FOOTBALL

🥱 Jonjo rabbits

While Richard Keys and most of Britain’s Turkey-toothed influencers have fled the UAE in recent weeks, one expat is doubling down on his love for the state: Jonjo Shelvey.

The former Newcastle midfielder just took a job managing Dubai-based side Arabian Falcons, telling reporters:

The UAE should count their blessings Jonjo has decided to go all Lord Haw-Haw. Not every ex-footballer is so enthusiastic about life in the Middle East.

Officially, Samir Nasri resides in Dubai, but French tax authorities have grown suspicious he’s actually been living in Paris for the last few years.

Their smoking gun? The former Man City midfielder did 212 Deliveroo orders to his Parisian flat in a single year. He’s now being chased for €5m in unpaid tax.

FOOTBALL

💔 You used to be my Romario

One man who’d never let a Zinger Tower Meal pass his lips is Brazil legend Romario, who looked absolutely shredded as he celebrated a beach volleyball win recently.

How does he stay so young? Well, until last week, the 60-year-old World Cup winner was dating 25-year-old dentistry student Tiffany Barcelos.

The pair had been going strong for the last three months, and were spotted on dates in Rio de Janeiro and Buenos Aires. But sadly, Tiffany just called quits on the relationship.

Why? Because Romario cheated on Tiffany with her best friend Barbara. In case you’re wondering, Barbara’s the young woman to Rom’s right in this picture…

FOOTBALL

🤕 il Douche

Speaking of ex-pros playing the hits, Paolo Di Canio sliiiiiiiightly lost his head during a live debate on Italian TV this week.

The West Ham legend smacked his bonce on the desk so hard it started bleeding, and Fabio Capello had to hand him a tissue to stop the flow.

FOOTBALL

🤯 Get my Neym out of your mouth

There’s only 55 days to go until the World Cup, and everyone in Brazil is desperate to know whether Neymar will be on the plane. Well, almost everyone.

One Santos fan is probably quite indifferent this week, after he had a fiery interaction with Ney at the final whistle of a Conmebol Sudamericana game.

Neymar scored his side’s only goal in a lacklustre 1-1 draw, but the fan felt he could have put more effort in and decided to let him know.

It’s safe to say the forward didn’t appreciate the constructive criticism, because he responded with a foul-mouthed tirade:

At least he remembered his Ps and Qs…

FOOTBALL

💣 Emili of the state

We all know the rules when you get on a plane: liquids in a plastic bag, tray table stowed for takeoff and landing, and do not, under any circumstances, joke about having a bomb.

Unfortunately, Argentine defender Emiliano Endrizzi forgot that golden rule this week, when he and his Gimnasia Jujuy teammates boarded a flight to Buenos Aires for an away game.

Just before takeoff, 32-year-old Emiliano decided to stand up and yell, “Bomb! Everything is going to explode!”

He quickly realised his error and tried to explain it was a misguided joke, but it was too late. Within minutes, policía were escorting him off the plane in handcuffs.

They then evacuated everyone so a bomb squad could do a full sweep of the aircraft, which caused significant delays affecting 1,200 passengers.

Jujuy are now considering terminating Emiliano’s contract…

💉 Quick hits

👶 Sheffield United midfielder Oliver Arblaster is expecting a baby with the daughter of his manager, Chris Wilder.

👔 Jonjo Shelvey will be coaching Ravel Morrison at Arabian Falcons. The UAE third tier side is also co-owned by Jason Puncheon.

🏆 For the first time in his career, Dominik Szoboszlai will finish the season without a trophy.

💸 Match day train tickets from New York City to the MetLife Stadium in New Jersey are set to cost $100 during the World Cup.

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

🤠 This was, in fact, my first rodeo

Bronc riding champion TK McNair mistimed his celebration at the Tampa Bay Rodeo this week. Fortunately, somehow, he was okay.