FOOTBALL

🧨 Death, taxes and Balotelli starting fires

In a scary and unstable world, there’s something comforting about the fact Mario Balotelli is still tormenting his teammates with firecrackers.

Many fans wrongly assume the 33-year-old gave up his pyromania after nearly burning down his Manchester mansion by setting off fireworks in the bathroom.

In fact, he was back at it three weeks later, rocking up at Micah Richards’ gaff and chasing him round the house with fireworks and a lighter.

And when Mario was made captain of his hometown club Brescia in 2019, they thought the responsibility would calm him down.

Instead, a teammate revealed: "He used to chase people with a lighter and hairspray trying to set them on fire".

They were relegated at the end of the season.

FOOTBALL

🤡 He’s not that Inter you

When you throw the best player of all time into a squad of absolute shitmunchers, heads are gonna roll.

First on the Inter Miami chopping block was gaffer Phil Neville, who was coincidentally sacked on the eve of Messi’s transfer.

Next, there was the small matter of totally overhauling the squad. Leo’s old pals Sergio Busquets and Luis Suarez replaced stalwarts like Shanyder Borgelin and Phil’s hapless son Harvey Neville.

So as the new season began last month, Messi’s bloodlust was finally sated.

That was until last week, when former Newcastle defender DeAndre Yedlin broke into an impromptu team talk, ordering Suarez to track back and reminding three time Champions League winner Busquets to “not give away any PKs”.

One week later, Yedlin - the fledgling club’s most capped player - was sold to Cincinnati.

FOOTBALL

🧑‍⚖️ OK, Quincy, let’s run through the rules one more time

Two weeks ago, a Dutch court handed Quincy Promes seven years in the slammer for smuggling 1,300kg cocaine and stabbing his cousin in the leg.

But the former Ajax striker wasn’t worried. He was banging in the goals for Spartak Moscow, and Russia doesn’t extradite criminals to the Netherlands.

So when he headed to Dubai for a warm weather training camp, Quincy’s lawyer had some simple advice: stay out of trouble.

Quincy was never the sharpest tool in the shed though, and within a few days he was back in cuffs, facing extradition to the Netherlands over a hit and run incident in the Gulf state.

But he was in luck. According to local press: “Russian authorities intervened at a high level” to secure his release.

FOOTBALL
📞 Hold that thought Kylian, I’ve got Zelensky on the other line

From Bill Clinton to Captain Haddock, the Middle East peace process has stumped some of the finest minds in postwar diplomacy.

But with peace-making talent thin on the ground these days, frazzled ministers had one last trick up their sleeve: rope in the master negotiator who once struck a deal for misfiring Stoke striker Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting.

During a break from massaging Kylian Mbappe’s bunions, PSG chairman Nasser Al-Khelaifi was invited by French president Emmanuel Macron to sit in on talks brokering a ceasefire in Gaza.

In fairness to Nasser, he did spend four years dealing with Neymar’s dad’s incessant demand for orgies, but not sure he’s quite got the temperament for peace talks.

When PSG were knocked out of the Champions League by Real Madrid in 2022, Khelaifi lost the plot, storming around the back corridors of the Bernabeu in search of the referee.

He accidentally burst into the Madrid dressing room screaming, and when a backroom staff member tried to film him, he smashed the phone out of his hand yelled “I’m gonna kill you”.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

🐺 Wolf in Chiefs clothing

It’s been a rollercoaster year for Xaviar Babadur, aka Chiefsaholic - the Kansas City Chiefs superfan who got himself in a slight pickle robbing banks while dressed as a wolf.

Sure, the Chiefs became the first back-to-back Super Bowl winners in two decades, but Xaviar had to enjoy their triumph from the confines of his high security cell, where he was awaiting trial.

Police eventually rumbled Xaviar after they realised a spate of armed robberies coincided with the Chiefs’ away trips.

On closer inspection, the eagle-eyed cops noticed the bank robberies were committed by a bloke in a wolf costume and Kansas City Chiefs cap.

He’s now pleaded guilty and is facing up to 50 years in jail.

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💉 Quick hits

✍️ No team has ever paid a transfer fee for Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting.

🔥 When he set fire to his house in Manchester, Mario Balotelli was seen fleeing with a Luis Vuitton bag stuffed with cash. 

🤕 Thomas Tuchel broke his toe after kicking a door during his team talk before Bayern Munich’s win over Lazio on Tuesday.

📉 Man United’s share price has fallen 33% since Jim Ratcliffe bought his stake.

🎣 We always assumed Nasser Al-Khelaifi was the pampered son of a sheikh. In fact, he’s a former tennis player and his dad was a fisherman.

Stay up to date on all the news from tech and AI with Techspresso.

AND FINALLY

🤡 Throw Bot wars

A Botafogo player wastes time by dragging his “injured” teammate back on to the pitch.

The Fluminense players then threw him back off so the game could continue, kicking off weird little tug of war.

That's it for today.