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💬 Quote of the day

Burnley chairman Alan Pace on his manager, Vincent Kompany.

FOOTBALL

😨 Dutch courage

As West Ham celebrated reaching the Conference League final last night, hooded ultras from opponents AZ Alkmaar shared their glad tidings bystorming the stands and trying to attack the Hammers squad's friends and families.

Declan Rice lobbed a water bottle at them and other players jumped the hoardings to intervene, before the stewards got it under control.

FOOTBALL

💪 I’ll blow your head off

It seems like only yesterday that Fernando Torres was a meek, baby-faced Chelsea striker with the goal-scoring instincts of a deep sea mollusc

But while you normies were paying your taxes and listening to Ed Sheeran, Fernando has been pumping out deadlifts and sprinkling creatine in his gazpacho, and he's now absolutely massive.

Unfortunately Nando's new physical prowess has gone to his head, and he's walking around the Spanish capital like Billy Big Balls.

Coaching Atletico Madrid under 19s against Real Madrid this week, Torres got in a scrap with his opposite man (and former teammate) Alvaro Arbeloa.

As Arbeloa squared up to him, Torres snapped: "I’ll blow your head off" and shoved him in the chest

The ref sent him off, sparking jeers from the Real Madrid fans, and leading El Niño to warn them: "I'm coming up there now, clowns."

FOOTBALL

📣 Che Tevara

The Upshot has always laboured under the delusion that Carlos Tevez was a mouth-breathing simpleton.

So we were surprised to learn the real reason Tevez never picked up a word of English during the 7 years he lived in Britain.

It turns out Carlos was making a powerful political statement in the non-violent traditions of Gandhi and Mandela.

Speaking to an Argentine radio station this week, he explained his lack of English was a coded protest:

Carlos' uncle must be a veteran of Argentine skirmishes in Italy and China too - Tevez spent four years in those countries and didn't pick up a word of their languages either.

TENNIS

🤯 You've Rune'd my day

It's bleak being an umpire. Flying around the world thanking BNP Paribas and getting patronised by home-schooled Euro brats - it's like working in private equity, without the cash

Take poor old Mohamed Layhani, who received a bollocking from both Novak Djokovic and Holger Rune in one match.

You might remember Holger as the 20-year-old who screamed at his mother for "staring at him" and was fined for yelling "you are playing like a faggot ass" during a match.

And he was throwing his toys out the pram again this week. After umpire Layhani made a dodgy line call, Holger summoned him down from his chair like a lowly peasant, and informed him: “You're an absolute joke, man."

In the same match, Djokovic took issue with how slowly Layhani was speaking: "Why do you call the score for 20 seconds. Just call the score. God's sake."

It caps off a miserable week for Mohamed, who cocked up a line call during Andy Murray's defeat, sparking a chorus of boos from the Italian crowd.

FOOTBALL

👨‍⚖️ I don't come cheap

Ivan Toney'sfull initials might be I.B.E.T., but the Brentford striker's eight month ban for gambling still seems a little harsh. It's only one month less than Cantona got for his kung fu kick.

Then again, Ivan isn't the first star to have his fingers burned at an FA hearing.

Back in 2000, Neil 'Razor' Ruddock was caught skipping training when he got into a fight on a golf course. His manager Harry Redknapp fined him two weeks wages.

Razor hired a top barrister and appealed the fine, taking it all the way to an FA tribunal, which he won.

After the panel delivered their verdict, Ruddock's lawyer turned to Premier League chairman David Richards and said: "Thank you Mr Richards, I'm afraid I don't come cheap'" and handed over a bill for £30,000, to which Richards replied: "This is not a court of law, we don't cover costs."

Ruddock's face dropped - he'd beaten the £20k fine, but had to pay £30k legal fees.

FISHING

🎣 We got ourselves a coupla cheaters here boys

Sure, Ivan Toney's ban is long, but at least he can spend the summer eating Wagyu out of Salt Bae's hand at some soulless Mykonos beach club

Across the pond, a judge has thrown the book at a pair of cheating fisherman who stuffed fish with weights to inflate the size of their catches.

An excellent video captured the moment the pair - two of the biggest names on the Ohio fishing scene - were caught and confronted by a baying mob.

Chase Cominsky and Jacob Runyan had trousered hundreds of thousands of dollars in prizes without getting caught.

Now a judge has banned them for three years, forced them to sell their $100k boat, and thrown them in the slammer for 10 days.

💉 Quick hits

🦉 Sheffield Wednesday came back from 4-0 down on aggregate to draw their play-off semi-final with Peterborough last night, then won on penalties.

📈 If Luton are promoted this season, Pelly-Ruddock Mpanzu will become the first player to have gone from non-league to the Premier League with the same club.

🏅 Because he played eight minutes for Barcelona this season, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang will get a La Liga winner's medal. It's the first title of his career.

🍼 Arsenal have been top of the Premier League at the halfway point of the season and failed to win the league four times - more than any other club.

🙏 Four years on from his cancelled farewell game, Italian rugby star Sergio Parisse is still begging Italy to give him one more cap. The number 8 is retiring this weekend, but he's told Italy he's "still available" for the World Cup in October.

🏏 Ahead of The Ashes, England bowler Ollie Robinsontrapped Aussie star Marnus Labuschagne LBW for 1.

📺 Sport on TV

Today
PGA Championship golf
• Day two (1pm, Sky Sports)

League one play-offs semi-final, second leg
• Barnsley [1-1] Bolton (8pm, Sky Sports)

European rugby Challenge Cup
• Glasgow v Toulon (8pm, BT Sport)

Saturday
Premier League football
• Tottenham v Brentford (12.30pm, BT Sport)
• Nottingham Forest v Arsenal (5.30pm, Sky Sports)

PGA Championship golf
• Day three (2pm, Sky Sports)

Champions Cup final rugby
• Leinster v La Rochelle (4.45pm, ITV)

Challenge Cup rugby league
• Leeds v Wigan (2.30pm, BBC)

Sunday
Premier League football
• West Ham v Leeds (1.30pm, Sky Sports)
• Man City v Chelsea (4pm, Sky Sports)

PGA Championship golf
• Day four (2pm, Sky Sports)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

👶 Expecting the worst

That's it for this week. Thanks to Ben for sending in stories.