FOOTBALL

🥸 Taking the Mik

Tales of Mikel Arteta’s madcap motivational methods are spilling out of the Arsenal dressing room so often we’re starting to wonder if the players are taking the piss.

In August, the Gunners boss hired a troupe of pickpockets to rob his players during a team meal to teach them to “stay alert”.

And this week Oleksandr Zinchenko revealed the gaffer’s latest trick: handing each player a bowl, knife and lemon, and commanding them to squeeze the juice.

“In the end, we will add all of it in a bowl and see how much we can achieve together. The juice is our team magic,” Mikel explained like a psyched up activity leader at PGL Osmington Bay.

Zinchenko also recalled how Mikel recently hired a football freestyler, who disguised himself as a waiter and challenged him to a skills contest during a team breakfast.

“You realise how much work must have gone into that behind the scenes” Zinchenko shrugged. "That guy was there for at least three hours undercover, serving up coffee and cakes”.

If it doesn’t work out for him at Arsenal, Mikel’s a shoe in for motivational speaker at the Milton Keynes Business Brainstorm conference…

FOOTBALL

🦜 Whistle blower

“For seven decades the presidents of the referees have been ex-Madrid members, ex-players or ex-managers,” said Barcelona chief Joan Laporta in April, as he fought allegations of bribing a referee.

Everybody laughed at the time, but maybe Joan has a point.

This week the unhinged Spanish football show El Chiringuito invited former La Liga referee Pajares Paz to join a Zoom call live on air.

But the chat was interrupted by the sound of whistling coming from Pajares’ home, leading the former ref to furiously shush someone off-screen.

As the noise continued, Paz eventually owned up: his pet parrot was whistling a popular Real Madrid anthem.

He claimed he taught his bird the song after meeting another La Liga referee whose parrot replied “bastards” any time it heard the word “Barcelona”.

Your New Favorite Boot

These boots show up ready to deliver over-the-top comfort on day one without any break-in period. Try them on the job for up to 30 days. If you're not satisfied, return them, no questions asked.

Discover BRUNT Now

FOOTBALL

👶 Check Maitê

Vinicius Jr. banged in a Champions League hat trick for Real Madrid this week, but spare a thought for his less celebrated namesake Vinicius Tobias.

The agricultural right back spent two years on loan at Real Madrid B from Shakhtar Donetsk, but never made the grade for the first team and was sent back to his parent club this summer.

But on the plus side, Tobias’ girlfriend Ingrid just gave birth to a baby girl.

After repainting the spare bedroom pink and stocking the basement with baby formula, Vini decided to commemorate the proud moment by getting the baby’s name - Maitê - tattooed on his arm.

As the chuffed defender burst through the front door with his arm wrapped in cling film, his girlfriend admitted it was proooobably a good idea if they did a paternity test.

And yeah, he’s not the dad…

SWIMMING

🦶 And you’re sure Juan Carlos Herken Krauer did this too?

Back in August, Olympic swimmer Luana Alonso was dreaming of etching her name into the pantheon of Paraguayan national heroes, alongside the likes of Juan Carlos Herken Krauer and Marshal Francisco Solano López Carrillo.

But a few months is a long time in the cut throat world of swimming.

You might recall, it didn’t quite work out for Luana in Paris: her times were bang average, she was knocked out in the heats, and then announced her retirement from swimming aged 20.

Luana stuck around the Olympic village for a few days, blasting out TikToks until she was sent home by blazers who decided “her presence is creating an inappropriate atmosphere within Team Paraguay.”

Since then, Luana has racked up an impressive 1.2m Instagram followers, who flock to her for her bikini thirst traps tips on their backstroke.

And following the hallowed path of the “world’s sexiest spear fisher”, she’s launched an OnlyFans. And if that’s not enough, a company is offering to flog silicon replicas of her feet to horny incels.

Pretty sure Juan Carlos Herken Krauer also spent a 6 hours in a windowless studio on the outskirts of Asuncion with his feet in a bucket of plaster of Paris…

BASKETBALL

📎 No, DeAndre, it doesn’t have Tinder, but it does have the new Office 365 suite, complete with enhanced device security and data-encryption

As rumours circulate of the Saudis flogging Newcastle to snap up Liverpool, the Magpies squad are facing the prospect of swapping private jet flights for 9 hour coach trips.

Still, it could be worse. When former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer bought the LA Clippers ten years ago, he banned the team from using Apple products.

The courtside iPads were first to go - Steve shipped in some Surface Pro tablets and ordered the coaches to make Bing their search engine of choice.

He then asked the disgusted players to give up their iPhones, swapping Tinder and YouTube for playing Snake II on Microsoft’s ill-fated Lumia 640 XL phone.

The players eventually got their iPhones back, presumably because they grew sick of Clippy the paperclip asking: “It looks like you’re trying to DM an insta-hottie, can I help?”

💉 Quick hits

🍕 Jose Mourinho is living in an Istanbul hotel where he orders the same food every night: chicken soup, margherita pizza, ice cream and sparkling water.

🎾 Former Man United striker Diego Forlan made his ATP tennis tour debut this week at the age of 45.

💸 Oleksandr Zinchenko claims Man City kept him on academy wages till 2019, even after he helped them win two Premier League titles.

🎤 Rapper A$AP Rocky is considering a bid for Tranmere Rovers.

🧄 Old Trafford stinks of garlic because the ground staff spray it on the pitch to deter pests.

🏆 Leo Messi was beaten to the MLS golden boot by Christian Benteke.

AND FINALLY

📚 Imaginative geezer

Hardest Geezer has got a book out, and this is the contents page.

That's it for today. Thanks to Essam.