FOOTBALL

🗡️ Booze Cruz

The Bull in Charlbury isn’t exactly a “sawdust on the floor and no seats on the bogs” sort of establishment.

But even so, locals were a little surprised when David Beckham bowled in last Friday night, with a posse of pals including Guy Ritchie and Gary Neville.

The gang were out celebrating Becks’ long-awaited knighthood, which he finally received last week.

According to onlookers, music was “blaring”, and David “got up and danced as the whole pub cheered, ‘We love you Sir David Beckham’.”

His youngest son Cruz then performed a “specially written song”, with lyrics which sounded like they’d been scribbled on the back of a fag packet five minutes before:

In other Becks news, him and Posh have acquired a couple of new pets: a pair of swans called… Sir David and Lady Victoria.

FOOTBALL

✌️ Peace offering

FIFA President Gianni Infantino spent most of September telling anyone who’d listen that his old pal Donald Trump was a shoo-in for the Nobel Peace Prize.

So he was more than a little disappointed when Donald was snubbed in favour of Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado.

Ah well, never mind.

On an unrelated note, Gianni has just announced the creation of the FIFA Peace Prize, which will be awarded to “individuals who help unite people in peace through unwavering commitment and special actions”.

The inaugural award will be presented on 5th December during the World Cup draw in Washington DC, a high-profile event which Trump is “expected to attend”.

Wonder who’ll win…

FOOTBALL

🅿️ Abusement park

If Trump really wants to earn a peacekeeping gong, he can slip on a high-vis and get down to the MetLife Stadium carpark next summer - sounds like it’s going to be an absolute war zone.

FIFA have just started selling stadium parking spots for the 2026 World Cup, costing around $75 for group stage games and $175 for the final, which is more than actual match tickets at previous tournaments.

And many punters will be forced to drive to games, because most of the areas staging matches have terrible public transport links.

Earlier this year, The Athletic described leaving a Club World Cup match at Miami’s Hard Rock Stadium as “like a scene out of a zombie apocalypse movie.”

It took an hour to walk to the Uber pick up spot, where fans went ballistic as prices surged to a minimum of $150 for a taxi.

Would like to see Malala Yousafzai handle that…

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

✈️ 1 new message: you’re an idiot sandwich

When we heard Olympic gold medalist Adam Peaty had been led through Manchester Airport by police officers after his Budapest stag do, we assumed he’d done something heinous while handcuffed to a stripper in a grotty ruin bar.

But it turns out Adam was being escorted off his flight for his own safety.

Whilst in Hungary, he’d been receiving a “barrage of increasingly threatening” texts, and fearing he could be assaulted on his return to the UK, he alerted the authorities.

The person sending the foul-mouthed messages hasn’t been named, but there are suspicions it was a disgruntled family member who wasn’t invited on the stag.

In a probably irrelevant detail, Adam’s soon-to-be-father-in-law is……. Gordon Ramsey.

FOOTBALL

👊 A good Clean fight

Wrexham captain James McClean often gets in spats at this time of year, usually with the provisional wing of the Royal British Legion.

But this time it was Cardiff City fans he was sparring with, after four of them confronted him in the players’ carpark ahead of a recent derby.

James revealed he punched one in self-defence after they "started running their mouths off".

Sadly the incident is unlikely to make it into season 5 of Welcome to Wrexham - it wasn’t very Disney Plus.

Neither is making petrol bombs, something McClean recently revealed he learned to do when he was 11 years old…

💉 Quick hits

👠 A new fashion trend has hit the England camp this international break. According to Thomas Tuchel, all his players are wearing “mind-altering shoes” during meetings.

⛳ Kai Trump, Donald Trump’s granddaughter, made her LPGA debut yesterday. She called up her mum’s boyfriend to ask for advice before teeing off. Her mum is dating Tiger Woods.

🥊 Conor Benn’s promoter, Frank Smith, is dating Chris Eubank Jr’s sister.

🇩🇰 Arsenal supporter and newly elected mayor of New York, Zohran Mamdani, is a big fan of Nicklas Bendtner. Us too, Zohran!

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🚿 Early bath

Stockport’s Edgeley Park has a leaky roof, as this linesman found out to his detriment.