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A lechy uncle and the bridesmaids
David Raya tanks his own wedding
💬 Quote of the day
“In hindsight, it wasn’t smart not to come to previous court days.” - Former Ajax winger Quincy Promes, who’s appealing his cocaine trafficking conviction.
FOOTBALL
👰 You’ve let yourself down
David Raya’s fiancé Tatiana had spent months making sure their wedding day would be absolutely perfect.
She’d found a gorgeous Catalan villa, sourced miniature bottles of homemade ratafia for each guest, and made sure David’s lechy uncle would be sat as far away from her bridesmaids as possible.
All David had to do was rock up in a suit and say “I do”.
Which he did. Kind of…
The Arsenal keeper bowled into the venue in an inflatable tuxedo, with a conga line of his stupid mates in tow.
Presumably the best man speech was a dog’s dinner of in-jokes, needless references to his ex and off-colour gags about the Las Vegas stag do.
F1
📱 Google Drive to Survive
Farewell then, Christian Horner, who survived a lewd sexting scandal but couldn’t survive sinking to a lowly 4th in the Constructors' Championship.
Red Bull sacked their boss of 20 years this week, only 12 months after he was cleared of wrongdoing over texts he sent to a junior employee.
Personally, we made our mind about up about him when we were sent a Google drive folder containing screenshots of all the messages.
The most damning one saw him confessing to “finishing off in the bathroom” on a flight to Dubai after his employee got him “out of control”:
There’s also one where he reveals he has a minor fixation with Spanx underwear:
FOOTBALL
🗄️ There’s no good news Robbie. There’s only bad news and irrelevant news…
Speaking of horrible bosses, if the nation was polled on who they’d least like to work for, we imagine Robbie Savage would be right up there with Gregg Wallace and Post Office villain Paula Vennells.
So commiserations to staff at Forest Green Rovers.
The Welshman was appointed their gaffer this week, despite only having one year’s managerial experience with Macclesfield.
To be fair he did well there, winning the Northern Premier League by 26 points last season. But not everyone’s convinced by his credentials.
Least of all his predecessor as Macclesfield boss, Michael Clegg, who launched a scathing attack on Twitter after the club announced Robbie was leaving:
A massive day for Macc. They are now in a better position than ever… this club will fly now.
From office staff to players to maintenance men. There will be a party tonight. Trust me.
Admittedly, Clegg has more reason than most to dislike Savage.
In his previous role as sporting director at the Silkmen, Savage sacked Clegg as manager and appointed himself instead.
Which also explains this tweet:
CRICKET
🔥 Sticky wicket
Indian batsman Rishabh Pant is one of the hottest names in cricket at the moment, so you can’t blame him for firing out likes at Insta-hotties while his stock is high.
Unfortunately, most of those likes are being received by the operator of a Kazakh bot farm:
Who’s gonna tell him that Jessica Rabbit isn’t real either…
FALCONRY
🍆 OnlyJuans
Just when you think Juan Bernabé is dead and buried, the pesky eagle handler pops up again.
Last week, we told Gold Shotters that Lazio had finally managed to evict their one-time falconer from his flat at their training complex, after a six-month court battle.
Well now, in the least surprising news of 2025, Juan has responded by launching an OnlyFans account, which he announced with a typically unhinged video featuring his former boss, Lazio president Claudio Lotito.
In the name of journalism - and out of morbid curiosity - we were going to subscribe, but then we found out he charges $50-a-month.
Considering he was sacked by Lazio for posting free pictures of his wang online, that feels exorbitant…
FOOTBALL
💉 The drugs don’t work
In times gone by, the biggest names heading to Turkey in the summer transfer window were Jonjo Shelvey and Jay Bothroyd.
But we live in a world where Galatasaray can sign Victor Osimhen and Leroy Sane, and Jose Mourinho’s Fenerbahce can attract £66m man Jhon Duran.
And - according to Allan Saint-Maximin - cash isn’t the only thing sloshing around Fenerbahce.
The French winger, who was on loan at there last season, has alleged the club were so desperate to win the league last season, team doctors tried to “dope” him:
There are so many problematic things surrounding the club... If I have to give an example, things got to the point where they even tried to get me to dope there.
He later clarified:
When I was ill, I was practically given a treatment that is considered to be a doping product. I don’t know what the purpose of this team of doctors was.
💉 Quick hits
🧴 As loyal Shotters may remember, Rishabh Pant once starred in an incredible pimple cream advert with Virat Kohli.
🏀 San Antonio Spurs star Victor Wembanyama scored an absolute screamer of a free kick recently.
🃏 When he was at Newcastle, Allan Saint-Maximin invented his own card game called Helios, based on Greek mythology. He spent nine hours trying to teach the rules to a group of Geordies.
🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLY…
😴 Snore Weddings
Hugh Grant, having a little snooze on Centre Court.
That’s it for today.
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