A 100mph police chase

Jose Mourinho's seedy turn

October 11, 2024

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💬 Quote of the day

“I saw Pogba and Lingard dancing on Instagram when we were sixth in the league, and I rang Wayne Rooney and said: ‘what is going on here?’” - Rio Ferdinand.

FOOTBALL

📹 Whistle blower

With their elaborate Iznik pottery and skilful barbers, it’s easy to forget the Turkish are the horniest people on the planet.

There was a sordid reminder from the country’s Super Lig this week as a video emerged of referee Elif Karaarslan knobbing her 61-year-old boss, referees chief Orhan Erdemir.

Stunned blazers swiftly banned the pair for life, but Elif insists the video is an AI-generated fake.

In the interests of accurate journalism, The Upshot has studied the video carefully, and we’re tempted to agree with her: their faces do look a little “glued on”.

Justice for the Super Lig Two!

BASKETBALL

👀 Mour the merrier

As Turkish football takes a seedy turn, the Super Lig’s most studious minds are being dragged into the gutter too.

After pulling up a courtside seat to watch Fenerbahce’s basketball side, Jose Mourinho was spotted sneaking in a thirsty gawp at a passer-by.

In fairness, this isn’t a one-way cultural exchange: Jose’s malign instincts are rubbing off on his colleagues too.

This week Turkey’s national basketball coach revealed his sympathies for hated rivals Galatasaray. In response, Fenerbahce’s basketball coach banned his squad from playing for their country.

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FOOTBALL

🚓 Shifting gear

So it’s 15 months in the slammer for Anthony Stokes, the former Celtic and Sunderland striker with a penchant for a wee bit of Charlie.

In three wild weeks last winter, Stokes got caught up in two separate police chases, speeding through Dublin at 100mph with a carful of cocaine before ditching his vehicle and fleeing through a field.

After risking their lives to finally corner Stokes in a muddy bog, you’d think the Irish coppers would be sick of the sight of him.

But in court, the arresting officer described Stokes as “a pleasure to deal with”.

Sounds a bit Wandsworth prison…

FOOTBALL

🍑 Below Dec

When The New Saints became the first Welsh side to play in a full European competition, the tiny village of Llansantffraid-ym-Mechain came to a standstill.

As their heroes walked out to face goliaths Fiorentina, excited locals huddled round a big screen in the packed club bar, where proud mothers handed out home-baked shortbread.

Among them, the family of forward Declan McManus, who’s spent most of his career plugging away in the Scottish lower leagues.

The McManus clan waited, cameras at the ready, for the line-ups to appear on TNT Sports, and Laura Woods to utter the proud McManus name.

And then it appeared… Declan McAnus.

They lost 2-0.

FOOTBALL

😨 Hit the Sak

You probably saw the video of Conor McGregor terrorising Bukayo Saka last week, play-fighting the Arsenal star like your aunt’s cokehead third husband at a christening.

Saka eventually pleaded with him to “be careful, yeah?” and Arsenal clearly agree: the club say they are now “reviewing our matchday protocols”.

The last time they banned a famous Gooner was 9/11, when they released a statement announcing Osama Bin Laden “clearly wouldn’t be welcome at Highbury in the future”.

And for those doubting the Al-Qaeda mastermind’s loyalty to the team, we refer you to this letter we received from Alistair…

I sat behind Bin Laden in the Clock End at Highbury at the match vs Liverpool on March 26th 1994.

It was only after he emerged as leader of Al-Qaeda and it was revealed that he had been in London in 1994 that I realised who he was, but he was pretty damn unmistakable.

Very tall, beard, limped, and like a true Arsenal fan, he left early.

💉 Quick hits

💸 After sacking the beloved club historian and kitman to save a few pennies, Man United have spunked £200,000 erecting a wall at their training base to prevent rivals spying on them.

🎙️ Alan Shearer’s “pressure is for tyres” commentary from Euro 2024 is being used in a Kamala Harris campaign ad.

🤕 Axel Tuanzebe is out for four games after nearly slicing his thumb off doing the washing up.

🦛 Until recently, Tuanzebe was the world record holder for the fastest time to clear a game of Hungry Hippos: 17.36 seconds.

AND FINALLY

🥷 Kon artist

Arriving for international duty in a hideous outfit is one of the French squad’s more savoury traditions, and this was Ibrahim Konate’s effort this week.

That's it for today.

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