🎤 Cat murder cover-ups and threesomes with Ashley Cole

You’ve heard the rumours, and now it’s official: The Upshot podcast is here.

Each week we delve into the biggest scandals in sport: drunken antics, sordid secrets and everything else BBC Sport won’t touch with a bargepole.

Our first episode uncovers the scandalous saga of Jermaine Pennant, the ex-Arsenal and Liverpool bad boy whose track record of boozing, law-breaking and shagging would make Maradona’s eyes water.

From threesomes with Ashley Cole to cat murder cover-ups, join Jack and Zach from The Upshot, and Mickey Down (co-creator of HBO series Industry) to spill the story of a winger who put the naughty in the noughties.

And there might even be some football in there too…

You can listen to the first episode by hitting the button below:

Hit subscribe for a new episode every Wednesday, covering the biggest characters and controversies in sport: from Shane Warne’s shagging to Chelsea’s season from hell.

EXCLUSIVE

🎤 I can see it in his eyes that he’s got a nasty plan

After a self-indulgent Glastonbury set, the public agreed on one thing: the Arctic Monkeys have turned into right wankers.

But a few cancelled gigs and Elvis impersonations are nothing compared to the band’s antics at Arsenal’s Emirates stadium last month.

After playing three nights at the Gunners’ ground, the Arctics were joined by support act The Hives for a massive sesh in their makeshift green room.

So how do you think Alex Turner’s band thanked Arsenal for hosting them? They got thuggishly drunk and ended up pissing all over the furniture.

Sources at the Emirates tell us the sofas, chairs and tables were a complete write-off and the club are “furious”.

FOOTBALL

😑 Look Sandro, brown ale, we didn’t have that in Milan did we?

Local lad Sandro Tonali always dreamed of spending his entire career at AC Milan, but when Newcastle came knocking with a massive £55 million offer, the Italian giants couldn’t say no.

According to local press, the midfielder “burst into tears” at the news, but grudgingly agreed to swap Italy’s fashion capital for a city which sells the most Greggs steak bakes in Britain.

In a video of his arrival on a gloomy Tyneside, Tonali looked like an 11-year-old who was being packed off to boarding school so his parents can move to Majorca.

While Sandro sulked, it was down to his girlfriend Juliette Pastore to valiantly feign enthusiasm.

During a tour of the training ground, Juliette gasped with excitement at the canteen, but Tonali just stared blankly out the window at the grey sky.

In another scene, she tried to find some positives, pointing out: "the gym wasn't as big in Milan", before Sandro hissed back: "It was bigger."

Hopefully Juliette will still be around in January to marvel at the biting North Sea winds and 4 hours of daylight.

FOOTBALL

👨‍🏫 Board approval

Mauricio Pochettino has barely got his lemons on the desk at Chelsea, and already owner Todd Boehly’s madcap ideas are seeping into his subconscious.

Posing for a photo with total wrong’un club legend John Terry, Poch accidentally revealed his tactics board for next season.

Outdoing Boehly’s infamous 4-4-3 formation, it showed at least 14 outfield players, including departed stars N’golo Kante, Kalidou Koulibaly and Mason Mount.

Poch also announced he’s happy for the club’s clueless chairman to continue his habit of visiting the dressing room.

Although he might regret that. Last season Boehly rocked up at half-time of a tense derby with West Ham to demand Thomas Tuchel gave his friends - a group of American tourists and their kids - a tour of the dressing room.

In case you’re wondering, he said no.

BASKETBALL

🖋️ Next time just get me some flowers

After dating for three months, you might be ready to meet the parents, post a smug couple’s selfie to Instagram, or if you’re lucky, get away with farting in bed.

But if you’re Dennis Rodman, you mark the minor milestone by getting your girlfriend’s face tattooed on your cheek.

The current Mrs Rodman is a 31-year-old “rapper and model” who goes by the name of Yella Yella, so you’d think she’d be used to blokes with face tattoos.

But even she sounded a little freaked out, telling the press: “I actually told him not to do it”.