There is no Upshot on Monday as it is a bank holiday.

FOOTBALL

🎸 Alright lads, this week’s team talk is from the crew at Pleasuredrome Sauna

As Arsenal prepare to have their dreams crushed by Man City in Sunday’s six pointer, Mikel Arteta does have one secret weapon: club musician Louis Dunford.

Louis’ anthem North London Forever is belted out by fans before every game at the Emirates and Arteta likes it so much he plays it in team meetings.

Although the Islington Louis describes might be a little lost on the likes of Martin Ødegaard and Takehiro Tomiyasu…

If Arsenal do win the league, Louis’ got the perfect party track for the celebration bash: Regretamine, an ode to the time he accidentally took ketamine, thinking it was cocaine:

FOOTBALL

🤳 Owen goal

A tedious international break was brightened by the touching scenes at Anfield, where Sven-Goran Eriksson finally realised his dream of managing Liverpool, taking the reins for a legends game against Ajax.

And there was one more treat for the former England gaffer - who is terminally ill - as Channel 4 put together a montage of goodwill messages from his former England stars.

Joe Cole poignantly recalled toasting his first England goal with Sven, while a teary Owen Hargreaves thanked the loveable Swede for “believing in me when a lot of people didn’t.”

Paul Scholes slightly misread the brief as he wished Sven “all the best with your recovery”, but it was left to Michael Owen to completely suck the vibe out of proceedings.

With all the enthusiasm of a washed up celeb doing his 26th Cameo birthday wish of the day, Owen said:

BROOKLYN

🍿 On the chopping block

Brooklyn Beckham might have the IQ of lichen, but he’s only 25 and he’s already on his fourth career.

Having mastered modelling, photography and cooking, Brooklyn was all set to make his big screen debut, landing a speaking part in his wife Nicola’s directorial debut.

Unfortunately it didn’t go too well, and Nicole revealed this week that she had to cut her husband’s cameo from the movie:

Still, he does make a mean bacon and egg sarnie…

FOOTBALL

😈 Come Kendry, let me teach you about life

After an easy win over Guatemala in New York, Ecuador manager Felix Sanchez treated his squad to a rare afternoon off to explore the Big Apple.

While the culture vulture physio hit the Guggenheim Museum and Sanchez’s coaching team washed down pretzels with electric blue slushies in Central Park, the players delved into a different side of American culture.

They dragged 16-year-old winger Kendry Paez to a seedy strip joint in downtown Manhattan, where they showered strippers with dollar bills.

In a raucous video, the Chelsea wonderkid watches on as defender Robert Arboleda spanks asses and makes it rain with bank notes.

Their afternoon entertainment complete, the players were tucked up in bed by 8.30pm, but Ecuador’s FA was still furious when they saw the clip, and they’re now threatening to drop the players involved.

Robert Arboleda was unapologetic, writing on Instagram: “From now on on my free days I will just start reading the Bible because one can't even have fun ohhhhhhhhh I promise.”

FOOTBALL

🗳️ Tern the screw

This time last year, we introduced you to Stefano Bandecchi, president of Italian Serie B side Ternana.

The “multi-faceted right wing entrepreneur” endured an eventful afternoon last March that began with him handing out gifts to disabled children, and ended with him gobbing in the faces of his own supporters.

After the game, Bandecchi admitted “It is true I spat at the fans, but they spat at me first," before telling them: “You don’t deserve shit. Connect your brain or stop fucking with me”, threatening to knock down the stadium, and resigning.

But the good people of Terni are a forgiving sort, and two months later they elected Stefano as mayor.

That ended exactly as you’d imagine when Bandecchi was dragged out of a council meeting by police, after attacking rival councillors and threatening to knock out their teeth.

But like the great Silvio Berlusconi before him, Stefano lived to fight another day, and he channeled the spirit of the perma-tanned old sleazebag at a recent council meeting.

During a debate on women’s safety, Bandecchi stood up and pronounced: "Anyone who has never cheated on their girlfriend is not normal".

He’ll be president in no time…

💉 Quick hits

🛋️ Louis Dunford’s mum is Linda Robson from Birds of a Feather and Loose Women.

⛪ Christian Horner’s neighbours have branded him “disrespectful” for planning to build a swimming pool in his garden beside a 13th century churchyard.

🏆 Ainsley Harriott is in a fantasy football league with Ant, Dec and Lee Mack.

💩 Rowers in the Oxford-Cambridge boat race have been warned not to jump into the Thames because it’s riddled with toxic sewage.

🛏️ Longstanding Shotter Kevin Prescott slept rough on Monday night, raising money to fight homelessness. He’s perilously close to his fundraising target - help him over the line by donating here.

AND FINALLY

🤦‍♂️ Putter fingers

He’s got a handicap of 8, but NFL legend Tom Brady still mangled his tee shot in a $20 million tournament.

That's it for today. Thanks to Steve.