FOOTBALL

😱 I have a Scream

Sure, pinching the French crown jewels from the Louvre is pretty sweet, but a gaudy tiara is small potatoes next to one of the world’s most famous paintings.

Despite being a handy midfielder for Oslo giants Vålerenga, Pål Enger became obsessed with Edvard Munch’s The Scream, and in 1988 he decided to break into a museum and nick it.

He accidentally nabbed the wrong Munch masterpiece, but stashed it in the attic of his bar anyway, before inviting unsuspecting cops to drink with the painting sitting just a metre above their heads.

Eventually he was caught and sentenced to three years in prison - plenty of time to plot attempt number two.

This time, Enger paid a homeless man to climb into the gallery and make off with The Scream itself.

He even left a postcard saying “thanks for the poor security.” Sadly, he was caught once again, and sentenced to six and a half years in prison…

HURLING

🔋 Bad Apple

Speaking of brazen, our old friend DJ Carey was due in court this week.

The Kilkenny hurling legend had already pleaded guilty to ten counts of deception, after scamming his pals out of £400k by sticking an iPhone cable up his nose and pretending to have cancer.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t make this week’s hearing because… he was in hospital.

Carey’s solicitor has insisted that while the hurler did fake having an incurable brain tumour, this illness is in fact “genuine”.

Our thoughts are with DJ, and we hope his case is resolved swiftly when he’s fully charged recovered.

FOOTBALL

🎟️ Token gesture

We told you a couple of weeks ago about FIFA’s absolute shakedown of a ticket system for next year’s World Cup. But it turns out there’s more…

A few years ago, FIFA tried to jump on the NFT craze by flogging extortionate JPEGs of iconic World Cup moments, like Pelé lifting the trophy and Maradona’s hand of God.

Unsurprisingly, these tanked, so Infantino and his cronies quietly repackaged them as “Right to Buy” tokens which would one day give their owner a chance to purchase an actual ticket for the 2026 tournament.

Cut forward to this month, and FIFA have just announced these tokens only make you eligible to buy the outrageously expensive Category 1 or 2 tickets (starting at $430 for Cape Verde v Uzbekistan).

What’s more, the top tier “Right to Final” tokens - which some chumps paid $999 for - can only be used if the owner’s chosen team actually makes it to the final.

FIFA are now facing a criminal complaint over the tokens.

FOOTBALL

🐧 Pfeathers McGraw

It may be early in the season, but Aberdeen are languishing near the bottom of the Scottish Premiership and the Europa Conference League.

What they need is a firm, reliable hand on the tiller, which might be why they’ve just hired a sporting director who once stole a penguin and spent 101 days in a Singapore prison. Welcome to Scotland, Lutz Pfannenstiel!

In his playing days, German keeper Lutz starred for 25 different clubs in 13 countries, and became the first professional to play in all six of Fifa's confederations.

Presumably, he was also the first to kidnap a big flightless seabird, something he did while playing for Otago United in New Zealand.

He pinched the penguin from a wildlife colony in 2004, and kept it in his bathtub for two days until the club president warned him he could be deported.

As for the jail stint, that happened in 2001, after Lutz was accused of match-fixing.

Maybe new Celtic boss Martin O'Neill will pay him a visit in Scotland. Apparently he’s a big true crime buff…

BASKETBALL

🎨 Hair today, gone tomorrow

Boston Celtics star Jaylen Brown shimmied past a New York Knicks player this week. Unfortunately, he rubbed his fake hairline off on the player’s jersey in the process.

Still, not as egregious as the time Chicago Bulls’ Carlos Boozer touched up his barnet…

💉 Quick hits

😱 When Pål Enger died last year, they draped his coffin in a picture of The Scream.

💉 Triathlete Imogen Simmonds has been cleared of doping after she blamed a positive test on “sexual contamination”.

🎪 Ruben Amorim and Diogo Dalot are distant cousins. They’re both descendants of a celebrated 19th century circus artist.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🚀 I, Bombya

Chinese ice dancers Ren Junfei and Xing Jianing are being investigated after holding up a toy DF-61 ballistic missile at a figure skating event.

The DF-61 is a new missile capable of carrying nuclear weapons, which was unveiled at a military parade last month.

The International Skating Union called it “inappropriate”…