Lovely young thing

The Lewis Hamilton, Shakira and Tom Cruise love triangle, Eddie Howe's assistant fights for the limelight, when Roy Keane visited the Hacienda nightclub on his own and more.

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💬 Quote of the day

❝

I won't discuss the referee. Though, it was nice to see my credibility and ethics criticised by a guy who was banned for three years.

Jose Mourinho.

FOOTBALL

🍿 You Alf Inge a laugh?

By now, you've probably seen the footage of Erling Haaland's dad getting kicked out of his hospitality box for taunting Real Madrid fans.

Alf Inge Haaland has denied reports he threw peanuts at the hysterical Madristas, and insisted he "had some good banter" with them.

But he isn't always the most reliable witness. The former Man City midfielder has long cultivated the myth that Roy Keane's horrific revenge 'tackle' ended his career.

When he retired two years later he asked: "Did that tackle end my career? Well, I never played a full game again, did I? It seems like a great coincidence, don’t you think?"

In fact, he played the rest of that game, plus half a friendly for Norway four days later and another 68 minutes in Leeds' next fixture.

It's true that he then had knee surgery and never played again, but that was his left knee. Keane stamped on his right.

FOOTBALL

👨‍👦 Sorry pal, no wonderkids tonight

Getting kicked out of the VIP area is actually a bit of a Haaland family tradition.

A few years ago the above clip surfaced, showing a couple of burly Norwegian doormen bundling Erling out of some godawful Oslo nightclub.

Which reminds us of writer Clive Martin's amazing description: "Haaland has exactly the same vibe as the thousands of Scandi teenage boys I've met on my travels, the ones who lean into your ear and bellow 'the girls in here are fucking crazy man!”

FOOTBALL

🤝 Eddie operates a horizontal management structure so really we're equals

In the celebrity circus of modern football, assistant managers are the nameless, faceless cogs whose achievements often go unsung.

So can you blame Eddie Howe's number two Jason Tindall for coveting the limelight?

As revealed by an excellent Twitter account, Tindall is a bit of attention-seeker, barging into the middle of team photos and rushing ahead of Howe to shake hands with big-name opposition managers.

Besides the incredible clip above, here are a couple more examples:

FOOTBALL

🕺 Bomb the bass

Roy Keane always liked a pint and a scrap, but it's hard to imagine him a couple of pingers deep, dancing to Mr Fingers and telling a bloke called European Bob that he loves him.

So when the door staff of Manchester clubbing mecca The Hacienda spotted the United midfielder in the queue in the mid 90s, they were confused.

Heading out on his own, the United legend joined the queue with the pill-heads and abstract soul fans.

And the night could not have panned out in more Roy Keane fashion.

According to DJ Dave Haslam:

My theory is that he had been keeping himself to himself in the dressing room, but overheard Giggs and Ince talking about a Friday night out at the Boardwalk, and, undeterred by not having a friend to accompany him, decided to explore the club for himself.

Roy got in eventually, after paying the £5 admission.

He then queued at the bar behind Chris Eccleston, bought himself a Guinness and took up a spot on the edge of the dancefloor, just watching what was going on, no expression on his face.

Every minute or so he took a sip from his pint. When Jason dropped a great remix of the Bomb the Bass tune ‘Bug Powder Dust’, he didn’t respond, but continued to slowly survey the club in full swing in front of him.

When he finished his drink, he turned, put the empty pint glass on the side of the bar, walked past the Moss Side guys in their massive coats and the Gorton girls belting out the chorus to ‘I’m Every Woman’, went down the stairs, exited the club and never came back.

FORMULA 1

🎭 Cruise control

Tom Cruise was remarkably coy at the Miami Grand Prix on Sunday, ordering his heavies to block any attempts for an interview.

It's a bit of a turnaround from two summers ago, when the weirdo actor was popping up at every possible sporting occasion to promote his new movie.

Tom curtseyed for the fawning Wimbledon crowd, cosied up to David Beckham at Wembley, and even FaceTimed Harry Kane ahead of the final of the Euros.

Although in fairness, Sunday wasn't the first time he's gone incognito.

According to an old Popbitch story, the actor used to get his make-up artists to apply layers of silicon to his face so he could go out without anyone recognising him:

If he pulled, he'd invite the lovely young thing back to his yacht and, explaining that he was mega-rich, would get them to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA).

Then, in the morning, he'd go to the bathroom and take off the silicon, revealing to his unsuspecting guest that they'd just spent the night with... Tom Cruise!

FOOTBALL

🎮 Deflate my boobs

The coders behind Fifa have always won plaudits for the game's realistic portrayal of football's biggest names.

But as they move into the terrifying virgin territory of female players, the thirsty incels might need to contain their excitement.

Canadian striker Sydney Leroux has accused them of making her too "chesty" and over-plucking her eyebrows in the latest edition of the hit game.

She asked them to "Deflate my boobs a bit and put a different jersey on. I'll take the eyebrows."

Fair enough, although Sydney got off lightly compared to the sad, sunken-eyed depictions of Messi and Ronaldo in rival series eFootball...

FOOTBALL

🛀 VAR-y annoying

VAR might be about as popular as cholera, but it does produce the odd comedy moment.

After sending off Granit Xhaka's brother Taulant with a second yellow, the Swiss ref called him back from his early bath. The decision had been overturned.

But as the relieved midfielder jogged back towards the action, the ref showed him a straight red card and gave him a little "go on, eff off" gesture.

And back off he went...

💉 Quick hits

⛺ Indian cricket's new superstar, Yashasvi Jaiswal, moved to Mumbai on his own when he was 11 and lived for years in a tent near the cricket ground.

😍 After meeting Shakira at the Miami grand prix, Tom Cruise and Lewis Hamilton are both competing to woo her. Lewis took her for dinner, while Cruise has sent flowers.

💪 Great clip of Erling Haaland shrugging off two mid-air tackles on Tuesday night:

AND FINALLY

👨‍👦 Men against boys

These are the pre-match photos for Morocco Under 13s v Guinea Under 13s.

That's it for this week. Thanks to David, Duane, Rory and Irish Gas.

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