A saucy minx
Clive Tyldesley's backseat bonk
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Good morning. There’ll be no Upshot Gold email on Monday as it’s a bank holiday.
💬 Quote of the day
"I’m really proud that I’ve not pissed the bed for 30 years.” - Huge congrats to Tony Adams, who’s now been sober for three decades.
FOOTBALL
🎟️ Nuthin’ but a Gi thang
Another week, another ridiculous news story about price gouging at the late capitalist hellscape that is this summer’s World Cup.
Multiple tickets for the final have now been listed on FIFA’s official resale site for more than $2 million, and if anyone is stupid enough to buy them, football’s not-for-profit governing body will trouser a 30% commission.
It’s fair to say this news hasn’t gone down well with fans, which might be why Gianni Infantino has made efforts to beef up his security in recent months.
The FIFA boss was in Vancouver this week, where his underlings tried to secure him a level-four motorcade escort from local police.
This level is typically reserved for the Pope or the US President, and it would have allowed Gianni’s convoy to run through red lights.
Unsurprisingly, the request was swiftly denied.
FOOTBALL
🎙️ Not for me, Clive
Earlier this month, Gary Neville paid more than £1 million for gobby Man United influencer Mark Goldbridge's YouTube channels.
It turns out weird analogies comparing Ruben Amorim’s United reign to a porn career are an absolute money-spinner, and the traditional broadcasters are taking note.
Like legendary commentator Clive Tyldesley, who appeared on the It’s There podcast this week and went on quite a strange tangent about illicit sex:
If you were to ask somebody, “What’s the best sex you ever had?”, the answer would probably involve…
The office print room, some bushes, or the backseat of a car with someone you shouldn’t have been with.
My question is, do you want all of your sex to be like that?
We never had Clive down as a saucy minx, but it sounds like he’s been around the block a few times…
TENNIS
🍲 Souper villain
Speaking of cheeky broadcasters, BBC Scotland’s Kheredine Idessane has landed himself in hot water this week.
The senior sports reporter - best known for charting the rise of Andy Murray - has been accused of pilfering soup and other items from the BBC canteen.
According to an insider at the corporation, he’s now under an internal investigation:
Staff at the canteen raised concerns that food appeared to have been taken on a number of occasions.
The food is out on display but sometimes there is no one at the till. When that happens, you are meant to go and find a member of staff.
Kheredine is being spoken to in connection with this.
First Huw Edwards, now this. Wouldn’t want to be Tim Davie’s successor.
FOOTBALL
🥱 LIV and let die
So the Saudis have sacked off LIV Golf, and there’s rumours they’re bored of Newcastle United too. How long til they tire of the Asian Champions League?
A pathetic 395 fans turned out for the semi final between Japan’s Machida Zelvia and UAE’s Shabab Al-Ahli in Jeddah last week.
To be fair, the final was still a sellout, meaning thousands of supporters were treated to this excellent set piece routine from Machida:
FOOTBALL
🦅 Juan of a kind
Back in December, Upshot Gold members voted Juan Bernabe runner up in our Sportsperson of the Year award.
So when we were planning our West End live show last weekend, we knew we had to have an appearance from the man himself.
Juan - Lazio’s former eagle handler who was sacked for posting pictures of his knob online - delivered this incredible video message alongside his bird:
I’m sending a big hug to all the Upshot fans, with my golden eagle Tizona.
To convey my strength and wish you all the best in your life. Never give up, be strong and be positive!
Mercifully, he remained fully clothed for this one.
💉 Quick hits
🩼 Spurs have had more ACL injuries (3) than Premier League home wins (2) this season.
🇧🇷 Jesse Lingard is currently playing for Corinthians.
🎤 Saudi boxing supremo Turki Alalshikh has threatened to pull the plug on Tyson Fury’s long-awaited fight with Anthony Joshua if Dua Lipa doesn’t perform at the event.
🏎️ Our latest pod on F1’s naughty nineties featured some wild stuff. It also mentioned the well-documented fact that Jaques Villeneuve is a boring fuck. And someone popped up in the comments to confirm it…
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AND FINALLY…
🥊 Whoever wins, we lose
Even by Misfits Boxing’s standards, this feels like jumping the shark…
That’s it for today.
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