can still get your fix in Warnie, a trashy new Aussie drama about his life.

The trailer sees Warnie beguiling batsmen, getting into bed with grubby bookies and knobbing Liz Hurley.

But despite this hyper-realistic portrayal of the great man, it sounds like the actors playing Shane and his wife couldn’t quite keep up with Warne’s exploits - the pair were hospitalised while acting out a sex scene, with one of them breaking their wrist.

According to the actress playing Warne’s long-suffering wife, Simone:

It’s what he would’ve wanted!

💉 Quick hits

🤮 Ruben Dias puked in Jack Grealish’s mum’s handbag after necking two shots during Man City’s treble celebrations.

💸 Pep Guardiola donated his £750k bonus for winning the Champions League to the club staff, including receptionists and security.

👕 As Jude Bellingham moves to Real Madrid, a reminder that Birmingham retired his number 22 shirt when he left aged 17, after just 41 games for the club.

😈 Asked if she supported sex bans for tennis stars, Andy Murray’s mum Judy said “no, absolutely not.”

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

US Open golf
• Day two (3pm, Sky Sports)

Euro 2024 qualifiers
• Malta v England (8pm, Channel 4)
• Wales v Armenia (7.45pm, S4C)
• Denmark v Northern Ireland (7.45pm, Viaplay)
• Greece v Republic of Ireland (7.45pm, Viaplay)

Saturday
Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

Euro 2024 qualifiers
• Norway v Scotland (5pm, Viaplay)

US Open golf
• Day three (6pm, Sky Sports)

Formula 1
• Canadian Grand Prix: qualifying (9pm, Sky Sports)

Sunday
Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

Formula 1
• Canadian Grand Prix (7pm, Sky Sports)

US Open golf
• Day four (5.30pm, Sky Sports)

Rugby League Challenge Cup quarter-final
• Wigan v Warrington (2.30pm, BBC)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

🎣 File it under ‘Other Sports’

As the football season ends, The Sun’s thirsty sports hacks are getting desperate for stories…

That's it for today. Thanks to Josh, Harry and Frankie for sending in stories.