He slapped Fergie in the nuts
Liam Rosenior loses a LinkedIn friend
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💬 Quote of the day
"Once we were in a packed elevator and Anderson screamed ‘Sack tap!’ and slapped Alex Ferguson in the nuts. We thought he would kill Anderson, but he laughed.” - Former Man United right-back Rafael.
FOOTBALL
🥐 I need 5cc of iced donuts, stat
Real Madrid may have some of the best facilities in the world, but it increasingly sounds like their medical department is run by Dr. Nick Riviera.
Kylian Mbappé picked up a knee injury back in December, and it’s now being reported he was wrongly declared fit after medical staff scanned his wrong leg.
He played three more games with torn ligaments before they realised their error. And it’s not the first time Madrid’s bumbling medical department has come under fire.
Last year, the club’s nutritionist quit after 13 days in the job, because she couldn’t convince team doctors that a healthy diet was important for their players.
I told the club’s medical staff that pastries for breakfast is not the best option.
They said, “Everything has to stay the same — don’t change or you’ll be sacked. We’ve won 15 Champions Leagues like this.”
In other news, Spanish reporter Edu Aguirre has just revealed manager Alvaro Arbeloa’s novel way of rewarding his players after a hard-fought victory:
When Real Madrid win, the next day Arbeloa hands out breakfast in the locker room. They are all seated and he says to them, “Lads, breakfast.”
He then goes around with croissants and doughnuts.
FOOTBALL
😢 You just lost yourself a connection
It’s been a rough couple of weeks for Liam Rosenior: Chelsea’s form has collapsed, he’s enduring endless memes about his High Performance schtick, and Huel have hiked their prices again.
It’s times like these you need your friends to rally round you. Or as Liam calls them, “his network”.
So when Liam’s old pal Kevin Kilbane popped up on a podcast this week, he was looking forward to some kind words of support.
Instead, Kevin decided to join the pile on:
I played with Liam at Hull and I got on well with him… But the way he is now, to me, he's unrecognisable to the player and the person I knew.
It's like he's swallowed a psychologist's manual or a sporting mentor's memoir. Everything he says, to me, is waffle, drivel, nothing.
It's like he tries to write as many quotes down as possible and tries to get them into a pre-match or post-match talk whenever addressing the media.
Hard to stomach right now, but on the bright side, this will all make for a good LinkedIn post one day.
FOOTBALL
🙏 Forgive me father for I have chinned
If you’ve seen Conclave, you’ll know Italian priests are a bit different to the doddery old vicars we have on these shores. They gossip, huff on vapes, and wear Prada slippers.
But even by those standards, there was something off about the clergyman stood on the touchline for Galgagnano’s crunch tie with Union Mulazzano in the Italian 9th tier.
Why was he hurling expletives at the Galgagnano players, and barking tactical instructions at the away team?
Well, it turns out the priest was actually Mulazzano manager Matteo Ciceri, who’d disguised himself in robes and a dog collar because he was supposed to be serving a touchline ban.
Ciceri managed to keep up the ruse for most of the match, until his side conceded a late goal. At that point he flipped, ran onto the pitch and kicked an opposition player.
He’s now been banned for a further four months…
FOOTBALL
🎬 Taking the Mick
“It’s a heap of shit to be fair,” said Mick McCarthy, who walked out of the cinema after just 20 minutes of Saipan, the film dramatising his feud with Roy Keane ahead of the 2002 World Cup.
The film’s received praise for its soundtrack, witty script and Steve Coogan’s portrayal of Mick, but McCarthy spotted one thing the critics missed: Coogan’s diminutive stature.
My concern is, he’s about 5ft 8in, Steve Coogan, and in the film Roy towers above him for fuck sake.
Surprisingly, in the same interview, Mick did have kinder words for Keane:
I do these Q&As, and the last one I did, I got asked about Keane.
I said, “He’s a fabulous player, great captain, and what he’s done is fantastic.”
I said, “Great goalscorer” – and everybody’s looking at me – and I said, “I’m talking about Robbie, not that other cunt.”
FOOTBALL
🧳 Steele got it
There were a few surprised faces when Thomas Tuchel named his sprawling 35-man squad, featuring Brighton’s 35-year-old backup keeper Jason Steele.
But no one was more surprised than Jason himself, who had to cancel a family holiday so he could make the camp.
Is it worth axing your kid’s visit to Disneyland Paris so you can play fifth fiddle to Jordan Pickford, Dean Henderson, James Trafford and Aaron Ramsdale?
Hard to say. But Jason’s isn’t the biggest sacrifice a player has made for their country.
Back in the summer of 2023, Aston Villa midfielder Boubacar Kamara abandoned his own honeymoon after a late call up for Didier Deschamps’ France squad.
Les Bleus were playing Greece and Gibraltar in a couple of Euro 2024 qualifiers. And Boubacar got a grand total of zero minutes.
FOOTBALL
🎙️ It was just banter
So after 13 years of exile, Richard Keys and Andy Gray are planning a shock return to the UK.
No word yet on what their next career move will be, but whatever it is we’re sure they’ll smash it.
You can relive their rise and fall on our YouTube, which includes Andy Gray chanting about “thruppies” and barking “Oi señor, where’s el fuckin’ taxio?’
It’s been described by multiple Shotters as “your best ever episode.”
💉 Quick hits
📖 Erling Haaland recently spent £100,000 on a 430-year-old book about Viking kings and donated it to a library in Bryne.
📱 NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal has been forced to deny sending “horny” texts to Sabrina Carpenter about “keeping her farts in a cologne bottle”.
🎯 Luke Littler hosted a darts tournament for the England squad at St. George’s Park this week. Phil Foden hit a 180, but Aaron Ramsdale won.
🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.
AND FINALLY…
🦒 Big Man on Campus
Introducing Florida Gators’ 7ft 9in freshman Olivier Rioux. The pipsqueak next to him is 6ft 8in Hassane Diallo.
That’s it for today.
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