Festive turkey in the hand luggage

Wayne Rooney steals Christmas

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šŸ’¬ Quote of the day

"You get your toast. You bang it in theā€¦ ummmā€¦ Whatā€™s it called? Toaster.ā€ - Brooklyn Beckham.

FOOTBALL

šŸŽ„ A Wayne in a manger

When Plymouth fans forked out Ā£40 for a Christmas meet and greet, they werenā€™t doing it so their littleā€˜uns could sit on the knee of backup goalkeeper Conor Hazard.

But star act Wayne Rooney pulled out at the last minute, leaving the disappointed youngsters to force down Mike Phelanā€™s burnt mince pies and endure an off-key rendition of Silent Night from video analyst Ross Goodwin.

The Jannersā€™ dismay turned to fury when they spotted Wazza on his wifeā€™s insta, glugging mulled cider at a Manchester Christmas market.

Argyle are now denying Wayne was ever scheduled to attend the event, but considering organisers fired out a panicked email at 9pm the night before announcing he wouldnā€™t be there, weā€™re not so sureā€¦

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BOXING

šŸ¤« Sorry canā€™t hear you love, the signal in Riyadh is terrible

Tyson Fury has suffered a lot for his success: heā€™s guzzled boar testicles, allowed his gormless brother on his undercards, and even backtracked on his Byzantine personal views to appease horrified sponsors.

Now, ahead of Saturdayā€™s fight with Oleksandr Usyk, Tyson has revealed his latest sacrifice: ā€œItā€™s been a long camp, been away from my wife and kids for three months. Iā€™ve not spoken to Paris at all for three months, not one word.ā€

It seems extreme, but considering Tysonā€™s role model is his ā€˜orrible dad John Fury, Paris can count herself lucky.

In the ā€˜90s, John had a habit of ā€œpopping out for a newspaperā€ and returning home three weeks later after partying in the Costa Del Sol:

I used to go on a bender for a month or two solid. Three or four brasses every night, two or three bottles of whiskey, if there was any drugs going Iā€™d have them and all.

But donā€™t worry, the story of how John finally saw the light is truly heartwarmingā€¦

I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, three brasses in the bed and I thought you know what, letā€™s go home to the kids, I've had enough.

FOOTBALL

šŸ¦ƒ Fowl play

While Liverpool staff hoovered up cocaine at their Christmas party, Man United employees had to settle for discounted bags of Percy Pigs after Jim ā€œEbenezerā€ Ratcliffe cancelled their bash and gave them each a Ā£40 M&S voucher instead.

Itā€™s a far cry from the golden years at Old Trafford when, according to writer Andy Mitten, the club would treat every player to a plump Xmas Turkey.

After receiving one such bird, Dutch defender Jaap Stam was resigned to leaving it behind as he headed home for the holidays.

But his dad had other ideas, and brought it to Manchester airportā€¦

He placed the turkey on the conveyor belt along with the suitcases. The check-in girl said that you canā€™t check a turkey in like a suitcase.

My father picked it up, carried it through security and took it on the plane as hand luggage.

Once home, he prepared it for all the family, this special English turkey from Manchester United.

And then the whole family had the shits in the days after.

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BASKETBALL

šŸ Charlotteā€™s web of lies

Oscar Wilde once said: ā€œThere are only two great tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want and the other is getting it.ā€

So spare a thought for the young Charlotte Hornets fan who endured both in quick succession this week.

During a break in play, the boy was invited onto court and given a PlayStation 5 by mascot Hugo the Hornet, but there was a sting in the tail.

As soon as the cameras were off, a club staffer snatched it back and replaced it with a team jersey.

šŸ’‰ Quick hits

šŸ‘¦ Tyson Fury has four sons named Prince, Prince, Prince andā€¦ Prince. Sounds like a law firm.

āš–ļø So itā€™s a year in the slammer for Mathias Pogba, who was yesterday found guilty of blackmailing his brother Paul. The ringleader got eight years.

šŸŽļø Unexpected CBE of the year: Christian Horner.

šŸ’° Man Utd have cut their traditional Ā£50 cash prize for steward of the week.

šŸŖ– New Everton owner Dan Friedkin flew a Spitfire in Christopher Nolanā€™s ā€˜Dunkirkā€™.

AND FINALLYā€¦

āš°ļø Dressed to kill

Thatā€™s it for today. Thanks to Liz, Yas and Sammy.

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