💬 Quote of the day

“I don't have an official Instagram account, I created one to check on the wives of the players because some of them gave me problems.” - a cunning excuse from Inter Milan sporting director Daniele Ausilio.

💼 We’re hiring

As the Saudi Premier League showers its new signings with gold-plated Lamborghinis and sedated tiger cubs, we are making a marquee signing of our own.

The Upshot is hiring a Staff Writer to write short, sharp stories about Brooklyn Beckham's culinary skills and melodramatic tennis brats.

This is an opportunity for a sport-loving writer who wants to join our team of two spilling gossip, controversy and drama for 100,000+ intelligent sport fans.

You can find the job ad here.

And there's something in it for you too. If you refer the candidate who we hire, we'll send you £250. So please do spread the word.

FOOTBALL

😈 Ney respect for the rules

Neymar has never been too troubled by sexual taboos. The PSG star paid for his dad’s orgies, joked about drinking his own jizz, and threatened to impale his mum’s toyboy with a broomstick up his bum.

So his girlfriend Bruna was probably a little shocked when the PSG star made a gushing public apology for cheating on her this week.

It’s particularly strange because it’s an open secret in Brazilian footballing circles that Neymar and Bruna have a special “understanding”.

Neymar is allowed to cheat provided he obeys three golden rules:

1. Always wear a condom

2. No prostitutes or strippers

3. No kissing them on the mouth

Modern love!

FOOTBALL

📺 Can we at least order some more booze?

When it comes to romance, we all have our methods: a bunch of BP forecourt tulips, the offy’s finest bottle of Casillero del Diablo, or carrying a well-thumbed copy of the London Review of Books.

Or, if you’re Jonjo Shelvey, you force your love interest to sit through a 10 minute YouTube compilation showcasing your long range passing ability.

According to a fan called Sophie, the Forest midfielder chatted her up on a night out before bringing her home for an after-party with teammates Chris Wood and Jesse Lingard.

But instead of racking up a few lines of some pub grub cocaine and sticking on Lingard’s latest Soundcloud mix, Jonjo forced everyone to watch a YouTube video titled “Jonjo Shelvey: The Playmaker”.

In fairness, Jonjo has got a sexy job. If Alan in HR live streamed himself doing risk assessments, he probably wouldn’t get many knickers through the letterbox.

FOOTBALL

🏖️ Childish phrases

After the furore over their wedding, Richard Keys’ new wife Lucie was looking forward to a beautiful honeymoon, miles away from nasty tabloid hacks and Twitter trolls.

But while Richard grudgingly retired to a sunbed, he couldn’t resist quickly tweeting a story sent to him by his old mucker Andy Gray.

Unfortunately by screenshotting the photo, Keysy also accidentally shared thumbnails of few other photos Andy had sent him recently, including this one…

And as the honeymoon wore on, the disgraced former Sky presenter found a quick moment between massages and candlelit meals to fire out a blog post settling a few scores.

Among his targets: Jamie Redknapp, who he accused of inventing all the phrases which got Keys fired all those years ago…

Err, yes.

CRICKET

🥩 Beef

As a good-natured Ashes turned nasty, Australia’s Channel 9 hoped to restore relations by getting two old foes to bury the hatchet.

They reunited Ian Botham and Aussie Ian Chappell for a first sit-down since Chappell accused Botham of threatening to stick a broken bottle in his face during a bar fight in 1977.

Chappell promised to smack Botham round the head with his bat the next day, and the pair were still screaming abuse at each other during a chance meeting in a car park in 2010.

But as Nazi war criminals say, that was all a long time ago. Surely, 45 years on, the pair could kiss and make up?

Unfortunately Chappelli didn’t agree: as Beefy sat down in the studio, the former Australia captain let out a disgusted grunt and couldn’t even look at his old foe in the eyes.

“I should’ve finished you off when I had the chance”, Botham growled, accusing his nemesis of “bricking it” during their car park encounter.

Finally, asked to say one positive thing about Botham, a sulking Chappell called him “the worst commentator of all time” and added: “Coward. Gutless.”

There’s more, so much more, and we really recommend watching it.

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BOXING

💉 Conte stand me now

From Dwain Chambers to Marion Jones, Victor Conte was the drug dealer of choice for an entire generation of cheating athletes.

So you’d think he’d keep his head down when the topic of doping comes up.

But the disgraced scientist couldn’t resist wading into the debate about Connor Benn, who failed a drugs test on the eve of his fight with Chris Eubank Jr last year.

Conte called for the boxer to be subjected to “24/7 testing 365 days a year”, and even offered to pay for the tests himself.

Fortunately Benn was on hand to give the most bent chemist since Walter White a reality check, replying on Twitter:

For a bloke whose been smashed in the head repeatedly, it’s actually a pretty funny joke. Might be a candidate for our staff writer job.

💉 Quick hits

🍖 Mauricio Pochettino held a barbecue at Chelsea’s training ground for all the club staff. And not a lemon in sight.

👨‍⚖️ After the scenes at Lord’s last weekend, the MCC have created an anonymous form to grass up misbehaving members.

⛵ Despite sanctions, Roman Abramovich is holidaying on his superyacht in Majorca.

🚽 A striker was sent off in the Argentine third tier for urinating on the touchline in the middle of the game.

🍿 While we’re discussing Ian Botham’s on-screen battles, it would be remiss of us to ignore the time he was ambushed by a rotating cast of unsmiling Scottish students. It’s TV gold…

👬 We’ve seen Indian cyclists called David Beckham Elkatohchoongo and Ronaldo, now meet Kenyan rugby star Andycole Omolo…

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

Wimbledon tennis
• Third round (11am, BBC)

Tour de France
• Stage seven (12pm, Eurosport)

F1
• British Grand Prix, practice (12.30pm and 4pm, Channel 4)

Saturday
Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

Wimbledon tennis
• Third round (11am, BBC)

F1
• British Grand Prix, qualifying (3pm, Channel 4)

Tour de France
• Stage eight (11am, ITV)

Rugby Championship
• South Africa v Australia (4.05pm, Sky Sports)
• Argentina v New Zealand (8.10pm, Sky Sports)

Sunday
Ashes cricket
• England v Australia (11am, Sky Sports)

Wimbledon tennis
• Round of 16 (11am, BBC)

F1
• British Grand Prix (3pm, Channel 4)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

✈️ What do you mean my baggage is still in Belgrade?

That's it for today. Thanks to Ross, Ben and Rory for sending in stories.