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FOOTBALL

🅿️ And if you wanna keep your hub caps that’ll be an extra tenner

Jim Ratcliffe hasn’t quite got round to charging United fans 30p for a half-time piss, but he’s certainly giving them the Ryanair treatment this year.

And it turns out he’s not the only one bleeding them dry.

Artful scammers have been doing a roaring trade at Old Trafford this season, by slipping on high-vis “match day parking” vests, directing supporters to spots on private land and then charging them £10 a pop.

Numerous fans have reported getting back to their cars after games, only to find they’ve been hit with £170 fines for parking in the wrong place.

Anyone concerned about falling victim to this swindle could take a leaf out of Ravel Morrison’s book.

The ex-Man Utd prodigy was so sick of paying to leave his Audi in Manchester city centre, he decided to buy a dodgy disabled permit from “someone in Old Trafford”.

Although, admittedly, he was fined £1,000 when authorities realised his badge was registered to a “deceased person”.

FOOTBALL

🌿 Fowl play

Katie Price has found the cure for cancer, and she’s offering you a hefty discount with the code JORDAN40.

If you think that sounds too good to be true, you’ve clearly not been reading enough of Matt Le Tissier’s newsletter.

Price told her followers this week about her “very serious chat” with Olympic boxer Anthony Fowler and his wife:

Fowler is of course the snake oil salesman behind Supreme CBD, which is peddled by washed-up footballers like Le Tiss and John Hartson.

They have all been rapped by the Advertising Standards Authority in the past for sharing similarly dodgy ads.

So you’d have to be pretty unscrupulous - or downright stupid - to keep showing support…

☀️ Carlos Soler? Nah, way better value

Turkey teeth for Graham Potter? A number eight to finally step into Declan Rice’s boots? Or a decent lawyer for Lucas Paqueta?

No, the best signing West Ham will make this summer is 6,500 square metres of solar panels. They’re following neighbours Leyton Orient, who cut their electricity costs by 40% since they went solar last summer.

If you’d like to cut your electricity bills but don’t fancy the hefty price tag, check out the UK’s first solar subscription, Sunsave Plus. It comes with a fixed monthly fee instead of any upfront cost, and Sunsave has calculated the average UK home can cut its electricity costs by 86%.

Sunsave UK Limited is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority (FRN 1008450) as a credit broker not a lender. Subject to status, T&Cs apply.

FOOTBALL

💣 I'd catch a grenade for ‘Youn

Back in his Chelsea days, the worst Yossi Benayoun had thrown at him was a stick of celery or an empty baggie licked clean of Fulham Broadway coke.

So he was somewhat taken aback when a motorcyclist pulled up outside his house in Tel Aviv and lobbed a hand grenade at his front door.

Fortunately no one was hurt, and police are treating it as “a criminal attack rather than a terrorist incident.”

Yossi, meanwhile, is sure it was a case of mistaken identity:

So no eyes on the Jerusalem wing of the Fulham ultras just yet…

FOOTBALL

🥱 Hold the front page

There was a time when football journalism was a rock ‘n’ roll profession, where Fleet St hacks would sink pints with Bobby Moore and scrawl their match reports on the back of a fag packet.

But these days, it’s more about counting Saka’s successful backheels and studiously calculating Solly March’s expected pass completion.

And the BBC took that utter tedium to insane heights this week, by sending not one, not two, but seven reporters to ask the big question…

The shocking exposé revealed Ange Postecoglou spent 47% of the Spurs v Saints game in the middle third of his technical area, and Thomas Frank prefers a “slightly higher vantage point from the bench”.

FOOTBALL

🍸 Second coming

When we introduced you to Barcelona SC gaffer Segundo Castillo last month, we were slightly worried the snazzy-dressed Ecuadorian would be a one-hit wonder.

But we’re glad to report our rakish friend is making waves once again, this time for his unbelievable touch.

An Upshot favourite is born!

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AND FINALLY…

🎰 Sofia’s choice

A VAR official has been banned after eagle-eyed viewers caught him placing a bet when he should have been officiating a game in the Bulgarian top flight.