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FOOTBALL

🥸 Two rites make a wrong’un

Clarence Seedorf has taken an unlikely new job at Iranian side Esteghlal, who are now considering a move for Upshot favourite Quincy Promes.

Not sure how Ayatollah Khamenei feels about coke-smuggling strikers, but Quincy wouldn’t be Esteghlal’s first big name player with a secret double life.

Back in 2011, the club signed former Aston Villa defender Jlloyd Samuel, who settled into Tehran very quickly, marrying a local fashion designer called Helia.

The only problem? He already had a wife and three kids back in London.

This all came to light when Jlloyd died in a car crash in 2018, and shortly after, a bitter three-way feud erupted between his two wives and his sister.

Both his sister and Iranian wife are convinced the footballer faked his own death and is still alive…

FOOTBALL

🍹 We Arne the Champions

It’s been a rough few years for Dean Gaffney, after Chelsea’s Wesley Fofana hit him with his Lamborghini on the King’s Road, “catapulting him into the air” and breaking his collar bone.

But all patched up and set to star in a new action movie with Vinnie Jones, the former Eastenders man was in high spirits as he jetted out to Ibiza this week.

This early in the party season, Dean was sure to be the biggest swinging dick at Wayne Lineker’s Ocean Beach Club, and he wasn’t disappointed when a parade of women in white cocktail dresses greeted him on entry.

Unfortunately, as they raised placards that spelt out “Champions”, it became clear he wasn’t the intended recipient, and sure enough in walked Arne Slot.

The Liverpool gaffer was in town for a well-earned break, despite there still being two games left in the Premier League season.

Strange, as we’d have put money on Arne being the “narrow-boating down the Union Canal” sort of holidaymaker.

🇳🇴 Norway's favourite sun

Thanks to a squad packed with big names like Martin Ødegaard and Erling Haaland, Norway look on course for a first World Cup since 1998.

But there's one star the Nordmenn love even more than their freakish centre forward: the sun. After chucking some solar panels on the roof of the national stadium, Norway's FA have cut their electric bills by 32%.

If you’d like to cut your electricity bills but don’t fancy the hefty price tag, check out the UK’s first solar subscription, Sunsave Plus.

It comes with a fixed monthly fee instead of any upfront cost, and Sunsave has calculated the average UK home can cut its electricity costs by 86%.

Sunsave UK Limited is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority (FRN 1008450) as a credit broker not a lender. Subject to status, T&Cs apply.

FOOTBALL

🐕 Can you keeper secret

As non-league Lymington Town drove into Wales this week, the squad convinced their goalkeeper he’d need to hide under the seat as he didn’t have his passport.

Top marks to the bloke who pretended to be a sniffer dog, ready to give the player a good mauling.

DARTS

 🍺 Throwby-John

Arne Slot isn’t the only rowdy bald dutchman on a mad one at the moment.

Darts star Michael van Gerwen had a big ol’ meltdown backstage recently, after being wound up by fellow pro Rowby-John Rodriguez.

As the pair warmed up for a tournament together, MVG asked Rowby if he could speed up his throwing, as he was due to play his match soon.

Rowby, unimpressed by the request, decided to throw even slower, laughing and chatting in between each dart.

So Michael responded as any reasonable person would: by picking Rowby up and throwing him over the table where 10 other players were enjoying a drink.

As officials stepped in to break up the fight, all the other pros watched on in hushed silence, shocked by the outburst and concerned for Rowby’s wellbeing.

Apart from Vincent van der Voort, who kept tapping the officials on the shoulder to ask who was going to replace his spilt pint.

STRONGMAN

✈️ Stolt from the blue

Having spent the last decade ripping Yellow Pages in half and dragging jumbo jets across aircraft hangars with his ear lobes, Luke Stoltman is no stranger to impressive displays of masculinity.

But there’s such a thing as displaying too much, as Britain's Strongest Man found out recently when videos of his ‘orrible knob surfaced on Twitter.

As rumours swirled about how and why the videos ended up online, Stoltman’s wife revealed on Instagram he’d been having numerous affairs, and had moved out of their marital home.

The details were all a bit grubby, but we’re pleased to report Luke’s now moved on from the scandal and has found love again - with fellow strongperson, Melissa Peacock.

Although some people are still reeling from the incident…

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AND FINALLY…

👋 Král intentions

Sparta Prague’s team doctor slaps Sigma Olomuc defender Jan Král.