💬 Quote of the day

"I wish it could be like my wife and Amazon, where we get a delivery every day" - Tottenham boss Ange Postecoglou on his club’s lack of new signings.

FOOTBALL

🤮 Oh you boys, what are you like

The Man City dressing room used to be a quiet, solemn place, where silence was only broken by Pep barking about overlapping centre backs or Kevin de Bruyne celebrating a Fortnite victory.

But last season it turned full frat house, as Kyle Walker waved his willy round Wythenshawe and Jack Grealish fired up his boombox.

And their antics are geeing up the quieter players too. Like defender Ruben Dias, who was teetotal until the end of last season.

After promising to “neck a couple of shots” if City pulled off the treble, Ruben was strapped into the dentist’s chair and waterboarded with tequila by his teammates.

Eyes streaming, Dias staggered around the party wretching, before disappearing behind a curtain for a tactical chunder.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t spotted a Gucci handbag belonging to Jack Grealish’s mum behind the curtain, and he filled it to the brim with sick.

Lucky it wasn’t Claire Foden’s handbag…

FOOTBALL

🚽 Urine trouble

Following Sunday’s story about Kolo Toure’s secret double life as a used car salesman, we had plenty of emails asking why a Premier League star would embark on such an elaborate caper.

But boredom can drive footballers to do strange things.

Take former Chelsea and Liverpool right back Glen Johnson, who was earning £30k a week when he was arrested for nicking a toilet seat at B&Q in 2007.

Glen and Milwall striker Ben May were caught sneaking the seat and a set of taps underneath the checkout to avoid paying.

"We all recognised Johnson," said one worker at the store. "No one could quite believe a bloke like him, with all that money, would be moronic enough to nick a toilet seat. But that's what him and May were doing.”

BASEBALL

 🌊 We did say ‘Caution: wet floor’

FORMULA 1

🙊 Oops.. I did it again

From falling off his e-scooter to wetting himself in the cockpit, there’s always been a touch of Alan Partridge about Nico Rosberg.

And the 2016 world champion was at it again during the Hungarian grand prix, squabbling with a child on live TV.

During a segment with three junior go-karters, Nico confided in them that his nickname at Mercedes was Britney, due to his long hair. “It was not cool”, he recalled, still seething at the moniker.

A few minutes later, the former Mercedes driver got up to leave, and one of the kids told him: “Good luck Britney, I hope you do well.”

Rosberg stopped in his tracks, and hissed: “No Scarlett that was not cool. I share a secret there with you guys, that was not cool at all.”

“Thank you Britney,” came Scarlett’s reply, leading Nico to death-stare her and growl, “please apologise”.

Finally, Scarlett said a quiet "sorry”, and Rosberg flounced off.

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎙️ Bedding baronesses and boob job blackmail

You might remember Nicklas Bendtner as a misfiring Arsenal striker with godawful tattoos. But what he lacked in goals, he made up for in scintillating off-field scandal.

From bedding baronesses to boob job blackmail, get the full story of Lord Bendtner's ludicrous life on episode three of The Upshot podcast.

Join our 20,000 listeners…

FOOTBALL

🍔 McMafia

Among the biggest surprises in this transfer window: Jonny Evans’ return to Man United.

Gaffer Erik Ten Hag is hoping the 35-year-old will set an example for the club’s younger stars, but he might want to do a few reference checks first.

While captain of West Brom in 2018, Evans led an ill-advised grand theft auto during a training camp in Barcelona.

After a late night sangria sesh in the team hotel, Evans, Gareth Barry, Jake Livermore and Boaz Myhill snuck out looking for a nightclub.

Finding everywhere shut, they took a taxi to McDonald’s and sent the driver in to load up on nuggets and Filets o’ Fish.

But while their chauffeur was in McDonald’s, the quartet commandeered his car and sped off into the Catalan night.

Evans and co eventually returned to the team’s five star hotel at 5.30am and left the taxi dumped outside, the original owner nowhere to be found.

The police were called, Evans was stripped of the armband and a run of six straight defeats followed, before West Brom were relegated.

💉 Quick hits

👎 Man United fans booed Harry Maguire during a pre-season friendly in America.

🤩 College gymnastics star Livvy Dunne can no longer attend her university classes because her crazed fans keep showing up.

👀 Before Prince Harry, Meghan Markle tried to date Ashley Cole.

🐎 The name of the horse at the centre of a doping scandal which has sent its trainer to prison… Maximum Security.

🙅‍♂️ Wrexham’s 40-year-old keeper Ben Foster was turned away from a bar in San Diego because he didn’t have ID.

📊 Attendances in the Saudi league last season…

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Ashes fifth test
• Day two (11am, Sky Sports)

Formula 1
• Belgian grand prix: qualifying (4pm, Sky Sports)

Super League rugby league
• St Helen’s v Leeds Rhinos (8pm, Sky Sports)

Saturday
Ashes fifth test
• Day three (11am, Sky Sports)

Belgian grand prix
• Sprint shootouts (11am, Sky Sports)
• Sprint (3.30pm, Sky Sports)

Women’s World Cup
• Sweden v Italy (8.30am, BBC)
• France v Brazil (11am, BBC)

Rugby Championship
• Australia v New Zealand (10.45am, Sky Sports)
• South Africa v Argentina (4.05pm, Sky Sports)

Sunday
Ashes fifth test
• Day four (11am, Sky Sports)

Formula 1
• Belgian grand prix (2pm, Sky Sports)

Women’s World Cup
• Switzerland v New Zealand (8am, BBC)

What we cover in the TV Guide

That's it for today. Thanks to Rory, Andy and Kyle for sending in stories.