GOLF

⛳ Hold on Volodymyr, let me just sort Scottie Scheffler’s spot at the Riyadh Open and I’ll be with you

Volodymyr Zelenskyy could wait no longer. Nervously thumbing in the dialling code for Mar-a-Lago, the Ukrainian president waited to discover which way Caesar’s thumb would turn.

“I’m afraid President Trump is a little busy now”, replied the assistant, as magnums of Diet Coke popped in the background.

“No problem”, Zelenskyy replied, assuming the incoming president was busy thrashing out a deal with Ayatollah Khamenei or procuring a pack of rabid alsatians for the New Mexico border.

In fact, Trump had an even more pressing issue in his in tray: nailing down Ian Poulter’s spot at the 2025 Ryder Cup.

After learning about Trump’s election landslide, world number three Rory McIlroy announced his hope that Donald could finally bring peace to the one major conflict blighting our planet: PGA v LIV Golf.

"He might be able to… Trump has a great relationship with Saudi Arabia. He's got a great relationship with golf”, Rory explained.

To be fair, Donald does have a track record of getting results on the course by any means.

Samuel L Jackson once recalled the President sending the ball into a lake, only for it to reappear on the fairway, while a former caddy claims he saw Trump boot a rival’s ball into a bunker.

FOOTBALL

🐺 Wolf in Wolves clothing

When Trump’s done sorting out golf, perhaps he can help Wolves to their first win of the season…

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FOOTBALL

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 And bring me some more of them sardines when you’re done answering

Sure, Ruben Amorim rescued a club where the ultras literally whipped the players with belts, but he’s about to face a horde of even more bloodthirsty, territorial lunatics: the British media.

You probably saw the clip of Sky Sports hack Gary Cotterill addressing the new United gaffer like a flustered waiter in the Algarve, repeatedly demanding he answer questions in English.

When Amorim - who’s still Sporting Lisbon boss till next week - stuck to Portuguese, Gary told him it was “a cold shoulder to your English fans”.

It turns out this aggressive welcome for incoming Man United managers is something of a tradition for Gary.

Ahead of Erik Ten Hag’s arrival in the summer of 2022, he ambushed the baffled Dutchman in a carpark, clashing with his bodyguards and telling him it “doesn’t look good” when Erik refused to answer questions.

When United lost 4-0 to Brentford a few weeks later, he tweeted this…

CHESS

🚽 Snakes and bladders

The title “chess grandmaster” conjures images of post-Soviet meganerds hothoused in MENSA creches and forced to memorise the Fibonacci sequence to the 1000th number.

But not all of them use their powers for good: in recent years the board game sport has been rocked by a spate of cheating scandals, from vibrating anal beads to lacing opponent's pieces with mercury.

So it was a relief to see Ukrainian grandmaster Kirill Shevchenko attempt the kind of cack-handed plot you’d expect from a panicked GCSE maths student.

After becoming suspicious of the 22-year-old’s frequent mid-match trips to the bogs, officials discovered a phone hidden in the toilet cubicle, with a note attached:

Unfortunately for Kirill, the note was written in his handwriting, and he was booted out the tournament.

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SNOWBOARDING

❄️ White Wedding

As snowboarding hero Ryan Wedding hung up his garish Gore-Tex snowsuit after the 2002 Winter Olympic Games, the world was at his feet.

Surely Canada’s third best parallel giant slalom boarder would be inundated with lucrative ad deals for lurid energy drinks and THC-infused maple syrup.

Sadly for Ryan, things didn’t quite work out, and these days he’s dealing in much stronger substances than Monster Energy Ultra Paradise.

Wedding is on the run from the FBI, accused of running a violent international drug ring for the Sinaloa Cartel, smuggling tons of cocaine and ordering four gruesome murders.

It’s a serious rap sheet, but not everyone is treating it with the gravity it deserves.

The Feds have nicknamed the effort to catch him “Operation Giant Slalom”, and joked in a statement this week that Wedding is “guilty of an avalanche of crimes.”

💉 Quick hits

🏌️ Donald Trump’s golf buddies nicknamed him “Commander in cheat”.

🪙 When Roma fan Luciano d’Adamo woke up from his coma, his son joked that he owed him €5,000. He replied: “what’s a euro?”

💡 Before he was sacked, Erik Ten Hag told Man United he wanted to buy Danny Welbeck.

📱 Ronnie O’Sullivan and Jackie Chan have finally met in person after striking up a long-distance friendship over FaceTime.

🤝 Ex-Spurs midfielder Sandro has signed for seventh tier Harborough Town. He’s 35.

🥸 An Aussie Rules ref has been banned for dressing up as Osama Bin Laden at a party themed “characters from the 2000s”. Sadly no pics.

AND FINALLY

🗞️ Hold the front page

Forget Gary Cotterill, Ruben Amorim is facing an even more fearsome critic…

It was the top story on the Daily Star’s sports page on Wednesday.

That's it for today. Thanks to Angus and George.