A dressing room syphilis outbreak

Wayne Rooney's bedroom burn

In partnership with

Send stories, abuse and tasteless jokes to [email protected]

💬 Quote of the day

"It’s not really, on paper, a bad run if you add wins to it.” - Ex-Everton boss Sean Dyche on their recent results.

FOOTBALL

️‍🔥 Dyson with death

Wayne Rooney’s wife, Coleen, has put up with a lot over the years, but his penchant for sleeping with the vacuum cleaner on must be his worst offence.

It’s well documented that Wazza likes to nod off to the dulcet tones of a Henry Hoover, but he’s also been known to snooze with a hair dryer blasting cool air into his face.

And this week, Coleen revealed this irritating habit was almost fatal.

Appearing on the Stick to Football podcast, she recalled the time Wayne nearly burnt the house down when his hair dryer caught fire.

“It’s gone on fire before” she explained. Apparently Rooney normally uses the cold setting, “but this one time he said that he was cold and left it on hot” igniting the bedroom and burning his toe.

Next time try a “Top 10 hair dryers” compilation on YouTube.

Your New Favorite Boot

These boots show up ready to deliver over-the-top comfort on day one without any break-in period. Try them on the job for up to 30 days. If you're not satisfied, return them, no questions asked.

FOOTBALL

🦠 Revenge of the syph

The words “syphilis outbreak” conjure images of Victorian brothels frequented by gin-swigging dock hands and opium-addled poets.

Unless you’re employed by Argentine side Boca Juniors, where Miss Siff is very much a going concern.

According to local press, the entire squad and coaching staff have been summoned to a health clinic to be swabbed for the venereal disease, after three players tested positive.

It’s not clear who the guilty parties are, but among the players nervously queuing at the Buenos Aires branch of Bupa are ex-Man United stars Edison Cavani, Marcos Rojo, and Sergio Romero.

The new Primera División season kicks off in two weeks when Boca face Argentinos Juniors. Our money’s on the side without genital sores.

FOOTBALL

💒 In sickness and incest

Speaking of sexual practices which belong in early modern societies, former Brazil striker Hulk married his niece this week.

Or rather, his ex-wife Iran Angelo’s niece, Camila, who’s also cousin to three of his children.

It’s unclear whether the kids sat on the bride or groom’s side of the chapel, but one relative who stayed way clear was Iran’s sister, who branded the wedding a “macabre spectacle” before adding:

It is sad to realise that Judas is not only in ancient stories, sometimes he sleeps under the same roof, eats at the same table and, at the right moment, stabs you in the back.

Safe to say she won’t be treating them to the gravy boat they asked for.

FOOTBALL

👙 Good girl gone Gad

Sports reporter Jake Gadon was caught admiring Rihanna's Valentine's Day lingerie collection live on CBS this week.

And he may or may not have been covering a massive erection…

This Holiday, Give the Gift of Sport With Nike

This holiday season, find gifts that inspire movement and joy with Nike. From performance gear to cozy loungewear, there’s something for every athlete in your life. Whether it’s the latest kicks or versatile essentials, Nike helps you make every gift count. Start shopping now and make this season unforgettable.

FOOTBALL

🐊 See you later, Mark Draper

It’s the FA cup third round this weekend, which usually throws up some eccentric characters.

Like former Gravesend and Northfleet FC manager Christopher Weller, who took the non-league minnows to a third round tie at Aston Villa in 1996 while harbouring an illegal collection of man-eating crocodiles.

Like a Poundland Dr. Evil, Weller kept four fully-grown caiman, four iguanas, two parrots, four birds and two monitor lizards in his bungalow in Kent.

Christopher (56, single) lived in the attic of the house as the animals had free rein of the ground floor, including a 6ft × 6ft rock pool he’d installed in the living room.

When a neighbour cottoned on to his menagerie, the police were called and he was arrested.

As Kent Online reported:

The next day an officer went to the house, expecting to find some iguanas but was shocked to look through the window to see two adult crocodiles.

The following day policemen, locksmiths, council officers, vets and members of the Reptile Trust forced their way into the bungalow and seized the caiman.

The creatures were then driven with a police escort to the Reptile Trust in Newcastle.

Did they really need a police escort?

💉 Quick hits

🦠 Other famous syphilis sufferers include Friedrich Nietzsche, Hitler and Al Capone.

Roberto Carlos has been forced to deny he’s sleeping at the Real Madrid training ground as he goes through a messy divorce.

🇵🇹 Jose Mourinho is odds-on favourite to replace Sean Dyche as Everton boss.

🚗 Harry Maguire has been banned from driving after getting caught speeding twice in three days.

AND FINALLY…

⚓ Monstrous Ink

Former Man City man Nicolás Otamendi has a truly awful back tattoo dedicated to the golden age of telly…

That’s it for today. Thanks to ASHWOODCITYFAN.

Reply

or to participate.