FOOTBALL

🥳 Brooklyn nein nein

Everyone knows a birthday person. The overbearing type, that celebrates by booking an entire week off to do bottomless brunches at Giraffe in a ‘birthday girl’ sash and a novelty badge.

Well, it turns out David Beckham is one of them.

Becks threw five separate parties to mark his 50th last week, including a black-tie dinner at his Cotswolds mansion, a luxury trip to Paris, and an A-list bash at a Notting Hill restaurant.

The London do got shut down by the council at 3.35am - just as Tom Cruise was explaining engrams and the reactive mind to poor old Mel C.

But there was one guest notably absent from all five soirées: David’s eldest son Brooklyn.

Apparently he’s gone full Prince Harry, choosing not to attend because his brother is dating his ex, and his wife Nicola has fallen out with David and Victoria…

FOOTBALL

💸 When you’re done borrowing my Black and Decker, could you just transfer £2.3m?

If you do want to impress your father-in-law, the traditional approach is to clue up on the siege of Leningrad, choke down his home brew with minimal fuss, and then feign interest when he tells you which exit to take off the A3 on your way home.

But if you’re Scott McTominay, you can bypass all of that faff by wiring him £2.3m to fund his high-risk investment scheme.

That’s how much the Napoli star sent to Fortress Capital Partners, a now-collapsed firm run by his girlfriend Cam and her dad Ashley Reading.

Scott’s set to lose almost all of the money he put into the company, while Cam and Ashley face fraud allegations for possibly running a Ponzi scheme.

And McTominay’s not the only star who’s losing out.

Boyzone’s Shane Lynch handed over £700k to Fortress Capital. Not sure who he was trying to impress…

Dear Mindful Chef,

I have a complaint. You’ve ruined my enjoyment of going to restaurants. I now produce far more delicious dishes in as little as 15 minutes. I am doomed to sit at home and pig out on large platefuls of complete (and healthy) bliss.

My social life is suffering,

Yours Sadly,

Rob

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FOOTBALL

👮‍♂️ Make like a banana and Split

A handcuffed fan escaped from the police this week, after a clash between Dinamo Zagreb and Hajduk Split supporters in Croatia.

The chase was very Benny Hill - particularly when the pursuing officer had to stop for a breather halfway down the stairs…

GOLF

💩 Poodunit

Elite golfers are used to the finer things in life. So when a top caddie spotted some folded white cotton in the players-only toilet at the RBC Heritage, he was probably expecting a eucalyptus-scented towel he could dab his sweaty brow with.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be a shit-stained pair of boxers, hastily discarded by SOMEONE on the PGA tour.

That’s according to American golfer Michael Kim, who shared this story on Twitter:

As a witch hunt ensued, suspicions quickly turned to an unnamed player, who has a multimillion-dollar endorsement with the same brand of underwear found in the loo.

But apparently that player was somehow able to prove his innocence.

So no harm in pointing out that Rickie Fowler has been an ambassador for 2UNDR since 2019…

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FOOTBALL

🚢 But Ian Brightwell can’t believe in shape-shifting lizards? He’s made of tinfoil sir. I assure you he can. And he will.

In an age when washed up footballers are peddling CBD snake oil and propaganda about pizza-based paedo rings, it’s refreshing to see some legends of the game sticking to good, old-fashioned conspiracy theories.

Like former Man City defender Ian Brightwell, who can’t quite shake the feeling there was something fishy about the Titanic.

According to the excellent Dispatch newsletter, Ian is now a proud David Icke follower, and spent Easter weekend at a conference sharing his views with fellow disciples.

Ian’s favourite theory? Titanic owner JP Morgan cancelled his ticket at the last minute and arranged for the ship to sink, in order to kill the three rival billionaires onboard.

And did you know no one with an Apple Mac died on 9/11?

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AND FINALLY…

🐟 Carp diem

British angler David Knock set a new record this week, by reeling in a 105.4lb carp. That’s 47.8kg, or just under 8 stone.