Good morning. A reminder that there’ll be no Upshot Gold email on Easter Monday, but normal service will resume on Wednesday.

FOOTBALL

🧛 Jordi gnaw

Luis Suarez famously had an anti-biting clause in his Barcelona contract, meaning the club could fine him £3m if he chomped on one of his opponents.

But he’s at Inter Miami now, where the only stipulations are to appear in godawful trailers for Bad Boys VI, and to not bother Selena Gomez while she’s filming crypto-funded TikToks in the stands.

So Luis is free to do what he does best: plant his horrible gnashers on anyone who dares to come near him.

Last week’s victim was Luis’ old Barca teammate Jordi Alba, who recoiled in horror as the Uruguayan sank his fangs into his knuckle.

FOOTBALL

😬 And everyone knows Wayne Rooney would have been a great manager, if that hair transplant hadn’t messed with his frontal lobe

It’s only been 12 years since Joey Barton was discussing foreign policy on Question Time, and meditating on Nietzsche with Guardian journalists.

But 12 years is an eternity when you’re falling down a rabbit hole of internet conspiracies, and it’s safe to say Joey’s hot takes are slightly less revered these days.

His latest is about Kevin De Bruyne’s drop-off in form, which most people would put down to the fact he’s a 33-year-old with a niggling hamstring injury. Not Joey though.

He also railed against KDB’s “fucking big mad quiff”, which is a bit rich…

TENNIS

🧼 Swing low, sweet Harriet

Besides the odd sweary outburst from Judy Murray, British tennis has always lacked a bonafide headcase in the mould of Kyrgios or McEnroe.

But the days of Tim Henman bowing out of tournaments with the solemn dignity of a small-town funeral director are behind us, and now Britain finally has a hothead star to be proud of: Harriet Dart.

After being smashed 6-0 in the first set of her defeat to Lois Boisson at the Rouen Open, Harriet barked up at the umpire:

Harriet’s since issued a grovelling apology, which is exactly the kind of behaviour she’ll need to cut out if she wants to rival Kyrgios as an Upshot favourite.

FOOTBALL

📈 Taking care of Bassiness

You might remember Laurence Bassini as the one-time Watford owner, who phoned 999 when club staff wouldn’t hand him the keys to the safe.

Or - if you hang around on darker corners of the internet - as the man who leaked his own sex tape with a Thai prostitute.

Either way, after having a breakdown on Talksport and promising to buy Birmingham City, Bassini went very quiet. So what’s he been up to?

Well, according to Companies House filings, Bassini has been very busy branching out, registering 14 companies in the space of two months. They include:

• BASSINI COSMETICS LIMITED

• BASSINI CAKES LIMITED

• BASSINI CLASSIC CARS LIMITED

• BASSINI PERFUMES LIMITED

• BASSINI PIZZA LIMITED

• BASSINI SWEETS AND CHOCOLATES LIMITED

Although, to be fair to Laurence, it’s not all cakes, cosmetics and quattro formaggi:

FOOTBALL

🌳 Forest til I die

The BBC shared an uplifting story this week, about a 101-year-old Nottingham Forest fan preparing to go to her first match at the City Ground for 30 years.

Heart-warming stuff, unless you’re one of the Forest faithful who stuck by the Tricky Trees when they got battered 5-2 by Yeovil in League One…

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AND FINALLY…

🔌 Hairdryer treatment

Karachi Kings cricketer James Vince was presented with a hairdryer for his Player of the Match performance against the Multan Sultans.