FOOTBALL

🤦‍♂️ 13 reasons why

It’s easy to mock Todd Boehly for his private equity dress sense, billion dollar transfer habit and relentless gaffes.

But the Chelsea chairman is still a successful businessman. When it comes to cutting a deal, Todd is a wily fox... right?

Not according to an agent who dealt with Boehly last summer, when Chelsea hijacked the £12m transfer of a Brazilian youngster by swooping in with a last-minute £14m bid.

As they shook hands, the agent asked Todd why he hadn’t just offered £13m.

“Because it’s bad luck,” the Chelsea owner replied.

Wouldn’t want any of that!

EXCLUSIVE

👔 He works here, I Promes

Last time we checked in on Quincy Promes, the Dutch forward was banged up in Dubai’s infamous Al-Anweer prison after a hit and run incident on a pre-season tour.

Spartak Moscow ripped up his contract, and he was facing extradition to the Netherlands, where he’d already been convicted for cocaine smuggling and stabbing his cousin in the leg.

So it was a bit of a shock when Quincy was spotted ghosting past a bunch of oil traders with sciatica during a corporate 7-a-side tournament this week.

The former Netherlands striker finished top scorer for iSpace - a Dubai-based office rental firm - as his supposed employers won the tournament and £2,000 prize money.

It turns out he’s on bail in Dubai while he fights his extradition, and if you need 400 sq foot of air-conditioned workspace in the meantime, Quincy’s your man.

FOOTBALL

🎤 Crooney

As the regulars picked the sawdust out their scrumpy and winced through Eugene’s karaoke rendition of Mustang Sally, it seemed like a typical night at Plymouth’s Cider Press Bar.

But that all changed when a familiar face staggered in with a belly full of Korma and Cobra. It was Wayne Rooney.

The Plymouth gaffer hopped up on stage and belted out five songs for the astonished punters, briefly distracting them from his winless start in the league.

“Make some fucking noise baby”, Wayne yelled at the tipsy pensioners, not for the first time in his life.

Two days later, Plymouth lost to Stoke.

TENNIS

🏆 Sin the bag

Jack Draper is so close to emulating Emma Radacanu’s US Open fairytale, the British number one can almost feel Anna Wintour’s claws sinking into his arse cheeks.

There’s just the small matter of tonight’s semi-final against world number one Jannik Sinner, a man with more than a booming forehand in his locker.

The Italian narrowly avoided a drugs ban last week after persuading the ATP blazers that he absorbed anabolic steroids from a masseur who had cut his finger and treated the wound with a special spray.

We believe him, although the same ATP once covered up Andre Agassi’s failed test because he told them his assistant had spiked his Sprite. With crystal meth.

ATHLETICS

🏃 Pole position

We all went to school with someone like Olympic hero Mondo Duplantis: handsome, charming and irritatingly brilliant at anything he tries.

He probably only took up pole vault because he got bored of doing backflips and fingering girls in the year above.

And for his latest trick, Mondo took on Olympic 400m hurdles silver medallist Karsten Warholm in a 100m sprint.

Plenty doubted him, including track legend Michael Johnson, but Mondo won in 10.37 seconds.

Although it’s not the most impressive clip of a pole vaulter this week…

💉 Quick hits

💑 Rumour of the week: Emma Radacanu is going out with world number one Carlos Alcaraz.

🎤 Wayne Rooney sang Why Does It Always Rain On Me by Travis at his wife’s 18th birthday party.

🤦‍♂️ Norway’s anti-doping agency tried to test two footballers who have been dead for more than 41 years.

📸 Romeo Beckham is quitting football to focus on his fashion career.

📈 Among the 20 nominees for the Balon d’Or: Premier League rejects Ademola Lookman and Granit Xhaka.

💸 18 League One teams broke their transfer records this summer, including Birmingham who outspent Man City and splurged £15m on Jay Stansfield.

AND FINALLY

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Once more unto the Nations League, dear friends, once more

The Ben White mystery continues - the permatanned Arsenal right back has turned down a spot in Lee Carsley’s first England squad.

Whatever his reasons, it won’t go down well with Ian Wright…

That's it for today. Thanks to Luke, Simon, David and Kev.