FOOTBALL

🤕 Ivan the terrible

Back in the ‘90s, Christmas party season was feeding time at the zoo for grubby tabloid hacks, who’d stake out club dos looking for players hurling eggnog at bouncers or handcuffing themselves to strippers.

Things are a bit tamer these days, but Ivan Toney did inject a bit of scandal back into the Yuletide season last weekend, when he headbutted a bloke in a London nightclub.

The Al-Ahli striker was out in Soho for some festive drinks with pals, when a selfie hunter put his arm around his shoulder for a photo.

Ivan - who’s clearly been watching too many TiKToks about phone snatchers in the capital - thought the fan was after his expensive necklace. So he nutted him and broke his nose.

The guy was carted off in an ambulance and police arrived 20 minutes later to lead Ivan away in cuffs.

That’s one explanation for the altercation at least. There is another theory doing the rounds online:

CRICKET

💵 Blushing Bryd

One man who’s clearly not worried about opportunistic thieves is England bowler Brydon Carse.

After his side’s crushing first Test defeat in Perth last month, Carse was spotted brunching at a riverside cafe with teammates Harry Brook and Zak Crawley.

He’d clearly queued up at the Post Office before leaving the UK, because he was carrying “thousands of dollars in cash in his pocket”, which fell out and blew across the cafe.

According to Cricket et Al, it “took a community effort of mums, children and flat white drinkers to gather the notes and return them to the table of wealthy cricketers.”

And it’s a good job they did: Carse will need that money for scuba gear and boogie boarding lessons.

Rather than sweating it out in the nets ahead of the crucial third Test, Ben Stokes’ boys have decided to take a well-earned beach break in Queensland:

Sadly, they’re finding it hard to relax:

WHEELCHAIR RUGBY

🪖 And you know what SAS stands for? Super. Army. Soldiers.

The Year 8 class at Bassaleg School in Newport are notoriously hard to impress. They weren’t bothered when Mrs. Evans ran the Pembrokeshire Half, and they were nonplussed when they found out Mr. Davies had a diamond ranking on Fortnite.

They didn’t even care that teaching assistant Scott John Trigg-Turner was a prominent wheelchair rugby player who regularly represented Wales.

Which might be why he felt the need to lie, and tell them he was also an ex-marine sniper with 250 confirmed kills.

Mr. Trigg-Turner has just been banned from classrooms for two years for making the bogus claim to his pupils.

He also told them his codename was “Killswitch”, he still owned a gun, was a lord with an MBE, and that he served in Northern Ireland during the Troubles…

FOOTBALL

🕳️ Pit stop

FC Magdeburg playmaker Rayan Ghrieb accidentally jumped down a 2.7-metre ditch this week, as he celebrated a late goal in the German second division.

FOOTBALL

🥸 Of course you’re friends with David Beckham mate. And I’m Mickey Mouse.

Despite playing nearly 400 games for Man United, Nicky Butt has spent the last three decades living in the shadow of his more glamorous Class of ‘92 teammates.

So he’s used to letting Ryan Giggs have first dibs on the mini quiches in the Salford City hospitality box, or holding Gary Neville’s bags while the pundit poses with selfie hunters.

Still, Nicky expects a bit of respect when he’s at Old Trafford.

Which is why he was particularly irked to receive an email out the blue recently, saying his United season ticket had been revoked because he hadn’t been to enough games:

To be fair to Nicky, he’s not the only Class of ‘92 alum getting shafted by the club. Paul Scholes revealed he has to use a tout to get tickets for his mates.

💉 Quick hits

🐫 Paul Pogba has invested in a Saudi Arabian camel racing team.

🐷 A psychic pig called Truffle has predicted Luke Littler will win the World Darts Championship.

🧟 Here’s a close up picture of the FIFA Peace Prize statue. Or, as one Reddit user has dubbed it, the Four Zombie Hands Dragging a Head Down to Hell Award:

🔑 Get The Upshot ad-free twice a week when you upgrade to Upshot Gold.

AND FINALLY…

💡 Nick Voltemade

Non-league side Rusthall FC had some issues with their floodlights during a game this week.

Luckily their number 9 is an electrician by trade, and he was able to sort the problem.