FOOTBALL

🔥 Rim job

So it looks like Ruben Amorim is the next sacrificial lamb tottering gingerly into the Old Trafford slaughterhouse.

But however ugly it gets for Ruben at Man United, the worst flogging he can expect is some Saudi teenagers tweeting “he’s washed” and Jim Ratcliffe handing him a P45 in a reused envelope.

When Amorim took over at his current club Sporting Lisbon, they were still reeling from a terrifying training session when 50 masked ultras stormed the field and beat the players with sticks and belts.

Top scorer Bas Dost’s head was so badly gashed he was ruled out of the Portuguese Cup final, and eight players, including Bruno Fernandes, ripped up their contracts.

Needless to say, they lost the final. But two seasons later Amorim delivered the first league title in 19 years.

FOOTBALL

🏆 Daylight Roberty

More delicious details keep spilling out about Vinicius Junior’s Ballon d’Or snub, which led Real Madrid to boycott the ceremony.

The Brazilian striker - who learned he hadn’t won after staying up til 7am celebrating - had a huge bash lined up, where he planned to hand out 23 Rolexes to his Real Madrid teammates and unveil a new line of commemorative Nike boots.

But Rodri pipped him to the award, and with the party cancelled, Vini’s great aunt, third cousin and entire year 5 history class were on a flight back to Rio.

Meanwhile, Real’s unhinged army of online disciples found their scapegoat: El Salvador judge Bruno Porzio, who didn’t even rank Vinicius in his top ten.

Bruno’s not the first judge to stitch up a fan favourite - back in 2021, Uzbek hack Grigoriy Rtveladze left Robert Lewandowski out of his top five because he “doesn’t do skills in real life” and only has a rating of 78 for pace on FIFA.

Finally, he condemned the Polish striker to second place because “he hasn’t won anything with Germany”.

Win some FREE money on Pick My Postcode, the UK’s free daily lottery. They’ve given away over £2.6 million of the money they make from ads, like this one.

Before you ask, they don’t send spam. Just add your postcode and check daily to see if you’re a winner. It’s free, and some people have won over £2,500.

Enter your postcode here to play.

FOOTBALL

❄️ Talk to Frank

In his heyday, Frank Lampard was the face of multi-million dollar ad campaigns with Pepsi and Adidas.

But as the offers dry up, there is one market where the Lampard brand still drives sales - deluded wastrels unable to give up the very thing that is destroying them: Chelsea fans Meth heads.

This week, Sydney police found £38m of crystal meth in the boot of a car, each brick plastered with Frank’s smiling face.

Fortunately, after working round the clock, frazzled Aussie investigators have revealed the net is closing on the mastermind behind the meth: “the drug producer may be a Chelsea fan.”

FOOTBALL

🖕Wizard of ñoz

Crystal Palace midfielder Daniel Muñoz gets mugged off by a kid at Villa Park on Wednesday night.

DARTS

🛏️ Littler and large

This time last year, Luke Littler’s parents were carting their son down to the Nag’s Head, hustling pensioners for pork scratchings and pints of Worthington’s Creamflow. 

But after upping sticks to a plush gated mansion last month, the Littlers' gilded existence is set to be punctured by an unlikely new lodger: Phil 'the Power' Taylor.

Despite no one really asking, the 64-year-old has unveiled plans to move in with the teenage star to "see how he practices, see how he eats, see how he exercises, see how he does anything".

And if the prospect of a 14-time world champion grilling Luke on his Google search history isn’t appealing enough, Phil has also threatened him with a gaming ban: “If he’s playing on them PlayStations, I would give him a set time”.

Considering Littler allegedly pulled out of a tournament in September to enjoy the early release of the new FIFA, that might not work…

💉 Quick hits

🍹 Jason Puncheon has been appointed manager of Ayia Napa FC in the Cypriot second division.

🤔 The Uzbeki judge who snubbed Robert Lewandowski for the Ballon d’Or ranked Mason Mount second.

🌏 Alongside his views on the pyramids, Nick Kyrgios is open to the idea that the world is flat.

🎮 Luke Shaw has been injured for the release of the past five editions of Call of Duty.

AND FINALLY

🎃 X-Ray

Raygun makes a Halloween comeback.

That's it for today.