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FOOTBALL

🦁 Two lions in Hawkhurst

So despite a shaky first half, England’s World Cup is up and running with a 4-2 win over Croatia.

Of course the result was never really in doubt, because two lions at a big cat sanctuary in Kent predicted the win before kick-off.

They also prophesied two Harry Kane goals, by “growling affirmatively” at a tabloid reporter.

The other thing that was never in doubt was England fans drinking Texas dry.

One Shotter reported that his plane to Dallas ran out of beer after two hours and - in his words not ours - “one bloke shagged a random American bird in the bogs mid-flight then got cheered back in.”

Once on the ground, supporters got through 5,000 pints at the city’s Londoner pub on Tuesday night, before the establishment was forced to close its doors and call the police.

According to a statement from the pub, the increased sales did not make up for the "destruction of our property and landscaping."

Apparently they were lobbing potted plants off the balcony.

FOOTBALL

🍷 Da ya think I'm poorly?

We’re still gutted Rod Stewart wasn’t asked to do the World Cup draw back in December, but at least we got to see him at Scotland’s opener against Haiti with three drinks on the go.

Not everyone was pleased mind. The night before the match, Sir Rod cancelled a gig in San Diego at the last minute due to “illness”, releasing the following statement:

It must have been a speedy recovery, because a couple of hours later, he posted a video of himself onboard a private jet to Boston, belting out “No Scotland, no party!”

He did sound a bit husky to be fair.

🚑 Enner the road

The pressure’s on for Ecuador captain Enner Valencia, after his side lost their World Cup opener to Ivory Coast. Fortunately, Enner’s used to dealing with pressure.

Back in 2016, the former West Ham forward was leading the line for Ecuador in a game against Chile, when police turned up to arrest him for unpaid child support.

Quick as a flash, Enner went down, faked an injury and fled the scene on a motorised stretcher. And he must have had good lawyers, because he wound up getting away scot-free.

Speaking of good lawyers, The Upshot’s World Cup coverage is brought to you by InjuryLawyers4U.

They won’t help you dodge child support, but if you’ve had an accident that wasn’t your fault, they can help you today. And it’s no win, no fee.

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FOOTBALL

🚲 Honestly Karen, I was just explaining to the nice lady about council rezoning ordinance 9a

When the mayor of Mexico City unveiled a brand new cycle lane leading to the Azteca Stadium, she was full of hope.

Just picture all the cheery, lycra-clad fans, riding past smiling sombrero salesmen and waving at sweet abuelitas frying corn.

Unfortunately, the mayor didn’t consider one thing: her new route runs directly through the red light district. And the city’s sex workers are pissed.

Thanks to the constant stream of grinning cyclists, seedy blokes are now unable to pull over at the side of the road, and revenue has dropped 70%.

So some of them have decided to take it out on the cyclists, dishing out vigilante justice to anyone brave enough to ride past.

Well, that’s the cyclist’s version of story at least…

FOOTBALL

😢 Ron battle after another

Bad night at the office for Cristiano Ronaldo: he was piss poor in Portugal’s 1-1 draw with DR Congo, and he had to endure endless “Messi” chants from the Congolese fans.

DR Congo supporters were in fine fettle elsewhere too. In Lisbon’s main fan zone, a small group of them made no bones about celebrating Wissa’s equalising goal.

And in Paris, our old friend Lumumba Vea stood still for the entire match - as he did during every game at the last AFCON - to pay tribute to a Congolese independence leader.

Sadly no sign of our other favourite DR Congo fan from last year’s AFCON…

FOOTBALL

 👋 Lam to the slaughter

So far, the only man having a worse tournament than Ronaldo is former Tunisa gaffer Sabri Lamouchi, who was sacked after his side were thumped 5-1 by Sweden in their opening game.

He’s been replaced by dishy Frenchman Hervé Renard, who was in charge of Saudi Arabia when they pulled off their famous upset against Argentina at the last World Cup.

Interestingly, Hervé’s wife is none other than Viviane Dieye, who was previously married to Bruno Metsu, the manager behind Senegal's miracle win over France in 2002.

Everyone's got a type, and apparently Viv's is jobbing French managers who pull off famous upsets in the first round of World Cup group games.

💉 Quick hits

🇵🇹 Portugal completed 700 passes against DR Congo, but only managed one shot on target.

👴 Meanwhile, Cristiano Ronaldo has now gone 10 consecutive major tournament games without scoring for Portugal.

🇳🇿 New Zealand haven’t lost a World Cup game since 1982.

👶 At the 2046 World Cup, Lamine Yamal will still be younger than Luka Modric is right now.

🎙️ Our very own Zach Sweeney-Lynch appeared on the excellent Price of Football podcast last week for a World Cup special, hosted by loyal Shotter and football finance expert Kieran Maguire. Listen here.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🦜 You’ll never sing that