💬 Quote of the day

“It’s funny that the two people who have accused me are popping dirty themselves” - Boxer Anthony Joshua, whose opponent Dillian Whyte failed a drug test.

CYCLING

🚽 Smelloton

Life in Scotland’s Carron Valley can get lonely. So when local couple Davie and Shona Findlay heard a knock on the door of their remote cottage, they were grateful for the company.

And their intrigue turned to elation when they opened the door to see world champion Mathieu Van der Poel standing before them.

But if Davie and Shona were hoping to crack out the shortbread for a chinwag about drivetrains and chain suck, they were disappointed.

Van der Poel quickly explained the race had been held up and he needed a poo.

And soon half the peloton were invading the tiny cottage to lay a cable.

“It was the biggest race of my life and it was so kind of these people to let me in their house and let me sit on their toilet,” Van der Poel gushed after the race, which he won.

"The delay was quite long and more boys went into that house.”

FOOTBALL

😈 And when you’re old enough, we’ll get you a YNWA tattoo

When Cristiano Ronaldo returned to Man Utd two years ago, fans joyously heralded their golden boy “returning home”.

But if they were expecting cosy nights by an open fire, passing round the After Eights and flicking through photo albums, they were disappointed.

Following a decent first season, Ronaldo reacted like a stroppy three-year-old in Toys R Us after learning he wouldn’t be first choice striker.

He accused the club of “betraying” him, branded his teammates lazy, and when club legends Gary Neville and Rio Ferdinand had the audacity to speak out, he snarled “they’re not my friends”.

Since moving to Saudi, Ron has been firing shots at the club from the comfort of his gated compound, and he unleashed another petty barb last week as his wife Georgina shared a photo of their daughter in a Mo Salah Liverpool shirt.

Should go down well on Moss Side…

🔮 Nail your team in 4 minutes

The Premier League starts today. If you’re playing Fantasy Premier League, you need to be subscribed to the LazyFPL newsletter (we are, it's great).

They condense hours worth of research into a funny, 4-min email sent 24h before every gameweek deadline. It’s ideal if you don’t have the time to spend hours researching every week, but still want to win your mini-leagues.

Subscribe now and you'll get their pre-Gameweek 1 email. Reading it will probably be the difference between a good and a bad start.

FOOTBALL

👑 Kyl switch

Only a year ago, Kylian Mbappe trousered an eye-watering new deal that granted him unprecedented control of Paris St Germain’s rotten kingdom.

But in the Qatari court, power is a fickle mistress, and after Mbappe agitated for a move to Madrid this summer, he was quickly stripped of his crown and banished to the leper colony.

These days, he is forced to train away from the first team squad along with 14 other “undesirables”.

The group of outcasts - including former Liverpool man Gini Wijnaldum and Argentine World Cup winner Leandro Paredes - posed for a photo the other day.

According to the Shot’s sources in Doha, the Qataris have informed puppet ruler Nasser Al-Khelaifi that Mbappe will not play at all this season unless he signs a new contract.

Kylian doesn’t seem too bothered though - after a week with the undesirables, he naffed off to Sardinia with a gaggle of bikini-clad influencers.

FOOTBALL

🤦 Spot of bother

An absolute horrorshow for Accrington’s Korede Adedoyin as he slips during their shootout defeat in the Carabao Cup.

He almost got away with it…

BOXING

 💝 Khan’t buy me love

Amir Khan is about as smart as a sack of wet mince, but he’s always retained an uncanny gift with the opposite sex.

Unfortunately, 17 years of getting pummelled in the head have finally taken their toll, and the 36-year-old’s womanizing skills are on the wane.

Khan was caught cheating on his wife Faryal the other day, telling a model “U look good on g string” and asking her for naked pics.

It’s hardly the first time the dirty dog has been caught out, but in the past he pulled out all the stops to secure his wife’s forgiveness.

This time, he simply nipped to Mercedes Bolton and bought his wife a hideous new G-Wagon car.

Judging by the photos of Faryal seething in the front seat, this highly transactional gesture didn’t quite do the trick.

She later sent a voice note to Khan’s mistress threatening to “slit her throat” and declaring herself “the biggest Asian”, whatever that means.

Still, this isn’t Khan’s first empty display of affection.

When he met Alex Ferguson last year, he tweeted a picture of the pair along with the caption:

"Lovely to meet Sir Alex Ferguson at Manchester Old Trafford Stadium. Best known for managing Manchester United from 1986 to 2013. He is widely regarded as one of the greatest football managers of all time".

Wonder how he came up with that…

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎧 Cat kickers and willy wavers

The Premier League doesn’t just specialise in high quality football and obscene sums of cash - it does a lovely side business in scandals too.

Ahead of the new season, we’ve picked out the biggest rogues, shaggers and miscellaneous comedy characters..

From cat kickers to willy wavers, this is the 2023/24 wrong’uns XI…

FOOTBALL

🦅 First they came for Riyad Mahrez

Within minutes of Leicester’s relegation to the Championship, the vultures began to circle.

First Tottenham scooped up James Maddison, then Newcastle snaffled Harvey Barnes. Man United even nicked veteran defender Jonny Evans.

And naturally Man City couldn’t resist raiding them too. With the Foxes’ festering squad picked clean, the treble winners prised groundsman John Lewidge from the King Power Stadium this week.

Who’s next? The Shot hears dinner lady Barbara Welton is in Munich completing a medical with Bayern…

💉 Quick hits

👀 Peter Crouch claims he caught Coronation Street’s Ken Barlow (played by William Roache) staring at his wife’s bum at Waitrose.

☄️ At 111km/h, Chloe Kelly’s penalty in England’s shootout was more powerful than any goal in the Premier League last season.

☘️ Great video of rugby coach Ronan O’Gara giving the most Irish team talk while speaking in French. Je m’en fecking fou!

🏆 England are 3/1 favourites to win the Women’s World Cup.

🍏 Excellent Matt Busby story…

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Women’s World Cup quarter-final
• Japan v Sweden (8.30am, BBC)

Premier League football
• Burnley v Man City (8pm, Sky Sports)

Saturday
Premier League football
• Arsenal v Nottingham Forest (12.30pm, BT Sport)
• Newcastle v Aston Villa (5.30pm, Sky Sports)

Women’s World Cup quarter-final
• Australia v France (8am, ITV)
• England v Colombia (11.30am, ITV)

Rugby Union
• England v Wales (5.30pm, Amazon Prime)
• France v Scotland (8.05pm, Amazon Prime)

Rugby League Challenge Cup final
Leigh v Hull KR (3pm, BBC)

Sunday
Premier League football
• Brentford v Tottenham (2pm, Sky Sports)
• Chelsea v Liverpool (4.30pm, Sky Sports)

What we cover in the TV Guide

That's it for today. Thanks to Ben, Marcus and Joe for sending in stories.