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💬 Quote of the day

Ivan Toney is on the warpath after his eight month ban for betting.

FOOTBALL

🏴‍☠️ I spent a lot of money on fizzy drinks, Domino's Pizza& and custom in-game dances. The rest I just squandered.

Everybody gasped at the 11 year sentence handed down to Mark Gould, the pirate TV mogul who made £7 million by selling illegal streams of Premier League games.

But there are some perks to Mark's new life behind bars: he'll get a proper bed, regular daylight and three square meals a day.

Judging by the absolute state of his flat when police searched it, he's been living on a diet of Doritos, special fried rice and strawberry shisha.

And he'll get regular exercise in the slammer, rather than lounging around on an inflatable sofa in his pyjamas, urinating in an old Pepsi Max bottle and dipping fruitellas in Domino's garlic dip.

Police are still looking for the £7 million Mark's gang made from the operation but they probably shouldn't bother - he's clearly spent it all on Fortnite dances and late night calls to Babestation...

FOOTBALL

🚓 Promes-ing talent

Speaking of unlikely criminal masterminds, Dutch forward Quincy Promes is in the dock, accused of smuggling an ungodly amount of cocaine into Europe.

Only two years ago the Dutchman was collecting his 50th international cap and turning down a move from Ajax to Man United.

But prosecutors claim Quincy was also sneaking off to Antwerp to crack open shipping containers filled with £65 million of cocaine.

He does have a bit of a history: in 2020 he got into a row with his cousin at a family party and stabbed him in the leg.

He's being tried for that crime too, although Quincy won't appear in court himself: he's currently banging them in for Spartak Moscow, and Russia conveniently doesn't have an extradition treaty with the Netherlands...

FOOTBALL

🤌 Leonardo leads

Jose Mourinho got some stick for loitering in the car park to abuse the referees after his Europa League final defeat, but he wasn't the only man in Italy taking the law into his own hands.

In the Serie C play-offs, Lecco were incensed when the referee awarded a controversial 86th minute to their opponents.

The club's octogenarian owner Paolo Leonardo di Nunno stormed the field (very slowly) on a mobility scooter, gesticulating wildly as he approached the ref at 4.7mph.

And Paolo had the last laugh - Lecco won the second leg thanks to a winner from striker Cristian Bunino, who's just returned from a ban for taking a leak on the side of the pitch during a game.

Mes que un club!

FOOTBALL

💼 Stock's portfolio

After his side's fairtyale play-off victory, Sheffield Wednesday keeper David Stockdale has been giving it large, baiting Sheffield United fans online with pics of his winner's medal.

Considering Dave spent the season run-in warming the bench, it's a little OTT, but he's always enjoyed blowing his own trumpet.

You might recall the discovery of DavidStockdale13.co.uk last year, the official homepage of the self-described "brilliant goalkeeper".

Penned in the third person, the site lists various strings to Stocky's bow, including his philanthropy, business instincts and "unswerving respect for women across the board".

Alongside shots of Dave doing impressive stuff like reading the paper and unsheathing a cigar in front of a globe and chessboard, the site squeezes in a mention of his "classic 1986 Ferrari Mondial".

But don't think that bragging is all for his own ego: "His intrinsically kind nature means he has always made time for charity and community projects."

CRICKET

👑 Walking like a dude, feeling all cool

Not so long ago, Indian batsman Shubman Gill was a softly-spoken nerd who spent his free time studying tapes of Rahul Dravid's forward defence and apologising to his father for failing to score more than 91.

But after smashing three hundreds in this year's IPL, the 23-year-old has been anointed India's next cricketing God. And he's celebrated with a bit of a glow-up.

The Wisden almanacs and MS Dhoni posters on his bedroom walls are gone, and Shubman is now fighting off the advances of Bollywood megababes and flaunting his rock hard abs in Instagram thirst traps.

He's even dating the daughter of the great Sachin Tendulkar, which leaves only one more step on the path to Indian sporting greatness: starring in a lucrative but embarrassing pimple cream advert, just like Virat Kohli.

💉 Quick hits

🇪🇸 La Liga teams have now won 18 finals in a row against non-Spanish opponents. The last non-Spanish team to do it was Bayern Munich beating Valencia in the 2001 Champions League final.

👅 Cricketer Josh Tongue earned a family friend £50,000 by making his Test debut for England yesterday. The bloke bet £100 at 500/1 when Josh was 11.

💍 Tennis star Garbiñe Muguruza is marrying a fan who she met when he stopped her in the street for a selfie.

🏆 When Atletico Madrid were chasing the La Liga title in 2021, boss Diego Simeone banned his players and staff from saying "good morning". Instead they had to say "Champions".

📺 Sport on TV

Today
Test cricket
• England v Ireland (11am, Sky Sports)

French Open tennis
• Third round (9.30am, Eurosport)

Saturday
FA Cup final
• Man City v Man United (3pm, BBC)

Formula 1
• Spanish Grand Prix: qualifying (3pm, Sky Sports)

Test cricket
• England v Ireland (11am, Sky Sports)

French Open tennis
• Third round (9.30am, Eurosport)

Scottish FA Cup final
• Celtic v Inverness Caledonian Thistle (5.30pm, BBC)

Super League rugby league
• Three games (from 1.30pm, Sky Sports)

Sunday
Test cricket
• England v Ireland (11am, Sky Sports)

Formula 1
• Spanish Grand Prix (2pm, Sky Sports)

French Open tennis
• Fourth round (9.30am, Eurosport)

Super League rugby league
• Three games (from 12.30pm, Sky Sports)

What we cover in the TV Guide

AND FINALLY

🍆 Balls up

As a legendary manager and player at River Plate, Marcelo Gallardo was a fantastic servant to the club. So what better way to thank him than by immortalising him in bronze with a huge cock?

Slightly weird shape though - reminiscent of England rugby star Jason Leonard's gigantic bollock.

While we're on the subject, check out the howitzer on England spinner Jack Leach...

That's it for this week. Thanks to DH, Duane, Liz and Jade for sending in stories.