BOXING

🌞 Raya sunshine

David Haye once compared his sexual appetite to a lion that’s going to “bang you and eat you”, so his online dating profile was never going to be littered with Shakespeare sonnets and pictures of him cradling puppies.

The retired world champ and his girlfriend Sian have turned to dating app Raya to fill the rotating slot in their three way relationship.

As David’s profile explains, he’s on the hunt for “likeminded hotties”.

Although it looks like the rest of his bio was penned by a spiteful ex…

Form an orderly queue!

FOOTBALL

🏚️ Ard knock life

Arda Turan’s time at Barcelona won’t live long in the memory of many fans, but four years on from his underwhelming stint, it turns out Arda left his mark on the Catalan capital after all.

The Turkish midfielder’s former landlord is suing him for €230,000 worth of damage caused during wild parties at his luxury villa.

According to the house’s owner, Arda’s guests caused cigarette burns in furniture, “torn pieces of wall”, and even felled a tree in the garden.

They apparently threw “ten or fifteen” €1000 TV remotes into the pool, and when Arda was away his mates “ripped the tracks out of the ceiling while trying to use the living room curtains as a sex swing.”

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BASEBALL

🥸 Booney tunes

After receiving a final warning for mouthing off at the ref, New York Yankees coach Aaron Boone decided to keep schtum.

But when a fan behind the dugout launched another foul-mouthed tirade, the ref thought it was Boone and sent him off.

Here’s the reverse angle - watch the bloke in blue.

FOOTBALL

✊ Villas la revolution

It’s hard to think of a club more entwined in the murky world of global capitalism than Chelsea. They’re owned by an American hedge fund, bossed by a clueless billionaire, and weasel out of financial pickles by selling hotels to themselves.

But it could have been so different if freewheeling revolutionary Andre Villas Boas had his way.

Back in 2011, the new Chelsea boss chose a pre-season flight to Hong Kong to kick off his Marxist revolution, telling his squad “everyone's the same” and that youth and first team players would share the first class seats, with some of the club’s biggest stars sitting in cattle class.

But as John Terry squeezed into his economy seat between a wailing toddler and an obese bloke with a bag of Doritos, Andre’s utopia began to crumble.

Terry recalled this week: “So I'm going, 'No no, we're not going anywhere until these young players go back in economy and the first team players that have built this club to where we are today go back in first’”.

After an ideological showdown in the aisle, Villas Boas bowed to the old elite and shunted Terry back to first class.

"Because I promise you” JT explained, “the plane would have gone without myself, Frank and Didier."

Villas Boas was executed by firing squad sacked within a year…

FOOTBALL

💩 Man Shitty

These days, the wildest prank you’d see in the Man City dressing room is some youth teamer flashing a bum cheek on Jack Grealish’s TikTok, or offering Pep a jar of Kevin de Bruyne’s Brylcreem.

Not like the halcyon days of workplace bullying…

On a podcast this week, former City defender Micah Richards recalled the time one of his teammates shat in a carrier bag and hid it in his car.

“I kept taking my car to the car wash and basically there was something not right” he explained. “My car is stinking and I cannot find where it’s coming from.

“So one day I got a flat tyre, and I think I can do everything, so I change the tyre. I pulled the flap up that has all your tools in it. Underneath the tools this poo had turned grey.”

AND FINALLY

🕰️ Out of Range

Excellent bit of time wasting from this QPR fan.

That's it for today. Thanks to Cabra.