A 4am piss up with Rod Stewart

Jordan Henderson's steamy escapades

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💬 Quote of the day

"Strange and inappropriate. It’s a shame.” - Former teammate Nico Rosberg on Lewis Hamilton’s clothes.

FOOTBALL

📝 What a Mess

Liverpool’s hard-partying staff were still up singing Auld Lang Syne when Real Madrid’s insulting £20m bid for Trent Alexander-Arnold landed in their inbox.

In fairness, he is out of contract in the summer, so it’s not as outrageous as the £30 million bid Man City made for Lionel Messi back in 2008.

According to former CEO Garry Cook, City’s new owners were looking to make a statement signing, and instructed staff to send scattergun offers out for star players all across Europe.

Amid the chaos, an exec misheard the owner’s assistant complaining “it’s getting messy”, and fired out a £30 million offer for Barca’s talismanic number ten:

Pairoj was lying on a chaise lounge, getting a massage, and shouting: 'Yes, yes, yes! Very messy, messy, it's getting messy.’

Something got lost in translation and — on my daughter's eyesight, this is the truth — that was misheard as ‘we've got to get Messi’.

And back came the response from Barcelona president Joan Laporta: “Who the fuck do you think you are?"

FOOTBALL

🧖 A Mackem in Mokum

For a culture vulture like yourself, Amsterdam is the city of Rembrandt, Jan Pieterszoon Sweelinck and Quincy Promes Rachel Ruysch.

But for thousands of ‘orrible Brits, the Dutch capital is a liberal haven where they can indulge in despicable deeds they wouldn’t dream of perpetrating at home.

And judging by this new Athletic article on his first year at Ajax, Jordan Henderson belongs to the latter camp…

FOOTBALL

🚂 This is Avanti West Coast we’re talking about

“Great to see Jamie Carragher on the picket line at Euston,” chirped the RMT union on New Year’s Eve, as the Sky pundit posed with striking railway workers.

It was a minor publicity coup, although judging by Carra’s luggage and Louis Vuitton suit carrier, he was about to cross the picket line and board the 13.18 to Blundellsands & Crosby.

FOOTBALL

🤢 Wake up Carlton, I think we’ve got QPR to play at 2

Wayne Rooney might have spent New Year’s Day sobbing into his Argyle mousepad and firing out CVs to Ebbsfleet United and Arnavutköy Belediyespor, but at least he wasn’t coughing up his stomach lining in front of 34,000 people.

That’s what happened to Sheffield Wednesday’s Carlton Palmer back in 1994, after teammates Chris Waddle and Chris Woods convinced him to come out on the piss the night before an early NYD kick off.

At 4am, he was papped at Tramp nightclub with Rod Stewart, still in his club tracksuit.

At 10.30am, he staggered into the pre-match meeting and found out Waddle and Woods had failed fitness tests earlier in the week and weren’t in the squad. Unfortunately for Carlton, he was starting.

After puking on the pitch during the warm up, he was tasked with marking Les Ferdinand:

The worst moment came in the second half. They turned on the floodlights and the sudden brightness dazzled me. I didn't know where I was. I was facing the wrong way until Les said: ‘Let me give you a hand’ and gently turned me through 180 degrees.

Somehow, the Owls won 2-1.

💉 Quick hits

🎯 Despite earning millions in prize money, darts star Peter Wright isn’t allowed to access his bank account. Instead, his wife gives him a weekly allowance of £212.

💰 Barcelona could lose $273m on Dani Olmo because they are unable to register him for the remainder of the season due to financial fair play rules.

🐊 33 percent of players on the Florida Gators’ 2008 National Championship roster have since been arrested.

AND FINALLY…

👨‍🦲 Fortune favours the bald

That’s it for today. Thanks to Steve.

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