FOOTBALL

💃 If you wanna be my lover mother

In an increasingly divided world, it’s nice to know there are still things that can get the entire nation talking.

Things like the Traitors, the annexation of Greenland, or the image of Victoria Beckham grinding di batty on her eldest son.

Yep, everyone’s talking about Brooklyn Beckham’s bombshell Instagram post, where he accused his mum of “hijacking” the first dance at his wedding and dancing “very inappropriately” on him in front of everyone.

Pretty mortifying allegations, but it’s not all bad news for Posh Spice: her 2001 single Not Such An Innocent Girl has shot up to number one on the iTunes chart as a result.

David, meanwhile, has attempted to downplay the whole affair, by telling CNBC that “Children are allowed to make mistakes”.

Brooklyn is 26 years old.

UPSHOT GOLD EXCLUSIVE

🍆 So hard to photograph but incredible to see

There is one story we heard about the Beckham family fallout that is simply too salacious to share outside the confines of Upshot Gold.

So here it is exclusively for you, our loyal Gold readers…

Beside’s the allegations about Victoria’s dirty dancing, there was another line in Brooklyn’s Insta post that was particularly intriguing:

Brooklyn didn’t specify who he meant, but there’s a lot of speculation he’s referring to Kim Turnbull, who’s now dating his younger brother Romeo.

There’ve been reports that Brooklyn used to date Kim, and that he wasn’t particularly happy with Romeo for choosing to follow in his footsteps, as it were.

But Kim has denied ever being in a relationship with Brooklyn. So why is the eldest Beckham child so uncomfortable being in the same room as her?

Well, according to our source, he once sent her an unsolicited dick pic…

FOOTBALL

🤥 No way, Jose

Everyone has a mate who steadfastly insists they had trials at West Ham, and would definitely have made it if they hadn’t done their metatarsal when they were 12.

But hats off to London’s Deputy Mayor Mete Coban, who managed to dupe national newspapers into believing he was football’s next starlet.

Back in 2011, a 19-year-old Mete convinced Turkish journalists that he’d done a four-year stint at Inter Milan, and was set to sign for Real Madrid after being personally invited by gaffer Jose Mourinho.

Coban backed up his claims with Facebook photos of himself signing autographs at the Bernabeu, and a grainy YouTube highlights reel from Inter youth matches.

The videos turned out to be spliced together clips of other players, and in reality, the closest Mete got to becoming a footballer was a failed trial at Atletico Madrid when he was 14.

His fake football career was eventually exposed, but having honed his skills in spouting utter bollocks, Mete took the logical next step: become a politician!

FOOTBALL

🐷 Telling porkies

Speaking of politics, you’ll no doubt have been following the other major news event of the week: the by-election for the Horsley seat on Derbyshire County Council.

It was a disappointing result for Reform UK’s Juliette Stevens, who lost out to the Green Party. Although she probably saw that coming.

That’s because Juliette is the proud owner of Mystic Marcus, the psychic pig who correctly predicted England’s unexpected run to the semi final of the 2018 World Cup.

How you ask? By choosing to eat apples skewered with the St. George's Cross.

Probably how Juliette likes her apples too. And her lampposts and roundabouts.

TENNIS

🐝 Nothing strange about ‘mi

Naomi Osaka in 2019: “I don’t really like attention.”

Naomi Osaka in 2026, walking out at the Australian Open dressed like a cyberpunk beekeeper:

FOOTBALL

💊 Now repeat after me: Bryan Mbuemo for Ballon d’Or

When a 43-year-old Man City fan was arrested by Thai police after last week’s Manchester derby - accused of possessing methamphetamines - he began to panic.

What if he was cuffed in rusty shackles and beaten by a sadistic prison warden? What if he contracted dengue fever in an overcrowded, mosquito-ridden cell?

Then he heard the sound of policemen cackling down the hall, and “Glory, Glory Man United” started blaring out of the station speakers. He realised his fate would be far worse.

It turned out his arresting officers were all Red Devils fans, who thought it would be hilarious to dress up in their United shirts while they took his mug shot.

They then posted the picture on Facebook with the caption “Manchester is red”.

💉 Quick hits

🗣️ Rebecca Loos has waded into the Beckham feud on social media. She’s squarely on team Brooklyn, telling followers, “I’ve felt so bad for his poor wife, knowing too well what they can be like!”

💰 Gianni Infantino’s annual salary has quadrupled since he was appointed FIFA President in 2016. He now earns over €5 million a year.

🏆 The AFCON final wasn’t a complete disaster for Morocco. They did win the tournament’s Fair Play Award.

⛷️ A new development in the Olympic ski jumping “penis-gate” scandal: One ex-jumper has accused competitors of stuffing “tons of modelling clay into their underwear” to achieve bigger jumps.

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AND FINALLY…

🤕 Down the pan

Incredibly, Brahim Díaz’s penalty miss in the AFCON final wasn’t the worst panenka attempt this week.

That accolade belongs to Chilean winger Cristian Zavala, who went down “injured” after this spot kick.