FOOTBALL

🚽 Urine trouble

It’s every kid’s worst nightmare: you’re taking a last resort dump in the school bogs, when the cackling face of the class bully appears over the graffiti scrawled cubicle door clutching a camera.

And Man City midfielder Matheus Nunes suffered the mid twenties equivalent last month, when a bloke started snapping pictures of him by the urinals of a Madrid nightclub.

According to Spanish press, Nunes snatched the phone and refused to give it back - presumably sweating at the thought of his startled face being plastered over the walls of the Man City canteen.

Even local cops couldn’t convince him to return it, and they ended up hauling him back to the station in cuffs.

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FOOTBALL

🗞️ Like it or Lamp it

Celebrity gossip magazines are famed for spinning a story out of nothing. They’ll do a six page spread on Holly Willoughby’s choice of leggings, or Kerry Katona’s new vajazzle.

But even by those standards, Closer magazine was scraping the barrel with their scoop that Christine Lampard is “feeling torn over husband Frank’s possible career move”.

What move could that be? Hosting Celebrity Weakest Link? Flogging CBD gummies with Matt Le Tissier?

Actually, their “inside source” says Christine is worried Frank will be the next England manager.

Considering his last two stints in the dugout ended with almost getting Everton relegated, and racking up a 9% win rate at Chelsea, he’s more likely to steal her job on the Loose Women sofa…

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

💧 The golden Gos

There was a time when boarding a flight was the height of luxury. You’d settle into your velvet seat and light up a Gauloises cigarette while an elegant air hostess served you Veuve Cliquot from a silver tray.

These days, you’re happy if you arrive at your destination without contracting an airborne disease.

But spare a thought for the elderly lady who found herself squeezed into seat 18B beside the gigantic frame of former NFL star Gosder Cherilus.

According to police, shortly after the flight took off for Dublin, a “clearly intoxicated” Gosder “walked up to the elderly woman, exposed himself, and emptied his entire bladder for approximately 20 seconds."

Unsurprisingly, Gosder has deployed the trusty “sleeping pills” excuse, which got golfer Thorbjorn Olesen off the hook.

Back in 2021, the Danish star had an utter meltdown on a BA flight to Heathrow, grabbing a woman’s breast before bursting into tears and pissing on his own seat.

Starting to think those pills aren’t a good idea…

FOOTBALL

👬 All I want is consistency from the referees

The linesmen for Girona’s Champions League tie against Feyenoord were identical twins Marco and Benjamin Zurcher.

FOOTBALL

💌 Riise and fall

Before the days of celebrity dating apps and vapid Insta hotties DMing you nudes, footballers found love in more homespun ways.

David Seaman chatted up the Highbury receptionist, Gareth Southgate asked out a shop assistant, and Ashley Cole yelled “nice ass” at Cheryl when she walked past his house.

So imagine John Arne Riise’s glee in 2005, when he got hold of the phone numbers for 15 glamorous Norwegian celebrities.

Hedging his bets, the Liverpool left back fired out an identical text to all 15 of them:

Unfortunately for John, they were mates…

💉 Quick hits

👨‍🍳 Eric Cantona has launched a company selling package holidays to London, which include a cookery class from Emmanuel Petit.

🏟️ Cameroon FA chief Samuel Eto’o has been banned from attending matches for six months after “offensive behaviour” at the women’s U20 World Cup.

🧴 Wayne Rooney once paid £150,000 at a charity auction for a night out with P Diddy.

🎙️ During his Man United days, Andy Cole released a rap song called Outstanding. It doesn’t quite live up to the name, but it’s pretty catchy.

AND FINALLY

🏆 Well, I was watching the third round draw while your mother was in labour and…

Comedian Olaf Falafel rounded up a list of Americans who sound like Carabao Cup ties.

In case they’re too small to read:
• Burton Preston
• Lincoln Burnley
• Forrest Bromley
• Charlton Bradford
• Chelsea Fleetwood
• Lester Bolton

That's it for today. Thanks to JP