FOOTBALL

💎 Ice bath

When Reece James hobbled into the treatment room with yet another hamstring injury, Chelsea’s world class medical team sprung into action.

But as they fired up the cryotherapy chamber and knocked up a stem cell smoothie, there was one part of Reece’s rehab they overlooked: his personal training sessions with crystal meth dealer Michael Boateng.

A former Crystal Palace academy player, Boateng is heading to the slammer after he was caught with 20kg of the drug in a raid on his Croydon flat.

He previously did time for match-fixing but became a personal trainer to James and other Premier League players.

In fact, Boateng’s client list is littered with faded English prospects: Jadon Sancho, Ryan Sessegnon, Callum Hudson-Odoi.

What’s he putting in those protein shakes?

UPSHOT PODCAST

🎧 Speaking of meth…

Not many athletes can win sport’s biggest prizes while in the grips of a crystal meth addiction or weighed down by a comedy wig.

But Andre Agassi isn’t most athletes.

The American hothead hated tennis, munched amphetamines aged 10 and terrorized the cast of Friends. And he still won 8 grand slams.

We’re joined by comedian Josh Berry for the story of Andre’s wild life…

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

🎥 This my ass

It’s everyone’s worst nightmare: as you settle into a shag, you sit on your phone and accidentally send your mum/boss a video of the whole darn shooting match.

But as ESPN pundit Shannon Sharpe found out this week, there’s an even worse version for famous people: accidentally broadcasting your bonk to 3 million followers on Instagram Live.

Fortunately for Shannon, you can’t see much in the clip, although you do hear him growl “this my ass” and “there you go baby”.

Sharpe - known as Unc among fans - initially tried the old “i’ve been hacked” excuse, before coming clean:

He had 73 missed calls in six minutes.

FOOTBALL

👮 Randy Andy

Sure, Alex Ferguson ran a tight ship. But the ruddy-cheeked United gaffer packed his squad with some absolute wrong’uns.

Just weeks after Patrice Evra’s suspended jail sentence for unpaid child support, his old teammate Anderson is on the run for the same crime.

The Champions League winner owes £45,000 to the mother of his child, and now a Brazilian judge has ordered his arrest and sentenced him to 30 days in the slammer.

Considering he used to earn that amount in a week, you’d think he’d just cough up, but Anderson’s payroll is already a little crowded.

According to Brazilian press, the 36-year-old has fathered nine children.

FOOTBALL

🤧 A hefty sneeze

While Reece James picks the crank crystals out of his berry booster, down in League One, the stars are falling victim to more homespun ailments.

Like Bolton striker Victor Adeboyejo, who has been ruled out by a “hefty sneeze”.

His gaffer Ian Evatt revealed: "Victor has been suffering with a nasty back injury and a sneeze set it off. Victor is a powerful boy, and even his sneezes are powerful.”

Victor enters the pantheon of comedy injuries along with Rangers’ Kirk Broadfoot, who pierced a poached egg with a fork and scolded his face, and Dave Beasant, who dropped a 2kg salad cream bottle on his foot.

Sometimes it’s self-inflicted. Darius Vassell missed three matches after trying to pierce a blood blister by drilling a hole through his toenail using his Black n’ Decker.

FOOTBALL

😇 Super sub

Hats off to Subbiano manager Alessio Guidotti for the most brazen foul of 2024.

The sixth tier boss jogged out of his dugout and tripped up an opposition attacker to prevent a counterattack.

He even had the audacity to protest his innocence by throwing his hands in the air before the ref showed him a red card.

Still, the game finished 0-0, so it sort of worked…

💉 Quick hits

🧳 Former Everton keeper Richard Wright injured himself when he fell out the loft trying to put away some suitcases. On his return, his twisted an ankle when he tumbled into a “stay out the goalmouth” sign during his pre-match warm-up.

🔫 The new breakdancing world rankings are out and at number one it’s… Raygun. Despite scoring 0 points at the Olympics, she landed the top spot thanks to some odd quirk in the rules.

🤦‍♂️ The Irish FA accidentally translated the names of their Latvian opponents to English for an under-21s match programme…

AND FINALLY

🍆 Out of bounds

You’ve got to let it rest sometimes.

That's it for today. Thanks to Alex, George and Sammy.