FOOTBALL

👑 Unfriend it like Beckham

We often say the Beckhams are like Britain’s second royal family. And since David got his knighthood, the comparison seems more appropriate with each passing day.

Clan Beckham even have their own Prince Harry figure in eldest son Brooklyn, who spent Christmas in the US with his in-laws amidst a feud with the rest of the family.

According to Cruz, Brooklyn blocked all of them on Instagram, including Victoria and his 14-year-old sister Harper.

And the similarities with the Mountbatten-Windsors don’t end there.

Last month, it emerged David was mentioned in the Epstein files nine times.

That obviously doesn’t indicate any wrongdoing, and it’s more than likely his name was just mentioned in passing, along with the likes of Elton John and Adele.

If only Andrew had that excuse…

FOOTBALL

🦇 You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself struggling in the Saudi Pro League

One man who miraculously avoided mention in the Epstein files is Neymar, although that’s probably because he already has his own private island.

And an islet lair isn’t the Brazilian’s only super villain acquisition of late. This week, Ney splashed £50m on a private jet, a helicopter and a full-sized replica Batmobile.

The Batmobile isn’t road legal, but that didn’t stop Neymar telling his followers that his “dreams” had “come true”.

If Ney has further dreams of becoming a Bruce Wayne-style crime fighter, he probably has the time and vast wealth needed to achieve them.

Although if São Paulo criminals needed to escape his vigilante justice, they could simply wait until his sister’s birthday and act out their evil plans then.

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CRICKET

🎙️ The batsman’s Willey, the bowler’s Holding

So England’s Ashes humiliation is finally over, capped off by the revelation that, ahead of the series, vice captain Harry Brook was punched by a bouncer the night before an ODI in Wellington.

In fact, the only thing worse than England’s performance in this series was the cut-price coverage from TNT Sports.

Bigwigs at the channel decided to use pundits best known for rugby and cycling, who repeatedly failed to mention key pieces of the action.

They also refused to fly them out to Australia to save cash, resulting in a series of blunders from the commentators who were sleep-starved and watching from the UK.

This week, one pundit confused a replay with live action, wrongly telling viewers that Ben Stokes had been run out.

Still, could have been worse. They could have brought back Jake Humphrey.

SKI JUMPING

💉 Lance Armschlong

Speaking of high performance, we could cope with Arsène Wenger banning Mars bars. We could even cope with Dave Brailsford wittering on about the importance of slightly sleeker bicycle seats.

But if allegations from the world of Olympic ski jumping are to be believed, the pursuit of marginal gains has officially gone too far.

The sport is currently being rocked by a "penis-gate" scandal, with athletes accused of injecting hyaluronic acid into their genitals in order to increase their chance of winning.

How?

Well, ski jumping suits are regulated to within millimetres and must exactly match their owners’ bodies, because suit surface area has a huge effect on performance.

These measurements happen with a 3D scanner before each season, and if the jumper temporarily has a big penis, he’ll get a looser suit for the jump, meaning better floating and stability.

The good news? You’ve got a bronze medal at the Milano Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics. The bad news? Your wang is just below Sarson's Malt Vinegar on the pH scale.

FOOTBALL

🤕 And about that signing on bonus…

It’s been a big week for stars falling out with sporting directors. Just ask Enzo Maresca, Ruben Amorim or new Guayaquil City signing Kitu Díaz.

Although Díaz managed to skip the customary 18 months of slowly building acrimony by booting the ball straight at his new boss during his unveiling.

💉 Quick hits

👴🏻 Since the 2002-03 season, 867 players have made 100+ Premier League appearances. James Milner has played with or against all of them apart from Brentford’s Nathan Collins.

🟥 Chelsea have now received more than twice as many red cards in the Premier League as any other team this season.

🏏 Jacob Bethell faced more balls on Tuesday (232) than Ben Duckett faced in the entire Ashes series (221).

💉 Ex-Team GB sprinter Reece Prescod has signed up for the Enhanced Games.

🍀 Ronnie O'Sullivan has been warming up for the Masters by practising in an Irish pub.

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AND FINALLY…

🃏 Easy as Abd

21-year-old Hajar Abdelkader somehow won a wildcard into a professional ITF tournament in Nairobi. No one is quite sure how.

She lost 6-0, 6-0, double faulted on 20 of her 24 service points, and needed several reminders from the umpire on where to stand throughout the game.