FOOTBALL

🤡 Tears of a clown

Red-nosed. Stocky. Adored by generations of young Brits. Wayne Rooney and Mr. Tumble are like two peas in a thickset pod.

So it was a little surprising to hear Wazza laying into the CBeebies clown on the latest episode of his podcast:

Rooney clarified he’d had to sit through the Mr. Tumble Show for years on end, because all four of his sons were obsessed with it while growing up.

And to be fair, we can see how it could get grating.

Unfortunately for Wazza, there could be an awkward reunion on the cards: Mr Tumble records next door to Match of the Day at BBC Studios.

If he ever falls victim to a whoopee cushion or a custard pie to the face, we know who to suspect…

FOOTBALL

👮🏽‍♂️ Today I feel like a beefy construction worker

At 5pm GMT this evening, all eyes will be on the Kennedy Center in Washington DC, for the most eagerly-awaited draw in world football.

That’s right, today’s the day we finally find out Donald Trump who has won the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize. Oh, and there’s also a World Cup draw or something.

But before all of that, the event will feature performances from Robbie Williams, Andrea Bocelli and, er, the Village People.

That might sound like a weird line up, until you remember YMCA is one of Donald Trump’s favourite songs, and he often blares it out at MAGA events.

Again, it might sound strange that the ultra-conservative president of the United States would co-opt a gay disco anthem as his unofficial theme tune. But YMCA is NOT a gay song.

That’s according to its co-writer Victor Willis, who is both an avid Trump supporter and the Village People’s leather-clad cop.

He was so sick of people referring to his hit as a gay anthem, he issued a statement on Facebook last year, reminding everyone it was in fact entirely heterosexual:

In any case, we look forward to tonight’s performance. To get in the mood, here’s a picture of Victor and the gang in their ‘70s pomp:

FOOTBALL

🤑 Valu-Marc

We’ve spoken before about ex-Ajax director Marc Overmars, who was sacked by the club after peppering his colleagues with dick pics, earning him the nickname “Dirty Uncle Marc”.

So when a new book was published promising inside stories from his tenure, we were expecting some sordid details.

We shared those grubby scoops with Upshot Gold members, but there was some less sleazy stuff in the book too.

It turns out Marc was also notorious at Ajax for being stingy. He was so tight, he’d walk around the hospitality box after games, minesweeping discarded canapés.

Once he’d collected enough stale bitterballen, he’d arrange them on a plate and serve them to his unsuspecting guests, as if he’d just paid full price at the bar.

Martin Lewis eat your heart out.

FOOTBALL

❄️ Line coach

Overmars isn’t the only coach sending wildly inappropriate messages on Whatsapp.

A children’s football team in Belfast has sacked one of their coaches, after he shared a “cocaine menu” in a youth league group chat:

As well as featuring prices, the menu had a list of meet-up points and a warning that “time wasters will be blocked”.

In the sender’s defence, the group chat didn’t actually contain any kids.

Which is just as well. With their indiscretion and lack of disposable income, kids are notorious time wasters.

FOOTBALL

🏴‍☠️ Bald middle-aged man in your area wants to connect

Until recently, the biggest risk involved in illegally streaming a football match was accidentally falling in love with a horny milf in your area.

But now there’s a new foe in town: La Liga president Javier Tebas.

Tebas is so obsessed with clamping down on piracy, he spends hours and hours in front of his computer every night, watching IP addresses and personally infiltrating Telegram groups of illegal streamers.

Last year he publicly accused Viní Júnior of using a “dodgy stick” after he posted a video of himself watching Real Madrid match while in Brazil.

Why does piracy bother Javier so much?

So there’s your options: Avoid three o'clock kick-offs or intern yourself in a Pyongyang labour camp.

💉 Quick hits

🪙 India have now lost the toss in 20 consecutive One Day Internationals. The probability of that happening is 1 in 1,048,576.

🧞 Dan Burn is voicing the genie in this year’s Blyth panto.

📉 After losing to Nottingham Forest on Wednesday, Wolves have the joint-worst record in Premier League history after 14 games.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

📝 Take note

Hertha Berlin forward Dawid Kownacki steals a note from Kaiserslautern’s Marlon Ritter, despite the fact his side are 6-1 up with four minutes to play.