It’s the Monday after Glastonbury festival, and we’re either stuck in a traffic jam on the A303 or we’re dancing naked around a burning wicker effigy.

So here’s something special we made earlier: it’s The Upshot’s guide to Wimbledon 2023.

With seven days to go, meet the biggest brats, headcases and shaggers to grace the hallowed grass of SW19 next week…

🧙‍♂️ A magic potion

You don’t get to be the most successful player of all time without having a few extremely sinister habits foibles.

So here’s your annual reminder of all the voodoo shit Novak Djokovic is into:

• Djoko says his career was “defined” by the day a doctor (presumably a witch doctor) placed a slice of white bread on his stomach to diagnose him as gluten intolerant.

• He believes in telepathy and telekinesis (the ability to move physical matter with your brain).

• He opposes surgery and cried for three days because he had “failed himself” when he had elbow surgery in 2018.

And then there’s the story we once heard about his two dogs, Tesla and Pierre.

Apparently the two poodles join the Djokovic family for dinner every night, sitting on chairs and eating from bowls on the table like they are people.

In fairness, last year Novak came across as a really nice guy, joking with the crowd and showering Kyrgios in compliments after putting him to the sword in the final.

He did still find time for a bit of weird shit - celebrating his win by wolfing down a mouthful of centre court grass like a dog eating hot chips.

Since then, he’s carried on his habit of inhaling a mysterious concoction cooked up by his shady entourage.

When asked what's in his bottles, Djokovic will only say "a magic potion my physio prepares in his lab".

Whatever it is, it’s working: he’s won the French and Aussie Opens already this year, and he’s everyone’s favourite for Wimbledon.

If he does do it, look forward to a repeat of his celebrations in Melbourne, where he pointed to his cock and screamed "I will fuck all of your mothers, I'll fuck all of them" in Serbian.

🤯 Empty brains

Novak’s biggest threat is headcase world number 3 Daniil Medvedev, who is always good for a spicy tantrum.

Back after last year’s ban on Russians, Medders has hit a rich vein of form this season: he’s already screamed “fuck off” at a heckler, taunted a beaten opponent with a weird little jig, and yelled “you piece of shit” at an umpire.

In fact, we haven't seen the Russian brat in this kind of nick since 2017, when he responded to a defeat at Wimbledon by pulling out his wallet and throwing coins at the umpire's feet.

Daniil’s slightly broken English is always a treat. Previous insults include calling an umpire “a small cat” (think he meant pussy), branding the crowd "empty brains" and yelling at one rowdy supporter: "Man you better shut your fuck up OK?"

✋ No sex please, we’re already worried about house prices

It all got a bit Last Days of Rome in the searing south London heat last year.

According to the red tops, two Pimms-addled spectators were caught fornicating in one of the tournament's quiet rooms, which are supposed to be for "prayer, meditation or escaping the crowds".

In fairness, it's a slight improvement on knobbing in the nearby woods, which is so common during Wimbledon fortnight that locals pin up posters begging tennis fans to refrain from "sex parties".

Last year the poster read:

And if you thought the All England Club's security guards might do something about all this, don't hold your breath: police arrested three of them last year for fighting with each other outside court number one.

Apparently they fell out after one guard took a three hour lunch break.

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😈 You eat with your eyes

Barring a last minute change, there will be no Boris Becker on the BBC coverage - the German is still unwelcome on these shores after his stint in the slammer.

While most viewers will be disappointed, the news will probably come as a relief to umpire Marijana Veljovic, who Boris has a habit of ogling from the commentary box.

“I have to say, the umpire is extremely pretty,” the dirty old dog remarked after she appeared on screen a few years ago.

It might have been alright if he'd left it there, but Boris couldn't resist adding: “You eat with your eyes," a German expression roughly meaning "feast your eyes on that!"

🧐 Look out for…

😡 Tantrums from rising brat Holger Rune, who has already been fined for yelling “you are a pussy player!” and “you are playing like a faggot ass!”

🕵️ The obergruppenführers at the All-England Club taking the “all white attire” rule to ludicrous extremes. Last year Indy de Vroome got a bollocking because the inside of her hat "wasn't white enough".

🎾 Violence towards ball kids: Miyu Kato and Aldila Sutjiadi were disqualified from the women's doubles in Paris after Kato accidentally hit a ball girl in the face.

🤕 The excellently named Tennys Sandgren, who was once disqualified when a ballboy hit him in the balls and he whacked another ball at a line judge’s bum in frustration.

🍺 About 700 drinks bro

No guide to tennis’s problem children would be complete without villain-turned-hero Nick Kyrgios.

In a fairtyale run to the final, tennis’ answer to Jonah Takalua served up his usual cocktail of mind games, tantrums and wizardry.

He still found time to frighten the umpire, accuse a fan of having “had about 700 drinks bro” and abuse his entourage for not cheering enough.

In response, the confused Kyrgios clan were forced into feigned enthusiasm, gurning and clapping manically like North Koreans at a party rally.

Since then, he’s spent much of the season injured, although he has squeezed in the odd tantrum too…

At 40/1, the bookies rate him as sixth favourite, but we’ll be rooting for him…

AND FINALLY

💊 When you bring your Glastonbury leftovers to Wimbledon

Can't really blame them when a Gin and Tonic is £18.

Full video here.

That’s it for today.